Your love is like peanut butter and motor oil
Where was the last California Congressional junket to?
To New York, to visit the Statute of Limitations
Today I identify as a lesbian little person of Jewish ancestry in the KKK
Murder Hornets, otherwise known as Asian Giant Hornets, have changed names, of course to avoid bias. They will now be known as Potentially Life-Ending Hornets.
No, seriously, apparently Asian Giant Hornets causes worry about anti-Asian hate. If you think about this, there's going to be a lot more name-changing going on....
- American cars will henceforth be referred to as Fat Bloated Capitalistic Government-Supported vehicles, so as to not offend any country that isn't America
- Maine maple syrup will be known as Canadian-offshoot maple syrup, because other states can't make maple syrup and they're jealous
- Swiss cheese will be called Holey cheese. Sharp provolone will be called OOF, get that away from my nose
- Brazil nuts are now Look at That Ass nuts
- Russian dressing will continue to be ignored, because it tends to invade your salad (and the salad at the next table)
- Polish kielbasa will be referred to as kielbasa, to combat the perception that kielbasa is stupid
- African elephants will just be called Frank, to combat anti-elephant bias
Yesterday my work Windows laptop rebooted. It warned me and allowed me one postponement. Did I want to stop working so the defective operating system could reboot? No. Did it allow me to wait til the day was done to reboot? No. Did I have to re-bring everything up that I was working on? Yes. Is Bill Gates a war criminal, just for this alleged operating system? You betcha.
Isn't that sweet? Your doorbell is now an agent of Big Brother (not your tv)
Why, oh why, do I dislike video doorbells so?
WHO declares monkeypox an international emergency as child cases raise alarm
Be fair - the Flying AIDS panic is winding down and we haven't had a single PANIC request in weeks.....
Russia said it will be pulling out of the International Space Station in two years. This turned out to be propaganda, as it then invaded the Space Station, taking the American astronauts as prisoners of war. When news of the invasion got out. all other countries rushed together to do nothing at the UN. Several countries went as far as to condemn (strongly) the invasion.
The invasion was quickly put to rest when the American astronauts reminded the Russians that they control the air and water systems, and they could disconnect from the Russian module at any time. Despite this, Putin was heard to cry, "INVADE INVADE INVADE!"
Biden blames climate change and puts together a $100 billion aid package for Argentina and Canada.
In the meantime, don't step on the aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Meanwhile, the military industrial complex petitioned Congress to invade a few more countries, pointing out how safe their bombs are.
165 Government Staffers Beg Biden to Do Something, Anything on Climate
No no no no... don't do anything. Every time Biden does something, it costs billions
This is a very shrewd move on America's part. Send her to Taiwan and she'll bankrupt them in short order. She'll then use inside information to benefit her husband and friends. It's pure genius. She could be the secret weapon to end all secret weapons.
Unfortunately, Beijing threatened to use an ICBM on her when she lands.
It's been a long time since we had any explosive (sorry) Tesla news.If you think about it, Tesla could charge extra for this. How many times has a rider been a real asshole on the road?Mrs. lefty mentioned she thinks Teslas are really cool. I told her never to drive one, and never to even walk by a parked one, for fear of explosion and fire.
Elon Musk is the only man on the planet who can charge you that kind of sticker price for that kind of danger. Inside Tesla, they refer to the cars as the old game show, "You Bet Your Life."
It's been a good vacation for you: I haven't complained about the weather for weeks. That's over.
I don't have a problem with summer, even when it's humid (roughly 6-7 days a week). However, it's been in the 90s all week and it's been every bit as gloomy as any other time of the year. It's like Mother Nature is having a hell of a chuckle at our expense. If we had a Father Nature, things would be different. When clouds tried to come out, he'd yell, "Sit down and shut up or I'm going to come back there."
A female basketball player got caught in Russia with some CBD. All the usual excuses (I didn't know it was in there, I was rushed, etc). A legal consultant opined that the legal systems are different in Russia and America. In Russia, if you're caught with it, you're guilty. Not so in America.
Think about that for a second. I know what he meant, but.... in America. a defense can be paid for that will convince a jury you didn't have the CBD.
Secondarily, it looks like the WNBA player and another fellow will be traded from Russia, for a terrorist to be announced later. Only because she was a sports star. The other gentleman was not a sports star and has been in Russia for four years. Deplorable.
Greetings to Paul McCartney and Jimi Hendrix, both caught with pot at airports.
- Yeet?
I wanted to toot my own horn (on my own blog) and celebrate leaving two things unsaid this week! I'm so excited. You have no idea how difficult it is to not say something. Especially when she's wrong and I have to correct her. It's a very difficult skill I heard about recently and I'm trying hard to pick it up. This is made doubly difficult because someone told me I have ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder (NO I DON'T!).
It was great to be allowed out of the house this past weekend. Wife and the local police OK'd it because I gave 30 days' notice. It was a real adventure, as are most of my outings.
Cashiers and employees of stores are tired of hearing "It's not priced, so it must be free." It never occurs to them that they wouldn't have to hear it once if someone actually priced the items. I saw a mannequin with what I was looking for, only the item was nowhere to be found. I found a similar item, on a huge display. It looked perfect. It was not priced. None of the 347 items on the display were priced. And they want to know why people shop online. Nor was there a price above the pegs. I think they wanted us to guess. Or complain to the cashier. The joke, however, was on the shopper, because most of the checkout lanes were self-check. Think of all the savings because they don't have to pay cashiers. What? The savings don't trickle down to the customers? Oh.
The donut place was closed. What kind of donut place is closed when I drive to it?
We were hot and thirsty and desperately in need of an icy coffee drink or something. Unfortunately there was only a Starbucks. We stood in line for ten minutes before someone behind the counter told the ten of us that we were in the wrong line. Gee, thanks. When we finally had our turn, it was frappucino time. Of course I'm just kidding - they couldn't make frappucinos. They must've run out of ice or something. Or lids. It must've been a supply chain issue. Maybe there was no water to make the ice. Maybe there was no one there who knew how to make one. The drink is only about 25 years old, so not everybody is familiar with it. There was a large ICEE machine, but it was off, like most of the employees.
Let me break for a moment and say something kind about yoga pants: just because you can wear them, doesn't mean you should wear them. But G-Bus, if you had seen her and her incredible exhaust system, your head would have exploded (and that's just the women). Poetry has been written about the back side of her front. Wars were about to be fought. It spoke without speaking. I could have been arrested for what I was thinking. Mrs. lefty shook her head and said "if you've got it, work it. I never looked like that in my life, even at her age." The problem, as I explained it, was the female next to her, all 300lbs of her, in her yoga pants (size: industrial). Don't they have mirrors where these people come from? Very popular in the heat are the shirts that don't come all the way down to the waist. They're very good for showing off your tummy, whether it's flat or you have so much flab, it's hanging past your waist anyway.
Because somebody hit the Summer Switch, it's been in the 90s for weeks. I'm not complaining, except when I get in the car. All of my private parts get singed when I sit on the seat. We needed one of those spring-loaded windshield covers. The store manager was in one of those moods again, so he rearranged the store. None of the customers could find a single thing. This is a 2 floor store, so it was a big, fun job. During the process, the elevator broke, making it difficult to reach the second floor; we're just not that tall. But wait - there's an escalator. And right next to the escalator is an escalator for your cart (I'm not making this up). Of course it too was broken, but it's the thought counts. We waited for a few minutes for the Man Who Could Start the Escalator to stop by and start the escalator. I wonder if he had to go away for training or was it on-the-job training? He masterfully inserted the key and it started right up. If you're really bored, you can make it look like the cart is racing the people, complete with color commentary (and the cart is pulling slightly ahead, but loses the advantage to the shopper around the first turn). This comes in handy when people are terrified of escalators, or just really confused in general.
We went for the auto section, only to find it moved. Somewhere. I have to give them credit - it was well-hidden. Not so much as a sign. Why there was an entire aisle of general auto things, most of them missing from the shelves (supply chain issues, you know). The windshield shields had a prominent position in the auto aisle, and you could have any size or color you wanted, so long as it was the one they had.
As much as we like to get out on weekends, we decided staying in might be better. I have modified my requests to the police for once a month instead of weekly. At home, we made the best of our time, shopping online. We managed to find some of what we wanted but one of us felt left out. That's right, Mrs. lefty and I were sitting next to each other with the laptop, and the dog wasn't having any of it. Hell hath no fury like a cocker ignored.
DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, I can help. How about if I jump up and shoehorn myself between the two of you so I can help you shop?
MOM, MOM, MOM.... here's what you want - I'll hit the keyboard with a paw so you know what to buy! No, you really need THIS one.
Maybe it would make you feel better if I licked your nose for a bit.
Seeing that this didn't seem to help, she jumped off the couch. We were finally left in peace to shop (no we weren't). One minute later there's a dog with a toy, banging it against my leg. Banging it against my leg repeatedly, because maybe I didn't notice it the first time. The banging will continue until I grab the toy and play tug-of-war with it.
Finally the aggravation of being ignored for moments at a time was too much, so she had no choice but to sit at our feet and make strange noises. MOM DAD don't you see me here? Give me some tuna or something. Let me HELP. I'm very helpful. If you want, I could hump a pillow or something. Rub my belly, please. I want to go outside. I don't have to, I just want to. Stop what you're doing and PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
Each year, dogs kill 14% of Amazon's bottom line.
No comments:
Post a Comment