Your love is like chlorine gas
So we're all over T-day.
We stuffed, we slept.
My t-day was weird.
(say it isn't so, lefty)
We haven't celebrated at my house since that unfortunate incident with PETA and SWAT, so we are fortunate to get invited elsewhere. The way we were raised has us politely accept or decline only, rather than saying, "Great - this is what I'll need you to make for me," or "Are you f-ing kidding me? LAMB for Thanksgiving?"
As luck would have it, the lamb option came up.
Although I will defend your right to have anything you want at your T-day dinner to my last breath, LAMB? There are only 4 people on the planet who would eat lamb on T-day and the 2 of them that live together invited us. Of course we (or at least 1 of us) politely accepted, while the other one said, "LAMB? WTF is wrong with these people? LAMB." At this point you know that there was not just lamb, but 2 different kinds of lamb (the kind I didn't like and the other kind I didn't like).
The only possible action, assuming you politely accepted, is to bring turkey. And if you are allowed to bring turkey, you can sneak the rest of the dinner in. Yes, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, acceptable veggies, unacceptable veggies (Brussels sprouts- I like them - wanna fight?), and pineapple stuffing. WAIT a minute... pineapple stuffing? For those of you playing along at home, we now have to sneak regular stuffing on top of the entire turkey meal we're sneaking in, because someone likes pineapple stuffing. This has all the complexity of negotiating world peace, plus dealing with relatives. When we get there, eyes will roll and people will get lemon face once they see Brussels sprouts. So someone will have to sneak in some green beans or something, assuming they are not part of the LAMB express. As roughly 3/4 of those present are preparing to gleefully ignore the LAMB, we discover the turkey BREAST we cooked doesn't have dark meat, so Uncle Harvey may be stuck with LAMB after all. Or, if Harvey drinks a lot, we can tell him the LAMB is dark turkey meat.
Some of the guests come from a foreign country, which is so poor....
HOW POOR IS IT?
It's so poor, they can't afford to import Brussels sprouts.
So they got their first, and last, taste of Brussels sprouts.
They also brought some dishes from their country, with names even they can't pronounce, and this is before the drinking.
Someone noticed, with horror, the mashed potatoes had skin in them.
Well of course they do - all sane people make them that way. Garlic too.
"OH GAWD - Aunt Bertha is allergic to garlic - I'll call 911."
Everybody can agree that the highlight of the dinner is dessert. The hosts did well, with a pizza-sized chocolate chip cookie. The entire family, and some other families we don't know, are insane for Mom's chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. The foreign folks would fly in just for it. Unfortunately, Mom's mind is not well. Last year that meant way less cake and way more icing. This was not a problem for me or most others. Whenever Mom makes the icing, she makes a small tub of it just for me, so I can launch a spoon at it. Remember: cake is merely a vehicle to carry the icing. We were all curious about what she'd come up with, if she didn't make cake. She did not let anybody down; the broccoli was very easy to pull off the cake. She puts a hint of coffee into the chocolate buttercream icing that could distinguish it from 100 other cakes. I would eat it if she somehow managed to fashion the icing into a cake shape (this is very difficult - believe me, I tried).
After dinner, it looks a lot like it looked before dinner, except for the hazy eyes. The little kids are playing with the aunts and uncles who are most like them. The teen kids are in another room, texting each other, and the adults are wherever they land, talking about the Olde Days<tm>.
Last year, as I was sitting around the table, talking about the Olde Days<tm>, I had a flashback. No, it was not LSD-induced, it was just your good old American flashback. I was a kid, it was Thanksgiving, and I was sitting at the table with the adults. Then it hit me.. I was now the (apparent) adult at the table. I can't decide which I liked better.
Remember: Thanksgiving doesn't exist outside of the US. The other countries just squint at us strangely. This is a lot better than they way they look at us normally.
What have we learned here?
Lessons way too complex for a blog.
Also that one should always bring a Substitute Dinner.
And plenty of Brussels sprouts, so you know you'll have plenty to take home for the week.
Today I identify as an orphan power supply that might be from an old laptop you no longer have.
Dear lefty
- What are you supposed to do the day after Turkey Day?
- Take off work. Sleep late. Pay attention to the dog. Masturbate furiously.
- What are you doing?
- Getting up early, working, not buying anything for Black Friday, hopefully holding off til after work for masturbating furiously
Flying AIDS News
AstraZeneca's vaccine tested at 90% effective last Monday.
Apparently, later in the week, it was closer to 62%.
They're working on how this happened.
In the meantime, they suggest you get the vaccine on a Monday, when the figures are much better than later in the week.
Whilst plumbing around for the snafu, it might all come down to Bob, as it usually does. Bob emailed, saying that the 90% vaccine was then 10% ineffective. This got into the system and now it turns out the vaccine is only 10% effective, especially later in the week. It's completely ineffective on weekends, but if you can find someone to vaccinate you on a weekend, I'll eat Sophia Vergara.
AstraZeneca stated that 90% and 62% were just 'numbers and stuff,' statistical variances, caused by mixing in age groups less likely to catch the Flying AIDS, dispensing half dosages, firing anyone who knows anything about statistics, and gathering numbers closer to the weekend. Some Random Employee explained that 'the statistics gathered closer to the weekend were even worse than the ones gathered right after lunch.'
When the highly effective vaccine appears, the states will decide who gets them. As a patriotic and gentlemanly citizen, I will step forward and volunteer my dose to anyone who wants it. In fact, I will voluntarily move to the back of the line. Wait - not just the back of the line, I will hide somewhere so I don't even appear at the back of the line. Such is my patriotism and concern for my fellow citizens.
According to some stats I've seen, I'm going to need a large building in which to hide. Many Americans do not trust a vaccine and will not get it. Interesting, no? Perhaps they're all waiting and watching, doing their due diligence. Maybe they want to wait a month, or a few years, to see how safe it is, how effective it is, and what the side effects are. Maybe they just don't trust anything anymore. Do what you feel is right.
Mind you, people are already concerned if the vaccine is vegan.
Vegans are a fun group. Eat or don't eat whatever you want, but if you can provide entertainment to the masses, even better.
Duckduckgo, the search engine that doesn't track you, has a weekly newsletter of privacy tips. They're all in plain english. Subscribe. Stop using Google. You can set Duck as your default search engine in all browsers.
- We're hearing a nonstop barrage of horrible Flying AIDS news: the hospitals are beyond capacity. I smell Shenanigans. Ask your friends who work at the hospitals. Let's find out for ourselves (locally).
If you're a Comcast customer, prepare to bend over (further). Almost everything is going up. Comcast is a distant favorite to own the universe, after Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk die. At least I'll avoid the sports upcharge, cuz I'm the AntiSports.
- As of 2021, the Austrian village of Fucking will be known as Fugging.
- In southeast Pennsylvania, Beaver College renamed itself Arcadia, for some strange reason, years back.
Microsoft has done its part to enable corporate spying with the Microsoft 365 tools.
reports also let managers drill down into data on individual employees, to find those who participate less in group chat conversations, send fewer emails, or fail to collaborate in shared documents.
It is spying, clearly.
Naturally, Microsoft denies this completely
“We are committed to privacy as a fundamental element of productivity score,” wrote Jared Spataro, the corporate vice-president for Microsoft 365, in online documentation. “Let me be clear: productivity score is not a work monitoring tool. Productivity score is about discovering new ways of working, providing your people with great collaboration and technology experiences … For example, to help maintain privacy and trust, the user data provided in productivity score is aggregated over a 28-day period.”
In short, Microsoft has put out an egregiously invasive monitoring tool that's committed to privacy, but aggregates user data and is opt-in, even though the default is ON. Your administrator could switch this on by default and you'll not be able to switch it off.
Some of you might not understand my hatred of Microsoft. With years and years of Windows crashing experience and all news similar to the above, what reason is there to like them? I will not even tolerate them, and you should show your love accordingly.
- There are no peanut butter cracker packages in the house. That aside, the dog has one, and has been carrying it around for a week, like a treasured stuffed animal. She's not eating it.
Happys
The Jimi Hendrix
Tina Turner
 |
| Quality of new houses went up 75% |
No comments:
Post a Comment