Monday, August 31, 2015

I Identify as an Octopus

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.

The Chinese, fresh from their attacks on the Office of Personnel Management and United Airlines, decided to hack Kim Kardashian. They quickly realized that there's nothing there.

  • Listening to music before, during and after an operation reduces pain. Unless it's Miley Cyrus.

An Australian doctor suggests people consider the diets of Holocaust victims if they want to lose weight. Also suggests people consider the flight of Amelia Earhart if they want to vacation.

  • The first case of cyber-flashing has occurred in England. A woman traveling on a train in south London had two pictures of an unknown man's penis appear on her iPhone. Yes, Apple comes to the rescue again with its Airdrop sharing function. The lady had forgotten to turn it off, allowing picture transfer. I am assigning the blame to three parties:
  1. to the lady for not turning off Airdrop
  2. to the flasher for not even bothering to let the lady know whose penis it was
  3. to Apple because everyone knows ThermionicEmissions doesn't do iDevices

The federal government has amassed $2,672,414,000,000 in federal taxes (10 months through fiscal 2015), which comes out to $17,955 per taxpayer. In spite of this bald-faced thievery, there is a $465.5 billion deficit. Mad yet? How much of your money goes to other countries, the military-industrial complex, black budget projects, corporate welfare and general government malfeasance?  ADDITIONAL: the debt has been frozen for 150 days because DC hasn't managed to RAISE the debt ceiling yet again.

  • Chelsea Manning, (formerly known as Bradley) is in trouble. While Bradley (stay with me - it's complicated), he exposed government secrets. As with all whistleblowers under this most transparent of administrations, he got thrown in jail.  Now she has been thrown in indefinite solitary confinement because of expired toothpaste and a copy of Vogue magazine with Caitlyn Jenner on it. Expired toothpaste? C'mon guys - couldn't you come up with something more creative (like one ply toilet paper instead of two)? As for Vogue, I believe anybody with a copy of Caitlyn Jenner on anything should be thrown into solitary.

The EPA continues to be very sorry about dumping three million gallons of toxic orange sludge into the Animas River in Colorado. In an effort to prove that the water was no longer orange, the mayor had a swim in the river. In unrelated news, the mayor of Colorado's eyebrows (and nipples) have fallen off.

  • While typing up this nonsense, I have come to wonder if an italic period looks different from a regular period.

I don't think I'm getting the hang of this texting thing. Sure, I can type dirty words at my wife, but my next door neighbor at work, ten feet away, sends me texts all day.  Not entirely understanding why the gentleman can't simply ask me using his voice (an outdated technology?) so I guess it's me... Small wonder he goes through girlfriends like my wife goes through Coca-Cola (she has a real drinking problem).

  • Just when you thought Selfie Culture couldn't get any weirder, news comes from Russia of an online groups that encourages taking selfies with the dead and posting them for prizes. Hey Bob - good composition (decomposition?). Nice makeup. Your picture really stiffed. That store looked awfully dead.  Must've been cold as a morgue in there. That shot really shows the rigors of mortis. Was he waving? Was she freshly dead? Did you have to beat off the necrophiliacs for a shot? Sorry, I'm just killing today.

The Rev Al Sharpton has called on black churches to lobby in favor of the Iran deal. As Frank Zappa said, "Tax the churches". [RIP]

  • Half of the young people in the UK say they're not 100% heterosexual. Three quarters have bad teeth. A gay fellow I know gets mad when you talk about bisexuals. He says they're just lazy and haven't decided which team they're on.

A Canadian firm has been granted a patent on a space elevator that will reach 12.4 miles up. This is not the elevator to get stuck behind when a frisky couple decides on some Love in an Elevator.

  • Oracle's Chief Security Officer wrote a first class rant about why security experts shouldn't be finding vulnerabilities in her products. Meanwhile, Microsoft is beating itself about the head and shoulders, wondering why it didn't come up with this first.

I love to hear what other countries think of us Ugly Americans. Read what the Brits have to say about our obsession with Food on a Stick. This coming from a country where boiled food is the height of cuisine.

  • The Price of Perfection: Sofia Vergara, official pinup of ThermionicEmissions, laments her 32Fs losing their perkiness and wants implants. I'll be the judge of that.

A recent study on young women in sports has brought about a new disorder: Female Athlete Triad Syndrome. It's largely the same as malnutrition but needed its own name because people in sports like to feel Special. What the namers completely failed to anticipate is the effects of referring to women as FATS.


Van Halen's on the road now, with original Three Ring Circus Master of Ceremonies David Lee Roth. But Van Halen is only tangentially related - their opening act is Kenny Wayne Shepherd. KWS (only complete idiots are allowed to refer to him this way) is an incredibly serious bluesman. You can tell because he's from the south, where you need to use your middle name to indicate your mastry of the instrument (Stevie Ray Vaughan anybody?). No one without a middle name is taken seriously in Texas.  I'd have a real problem in Texas, largely as I don't even have a last name. Or much talent.

Kenny Wayne was a childhood prodigy who studied at the feet of Stevie Ray Vaughan, sometimes literally. You can't mistake the influence in his blues. Kenny got incredibly more serious and has turned out to be a real fire-breathing bluesman, as well as hitmaker.

I have a connection to Kenny Wayne, believe it or not.  He played a big part in the Experience Hendrix tour, with his band playing in the background and his singer handling the lion's share of the vocals (this guy does not look like he sounds). Our connection stems from his ripping leads, when he stood on his monitor and stared down my wife's shirt. I have never been more proud, in spite of his repeated playing from our side of the stage. We had front-row seats, affording many of the musicians a great view, but only Kenny took the extended opportunity. He was no doubt thinking to himself what a great decision he made, becoming famous, giving him the chance to see a whole bunch of cleavage. I only wish, as compensation, that some of his talent would have rubbed off on me. Oh well, I'll always have cleavage.

Enjoy Deja Voodoo. This is an older clip, featuring his original vocalist, Corey Sterling. Note the excellent guitar faces he makes. This boy was born to be a star.

When I said opening for Van Halen, I wasn't kidding. Check this out, from July 5, 2015. He positively blazes. Notice that at no point does KWS stand on a monitor and look down anyone's shirt. Can he do slow blues? Of course.

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