Monday, August 10, 2015

What is at the top of Trump?

Poor sleeping pattern could be a contributing factor to cancer, a test on mice suggests.

I am not exactly a scientist, medical expert or even a mouse enthusiast but I must take exception to this travesty of research. What the study shows is that weird sleeping can cause cancer in MICE.

* In most cases, mice are not humans, although some humans are known to be mice.

* The study cannot prove a causal relationship because you cannot accurately simluate real world sleep patterns in mice. The study did not account for the wife leaping in and out of bed, the wife waking you up because she's up anyway, the dog jumping on your chest and circling before going to sleep, or the mouse's neighbor running the $@!ing lawnmower at seven in the morning.

* the mouse does not suffer sleep deprivation over how he's going to pay for the kids' iPhones.


* the human doesn't have to worry about cats (or the dog, if he sees the cat chasing it).

* the human is not likely to be used for medical experiments (unless the CIA is involved).

* The human will not fit through the hole in the molding (or the wainscotting)

* Most humans can NOT make it through a maze

  • Peru is about to make 'first contact' with an isolated Amazon tribe.
  • 30 days after first contact, the Mashco Piro Indians will send back some questions:
  1. We're very impressed by television. May we return the favor by leading an attack on the tribe Kardashian?
  2. Why do all of your things have 'i' in front of them?
  3. 'Hummer' mean something else here.
  4. What is at the top of 'Trump'?
  5. May we trade hunting skills for this 'boob job' thing?
  6. What medicine for VD?
  7. Why do you sit on 'couch' when you can sit on log?
  8. Why do you have such small... gen... genit... penises (except for the dark ones)?
  9. 'Glock' less accurate than bow and arrow.
  10. No, Tonto not related.

Who says militias are bad or crazy?
After the tragedy in Chattanooga, militiamen, veterans and citizens are standing outside armed forces recruiting centers, guarding them with their own guns. For some reason known only to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, recruiters are not allowed to carry weapons, so these folks are acting as unpaid guards, on their own time and at their own expense.  Some of the neighbors are nervous but more importantly, the recruiters are safe and they're standing up for their own. 

  • Scientist warns the world to 'think twice before replying to alien signals from outer space'  The only problem is that any civilization that would be capable of sending signals here would already know about us. Again, a smokescreen.

In case you missed it (or are in denial), an all-transgender modeling agency is opening in LA. More dick for the click?

  • A brain-eating amoeba has been found in Louisiana water.  They should also be checking Kentucky and D.C.

BEST headline of the month/year:  Wyoming man found with 30 eyeballs stuffed up his anus. Probably because the silverware no longer fits.

  • A Philly treat for many years is water ice. For those of you in far-away climes, it's somewhat similar to a Slurpee/Icee but a little less liquidy and eaten with a spoon. Marshall aims to be the first spaniel with an endorsement deal from Rita's Water Ice.

Got Water Ice?

Speaking of Trump, we should all know by now that he's running for president. This definitely complicates the decision as to which presidential candidate gets the ThermionicEmissions endorsement. Of course my vote always goes to the libertarian candidate but at this point we're not sure who that is. This may be a political statement on the election. Trump himself is a real spoiler - if he gets in, there will be no shortage of material and General Amusement, of the variety promised but not delivered by Joe Biden. Then there's the perennial favorite, Vermin Supreme, because how can you argue with a presidential candidate who wears a boot on his head? Stay tuned for details.

  • The FBI is sure getting good at tracking down suspects: check this story out. Never mind the kidnapping - look at how the FBI managed to get the info. This is creepy (and the NSA is jealous).


AS readers might have noticed, I take a dim view on child abuse, noting that it goes all the way to the top. Here are a few stories from this week: Epidemic of US children sold for sex and FBI says child abuse at almost epidemic levels. Police, citizens, Members of Parliament, Congresscritters... all the way to the top.  In fact, Met Police is investigating the late former prime minister Edward Heath (posthumously) into claims of historical child sex abuse by establishment figures.

  • There are some articles that leap right out at me and say ThermionicEmissions!  Dozens of bra-wearing men and women have protested in Hong Kong after a woman was jailed for assaulting a senior policeman with her breast.  A Chinese woman accused an officer of touching her breast. The court ruled that she pushed her breast into him so she could charge him. 
  • I'm starting to develop a fantasy. A fine fantasy of fanatical frenzied females, all trying to assault me. Life is good.

Service dog dials 911 during fire, saves blind owner. Yolanda the yellow lab called the fire department. Dogs truly are better than humans. Yolanda also called 911 last year when her owner fell and lost consciousness.

  • NFL running back comes out of the closet: No, he's not gay. No, he's not changing his gender. No, he's not a pedophile....even worse - he's an atheist!

Close it on Some Musical Magic!

Ever heard of Steve Vai?  You might have caught him as David Lee Roth's early solo guitarist or in Frank Zappa's band ("my little Italian Virtuoso", Stevie's Spanking). Steve is one of those rare Guitar Geniuses. Anyone who can transcribe for Zappa and play that stuff is among the musical elite.  Steve is a delightfully wacky musician who does things his own way.

Another of those tunes guaranteed to make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention is For the Love of God.  Notice the way Steve owns the stage, the music, and his guitar. The guitar faces are priceless and completely appropriate. The studio version of this song, not far away from this recorded version, was recorded after a fast of a number of days.

We are also treated to a bit of pre and post-tune virtuosity, ala Steve's Noises. Steve is ably accompanied by the even more wacky Mike Keneally (Beer for Dolphins, Frank Zappa) on guitar and keyboards.

Does Mr. Vai look familiar?  You might have seen him as the devil in Crossroads, playing against Ralph Macchio in the Soul Selling Scene.  Or the triple-necked guitarist in David Lee Roth's 'Just Like Paradise'.

Enjoy his take on Jimi's Little Wing. One of Steve's more amusing tracks is The Audience is Listening, with one of his school teachers on announcements.

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