Your love is like mayonnaise on peanut butter
Dear lefty
- Why do people from other countries come to this blog?
- clicking on bad links, searches for service elephants, 3D printed chicken nuggets, the Ministry of Silly Hats, boob-shaming, or bladder leak underwear
Russian interference in the election continues, with the revelation that thousands of Russians watched the debates. [Stosh said to Pavlov, "If Americans believe this iznuryat, they're interfering in their own election."]
In other Cyrillic news, Russia plans to release the early Flying AIDS vaccine data. Aside from the fact that the vaccine doesn't work and it's too early to have accurate results, the vaccine is a big success.
There are very slight differences between Russian and American governments. A rocket launches, then promptly fails to remain airborne, crashing into a small city. In Russia, the event never happened. In America, the crash is highly publicized, the government pays millions to the city, and the budget for NASA is increased by billions because of
- Credit where it's due: a senator asked the Department of Homeland Security if foreign-controlled browser extensions threatened the US. I think most of Congress couldn't identify a browser extension, so kudos to him.
If you think you have to get up early, witness the plight of Space Station astronauts, who were awakened to look for an air leak.
Uhhhh.... Space Station.. this is Houston. THIS IS HOUSTON. GET UP, SLEEPYHEADS. Sorry to wake you, but it seems there's a bit of an air leak we'd like you to locate. No problem if you don't want to get up, but don't expect to get up again. Ever.
Eating at the Blue Sign
Recently we went out for dinner, to iHops, for pancakes. They're starting to allow dine-in (picking up pancakes to eat at home just doesn't seem right, plus we lost the ancient recipe to make them at home). They almost seemed surprised that we wanted to eat-in. The atmosphere was pretty creepy or downright silly, depending on your point of view. The buffer between aisles was covered with huge rows of plastic wrap. I suspect that this was not for wrapping up your food for the dog. There were 2 other diners, seated roughly a half mile apart, to satisfy social-distancing regulations.
The menu went from a hardback 23 page, full-color spread to a nearly colored table mat. Oddly, they still had our favorites, along with deep-fried chicken, deep-fried burgers, deep-fried grease bits, and one chicken sandwich that wasn't deep fried (it came wrapped in bacon). I particularly love the mandatory caloric information next to each dish, along with the occasional SODIUM WARNING. This was added by nosy, busybody politicians, because people don't know that chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream, floating in Real Imitation Maple Syrup is high in calories and not particularly good for you. My favorite thing on the menu was the discovery that the healthy pancakes had more calories than the chocolate ones. The only WARNING missing was that you should avoid the iced tea lemonade unless you enjoy the taste of convenience store plastic bottled lemonade. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect the eggs come from cardboard or plastic containers, containing the minimum amount of Egg Product allowed by the Food and Drug Administration. They taste sorta like egg-like substance, but not enough for me to order one. Mrs lefty likes the pancakes that smile at you, if only as a reminder to take her meds.
We got the finest plastic silverware: it was black, in support of Black Lives Matter. It came in its own, germ-resistant plastic packet. The waitress asked us if we had iPhones, because we could order online. Everybody vigorously shook their heads no. Aren't we paying for (and tipping) a waitress? The instructions said that we had to enable location, wireless, and give it full access to our addressbooks. I was beginning to think we were at a walk-in Faceyspaces. Aside from the plastic-wrapped dividers, the waitresses were all wearing masks. We felt particularly protected, especially when we saw all the waitresses were not covering their noses with their masks. Remember the choice of syrups in those wicked containers that were usually close to empty? The waitress brought out 2 small, round, almost to-go containers of maple syrup only. Someone complained the coffee was watery. Well, you like convenience store coffee, so why are you complaining? It's all colored water anyway.
Fortunately the food was the same as we remembered it, even if it was served on small paper plates, delivered by a waitress from 6' away, with some sort of long-arm contraption so she didn't have to get anywhere near us. I don't blame her, but for other reasons.... I wouldn't want to wait on me either. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to wait on, in spite of my sweet, genteel manner, good looks, and refined fashion sense. On my best behavior, I didn't curse out loud once, attracting the attention of the entire restaurant.
Between 2 recent excursions to eat at restaurants, I decided to give up until the Flying AIDS has passed and we can all eat together, with metal silverware and waitresses that aren't afraid to come near the tables. Then I can go back to complaining about the noisy little f-ers that always get seated next to us, whose parents seem unaware of their screaming, which can be heard over a plane taking off (or an Ozzy concert).
- Tesco, One of the World's Largest Supermarket Operators, Sets 300% Sales Target For Plant-Based Alternatives To Meat
- Unfortunately, Tesco's customers set a 300% sales loss, because the stuff tastes like meat-flavored plants, only not as good.
Noted scientist, virologist, and war criminal, Bill Gates, has come up with a 3 point plan to rid the world of the Flying AIDS. Many suggest we'd be better off ridding the world of Bill Gates.
With the lack of actual ticket sales and running out of government bailout money, airlines are running Fights to Nowhere. You get on the plane, take off, see some stuff, then land. Highlights include:
- higher ticket prices than Flights to Somewhere
- that same airline food you know and love
- DISCLAIMER: if you bring luggage, there is no guarantee it will be lost
- the Miss Arizona SCUBA Team pageant
- TSA screening takes no time, including the prostate check (you too, ladies)
- with early booking, you can request a child to scream and kick your seat, or a grossly overweight person to sit next to you
- No masks required on Covid flights
- Deplaning made faster and easier. With parachutes.
Because California has been out of the Crazy News for a few days, they just announced they'll house prisoners based on gender identity, not biological sex. Are they going to provide runways for prisoners who identify as F-15s?
- Kylie Jenner's makeup company warns of a data breach.
- Asked for comment, Ms. Jenner said, "What's a data breach?"
Happys
Buddy Rich - the drummer
Johnny Mathis - chances are he's 85
Marc Bolan - no longer banging a gong
Less Happys
Mac Davis - heart surgery a few days ago
Mary Ford - wife of Les Paul, helluva player
Black Lives Matter have chartered a Russian Rocket (because American rockets are full of white privilege). They are planning to go into space and put on a massive protest because black holes are racist.
Pundits say the protest will be marred because many have suggested BLM take a rocket somewhere anyway, and because black holes tend to suck anything around into them, especially Marxists. There is no way to peacefully set fire to a black hole, which will also come as a surprise to BLM.
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