Christmas with the Cohens

 

Your love is like  a peaceful BLM/Antifa rally

Way back when people went to malls, before the internet and the Flying AIDS all but wiped them out, we got to see all sorts of interesting stores. Ok, I lied, but at least every mall had a Victoria's Secret, with hyper-aggressive salesgirls. Can I help you sir? Yes, I'm looking for some fashionable girdles to hold my prodigious gut in. And stockings... some nice stockings. I want to feel pretty.

Where was I?

I figured out Victoria's secret: how she can get so many people to pay so much for so little.

One thing I miss, before the crowds started to bother me (any more than 2 of us in the store at 1 time), was Sharper Image. Sharper Image or whatever store it was that had all the incredibly overpriced gadgets. A lighted wine opener for $149.99. The best binoculars with video recorder (because there were no others) for $299. A recliner that did massage for $4799, $6399 for the masseuse option. A lighted, heated car seatcover, also with masseuse option. For the kids, an actual Porsche that only works indoors. For the smart kids, a remote-controlled plutonium refining plant. For the less-gifted kids, a remote-controlled junkyard in Detroit somewhere. A Bluetooth mixer that texts you when the dough is mixed (or the fingers have been mashed). A Bluetooth blanket that texts you when you're warm enough. A Bluetooth app that searches for only the kind of pr0n you like, and texts you when it fills up your computer. The piece de resistance is a Bluetooth dresser that you can summon with a text. Impress your friends... call the dresser and it appears!

Since the Flying AIDS has put a cramp in my malling (and my life), I don't get to see these stores (are not in malls anymore), so I located them online. Ok, even grade school dropouts and DMV workers can find Sharper Image and Hammacher Shlemmer and FAO Schwarz. Looking at heated this and Bluetooth that just isn't the same online. Or I'm getting less interested (as if that were possible). Or the toys are getting less interesting (most likely). Oh well, progress.

Speaking of progress, you can order a couch at Costco. Hold the phone - order a couch? Well, it was mighty nice looking in the weekly flyer. Mrs lefty thought so. I had to agree with her, but there was the small problem of not being able to sit in it before we bought it. I don't buy a guitar without playing it first. She doesn't buy grapes without eating one first. What if the monolith of a couch gets here and it's the wrong shade of black (commonly referred to as brown)? What if she sits in it, immediately sags to sea level, and requires an entire fire company to extract her? What if we mistakenly got the ejector seat option and she hits the wrong button? What if the dog isn't comfortable??  Mrs lefty mentions they have a return policy. Have you ever tried to stuff an entire multi-piece sofa back into individual cardboard boxes? Then you call for pickup and they tell you it needs to be returned to the store.

So I'm not getting a couch from a catalog, but I did learn that in Israel, they have destroyed cancerous cells in mice. They hope for human trials in 2 years. Hold the phone (again) - at least 2 years between method and human trials for cancer, but a 1 yr method to human use for a Flying AIDS vaccine. It can take years for a new medicine to hit the market because of the testing required. I used to be in the industry - this isn't something somebody read on Faceyspaces. Let's use our Calm Voices: I think there might be something off about the Flying AIDS vaccine. "We rushed the Flying AIDS vaccine to market but we're taking our time on a possible cure for cancer."

Today I identify as  a 1947 fire truck, with a bell that goes ding, ding, ding!

A southwest Philly man is in the hospital after being shot 11 times.

What does this tell us?

• bullets aren't expensive enough
• southwest Philly needs better vision tests for its shooters
• somebody's homies are pointing and laughing at them

The Liberty Bell and Independence Hall will be closed through December.

Idiot Mayor thinks the bell could catch the Flying AIDS

• Guitar Center has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy due to the Flying AIDS, and will continue business while restructuring.
• see what happens when I don't leave the house?
• also might have something to do with shrinking store inventory

Joe Biden is starting to look for cabinet appointees. So far, the only skills required are CPR and the ability to repeat things over and over without going mad. They are also required to attend Kamala's freaky weekend parties.

Over at the US Postal Service, they're introducing a nationwide digital 'Operation Santa', wherein kids write to Santa, and it will be shared online. To make things more realistic, the first 3 letters will be lost, Santa will only work 8 hours a day, with several breaks for drinking lunch and smoking blunts. Few of the letters will be answered, blaming Trump for budget cuts, and less will be posted because the USPS is busy burning all those ballots and other mail they just don't want to deliver. This will prepare kids for real life, with all its grief, greed, and disappointments. After liquid lunch, sometimes Santa gets itchy and signs his name 'Satan.'

In a totally unrelated matter, we've had 2 packages to return. Both were put in our mailbox, with the flag up, and both required a personal trip to the post office because Heidi the Mail Chick didn't pick either one up. Perhaps she was out the day they talked about letters in mailboxes with a TO: address.

I was never involved with this because I was at work, but we had a beloved mailman for many years, who was right out of the 50s. If something was heavy, he'd carry it in for people who couldn't. He was a real gentleman and a nice guy. When it was cold, people would make him hot chocolate. When it was really cold, people would make him hot chocolate with a bit of a boost in it. Because he was on our route for so long, and because everything was working so well, he needed to be transferred to a new route, in Postal Wisdom. Then we got Bob. No idea what his name was, but Bob is sufficient. Whenever we met our original guy and told him what was up, he'd say "Oh, you must have Bob."  I don't want to throw a lot of negativity on Bob; we got our mail (eventually), and he never appeared intoxicated or stoned - he just worked like it.

• Cojoined separated twins Sanchia and Eman Mowatt are now at university, and say 'We always knew we were different'
• Their parents are horrified they didn't manage to keep their childrens' secret from them.

Last week was America's Fools Day, the one day Congress does something right. They passed an IoT security bill, stating the government would only buy IoT devices with a certain level of security. This is hailed as a step to get a minimum level of IoT security in place. Not to worry, ladies and gentlemen, your doorbell camera will still be shared with police, and your baby cameras will still have Satan's voice coming out of them. This is also the 1 time per year that Congress rightly concerns itself with something more than actual Americans.

A black aspiring jockey in Britain wants to encourage other young black riders to get into horse racing. This would not go well in the US. Regardless, there is a Diversity in Racing Steering Group, so we can all sleep at night. 

Dear lefty  

• We're having turkey with all the trimmings. You?
• We're in danger of lamb. I might stay home and eat an Oscar Meyer bologna sandwich. It's not as miserable as it sounds - I put horseradish mustard on it.

The cancel student debt people are out, getting Biden's ear.

It's only fair.... so what if they signed on, agreeing to pay. They've determined it's unfair, after the fact, so the entire debt should be canceled.

Presumptive President Biden: I need you to cancel my mortgage debt. It's unfair.

It turns out the biblical Goliath might not have been as tall as first thought. Scholars translating the story from its original ancient French believe the person commenting to have said, "That man's as big as a truck," instead of 27 cubits, 1 parsec, and 4 stone.

Hey - miss your coworkers? Need a shot of the old geekness? Long for yet another place that women forgot? Have yourself a Virtual Christmas. Fire up your favorite conferencing software (that's not Zoom), decorate the old home office chairs and desks merrily, have someone do the announcements, and celebrate!

Screw this. Celebrate alone, like you're destined to. You never went to holiday parties anyway. Geeks don't do that - it's in the Geek Charter.

Here's some Flying AIDS news that contradicts the Narrative.... [italics mine]

First is the Danish mask study, which was completed several months ago but was only recently published in a peer-reviewed journal. The study took two groups and gave the first group masks to wear with instruction on how they should be used. The other group was the mask-free control group.

The study found that coronavirus spread within the statistical margin of error in each group. In other words, wearing the mask did little if anything to control the spread of the virus.

Similarly, a massive new study conducted in Wuhan, China, and published in the respected scientific journal Nature, reports that asymptomatic persons who have tested positive for Covid-19 do not pass on the infection to others. Considering that mask mandates and lockdowns are all based on the theory that asymptomatic “positive cases” can still pass on the sickness, this is potentially an important piece of information to help plan a more effective response to the virus. 

It's been a pretty shitty year, so it's more difficult to be thankful....

I'm thankful for good health for everyone around me. No murder in the family either. Imagine being thankful for no close deaths. Having a job. 1 or 2 days of sun per week.

I don't want to sound like a game show host, but thanks for coming by. This blog was difficult when I had 4 followers. The increased reads make me feel better. And when I feel better, I don't get into things (as quickly).