Your love is like a giant oil spill
So I'm sitting here, realizing I need to complete this because I have so many people waiting on it. SNAP. Ok, I'm back to 'reality.'
Today I identify as a camp with absolutely no concentration
We've already established that Mrs lefty watches too much tv.
We've looked on in horror as she tuned in Home Shopping Channel and commented on sale items as if she knew them. We've gotten a terrible feeling hearing her refer to jewelry as 'pieces.' We've gotten douche chills when they call her if she hasn't purchased anything in a few days, to make sure she's ok.
The new thing is Supplements. Some dude comes on, selling supplements for this, that, and the other thing. The first one was for hair and nails, and it worked. The next was for a sleep aid, and it helped. This was a major miracle, as Mrs lefty has 'the mother of all sleep disorders.' She cannot sleep when tired, when awake, when tired for hours, when tired for days, when there's a holiday, when she has to get up early, at any point when sleep is important, and generally when it's dark. She has been prescribed enough sleep medicine to take out a battalion of marines, and stays awake. She's a very talented woman.
The latest supplement is to knock down your cholesterol numbers. Now hear this: it's chocolate. No really... you eat your food then eat some chocolate. This is a supplement I can really get behind. In fact, I have been practicing this most of my life. Naturally, Mrs Killjoy comes along and tells me the supplement chocolate has some sort of Plant Stuff in it. And it's dark chocolate. If there are 2 things I don't like, it's dark chocolate and plant stuff. It turns out you can't simply stuff your face with a Milky Way and expect to lower your cholesterol. What kind of world is this when chocolate doesn't cure everything?
Since dark chocolate is still higher on the list than prescribed medicine, I'm going with it, dark chocolate and plant stuff aside. I'm also working on a circuit to stop all shopping networks from coming in on the tv. And blocking their phone numbers for when they call to check on her.
- The White House remains in disarray, with Biden still refusing to leave.
Dear lefty
- Will this blog take on a more straight-laced, humanitarian bent for 2021?
- Are you #*$&ing kidding me? You should bottle and sell whatever it is you're sniffing.
The NFL has asked the president (either one) to declare a national emergency: most of their quarterbacks have the Flying AIDS. They have demanded that the first shipments of The Vaccine<tm> go to NFL quarterbacks. If, for some silly reason, the players cannot be innoculated first, a president declaring a national emergency will allow them to keep collecting billions in insurance money.
According to NFL rules, the other way out is to bring in substitute quarterbacks, either from other teams, or people off the street. They tried to recruit Jessica "WAX MY BALLS" Yaniv, but her country of residence is Canada, and the rest of the players are terrified of her. While this would be a move of pure genius in hockey, it fails in football. Drew Carey and Jane Lynch are locked into tv contracts, and most of the retired quarterbacks have a bit of a Traumatic Brain Injury issue, and showed up to camp with baseball bats. Black Lives Matter showed up, but left when they realized they had nothing to complain about, so they took off to the NHL.
Szilard Demeter, ministerial commissioner and head of the Petofi Literary Museum in Budapest, compared George Soros to Adolph Hitler and the nazis. Mr. Demeter retracted his statement:
Fellow Hungarians, I apologize most humbly for saying George Soros was like Hitler and the nazis. It was a most unfortunate slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was 'George Soros is a very naughty boy,' so you can see how I made that mistake.
Joe Biden picked all women for his communications team.
We are told they all have nice-smelling hair.
My emails are getting weird.
Moreso.
No, really. Ever since Guitar Center announced Chapter 11. They already got all sorts of clingy and needy - now it's getting pitiful. They're coming in hourly....
Dear lefty: hey, that 15% off we gave you? Since we feel the way we do, make it 20%.
Dear lefty: That 20% is still on the line. We're sure you heard about our Chapter 11. We thought we had a little love here. You bought a lotta strings from us. Just sayin...
Dear lefty: Chapter 11 means nothing if you don't come back...
Dear lefty: were you ordering from Amazon?
Dear lefty: haven't the pedals meant anything to you? If we go bankrupt, there will be no more pedals.
Dear lefty: Musicians Friend ain't gonna be your friend because we own them too.
Dear lefty: remember that time you came in for a cord with that redhead.. the one that wasn't Mrs lefty?
Dear lefty: sometimes we miss you so much it hurts. Can you understand that?
Dear lefty: No, we don't carry a single interesting left handed guitar, but we promise, if you come back, we'll have 1 in every store...
Dear lefty: remember the back room?
- I know shipping is a little rough during the holidays, but my just-shipped package will arrive sometime between this month and late next month.
I was just told to let the dog out. Well, try to let the dog out.
You see, I don't think I let the dog out right. She stares at me and won't go near the door. Apparently her mommy lets her out better. The dog will not go near the door until her mommy gets up and walks toward it.
I told her she mows the lawn better too, but no luck.
Did you miss Black Friday or Black Saturday or Black Sunday because you were knocked out and tied up by escaped inmates? You're so in luck - it's Cyber Monday! Are you beginning to think this is all an even bigger attempt to get your money? Do you wonder how they came up with these names, and if there are more on the way? Kinetic Tuesday? WowWow Wednesday? Cyber-Stupid Thursday? Grossly Incompetent Friday? Flat Tire on the Information Highway Saturday? Sexy Sunday (where the deals are guaranteed but the sex isn't)?
According to my inbox, which tells me solar weather (but not earth weather), my Black Friday coupons are still valid, and the state of my relationship with Guitar Center, there sure are a lot of sales. Gaming seems to be a huge category. Unfortunately, when the gaming craze started, I was left in a basket on church steps, and missed it totally. I know that if you call something 'gaming', you can charge 74% extra for it: get this limited edition gaming mouse pad - only $49.99! I know there's a Final Fantasy, but it's all a lie.. just when you think the fantasy was final, there's a Final Fantasy XII. I can't support that level of deceit. There are a ton of headphones; wireless, wired, and tie-yourself-up-in-the-cord. Some have mics, like a pilot, which partially hide your face. From what I've seen, people should pay extra for anything that hides their face. If you're going to buy anything that starts with Amazon Fire, don't. Every keystroke goes through Amazon, to the Bezos-Lair. Get yourself a regular old android tablet, that only goes through the Goog. After you bought Gaming Everything, you'll need a Gaming Chair from which to perform your Gaming Magic. The Herman Miller Gaming Chair is only $1,499. Snap em up before they're all gone!
There are wireless mice, which, if they're gaming mice, are horribly expensive. There are Xbox goodies... last time I checked, Xbox has a microphone inside that's always on. If you start talking about linux or Mac, your games won't work. Of course there are 43 different tv's for sale, mostly the same size.. the kids can fight over the 43" or the 44".
There are laptops. Cheap laptops. Believe me, you get what you pay for. There are gaming laptops, indicating you are not getting what you're paying for. At the Laptop Factory, Bob goes around to half the laptops, putting a GAMING sticker on them, so they can charge twice the normal price. There are lots of tiny 13" monitors, which are obviously marketed to children. I'd spend all day trying to boot up a 13" monitor because I couldn't see where to log in.
There are a ton of Apple products. Do not purchase an Apple product unless it has the $Expensive tag on it, otherwise it's a fake product.
Don't forget the mechanical keyboards, as opposed to the ones you use your mind for?
Get a good deal on SD storage for your phone or whatever. You need a place to keep your larger pR0n files.
The Insta Pot is deceptively named, because it still takes time to cook stuff - just less time. I have one... it took me longer because it had 3 lids and I couldn't figure out which one to put on. The directions were almost, but not quite, IKEA quality.
So yeah... Happy Buying. Remember your local stores, before their Idiot Mayors put them out of business due to Flying AIDS restrictions. Or Idiot Governors, who discovered prime shopping time was Sunday at noon, so he ordered all stores closed. To protect you.
People keep talking about the Vaccine<tm> to eradicate the Flying AIDS. There are other ways, you know. Allow me to list some:
- have Rosie Perez talk at it
- have the CDC and WHO attempt to make it more lethal
- have it star in the latest Hollywood blockbuster
- form Virus Lives Matter and peacefully march a lot, destroying other virus' stores and homes
- infect it with ransomware
Linus Torvalds, contentious father of linux, doubts linux will get ported to Apple M1 hardware. --------> Who cares?
So that illegally installed Monolith in Utah that the aliens put there in their never-ending quest to mess with us? It was illegally uninstalled. Somewhere, in a spaceship circling the planet, the grays are wetting their.... whatever grays wet.
- Baltimore public schools shut due to ransomware. This after Baltimore city shut due to ransomware. Obviously they hired (then fired) some uber competent IT folks. Be safe and stay out of Baltimore... if their traffic lights are computer controlled, it's gonna be a Big Mess<tm>.
- Story: Joe Biden fractured his foot while playing with his dog
- Reality: he tried to sniff Kamala's hair
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