He's Dead, Jim

Sometimes, they are all out to get you department:

It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.

At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.

Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her.  So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.

Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing for porn local news), when I hear RINNNNNNNNG and head up to visit my friend, the ceiling. It requested that next time, I pull my pants up before visiting.

The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.

I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.

• IMPORTANT: since Valentine's Day is coming, Dunkin Donuts is again featuring Brownie Batter donuts (for about 2 weeks). They're heart-shaped, with chocolate frosting on top, and what one could only call brownie batter inside. I don't get paid for this. In fact, I don't even get a damn free donut. But they're that good, so get one before they stop making them til next year.

Safer Internet Day is February 6.
Who names this stuff?
To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.

• What online sex toys can teach you about secure coding. This article features the groundbreaking Panty Buster, and is readable by most people.
• What if someone on the internet could take control of your intimate toy?
• On the other hand, what if someone on the internet could take control of your internet toy?
• WARNING: if you're going to test the theory, I'd suggest not wearing them to work.

Nestle will stop producing "Walnut Whips" because the name encourages sexual violence to men. I had to read the article to figure out how the name encourages sexual violence to men. And who could possibly have complained.. perhaps men are taking their cues from Social Justice Warriors. In case you don't want to click on the link, it refers to the practice of a man getting his testicles hit with a riding crop. The pursuit of knowledge is a good thing, but... perhaps this is slightly preferable to getting one's testicles crushed by a high heel, but let's just leave that to the imagination (and the people who enjoy this sort of thing).

• Pope Francis received a 2015 letter from a victim of abuse by a Chilean priest, detailing the abuse. Pope Francis claimed no one came forward.
• It is time to shut down what could be the largest crime syndicate on the planet. From the abusive priests all the way up the line. People should practice their religion but those up top are complicit in this crime (and others).

College Strikes Again!

Once again Campus Reform went on campus, this time to John Jay college in New York City. The students heard quotes they believed were from President Trump's State of the Union address and hated them. They hated them, then they found out they were from President Obama's State of the Union address. 

• The next governor of Michigan could be Abdul El-Sayed, a 33-year-old doctor and son of an Egyptian immigrant. A muslim.
• What could possibly go wrong?

Esmond Bradley Martin, investigator of elephant and rhino horn trades and protector, was found stabbed to death in his home in Kenya.

So sad. Someone has to speak for the animals.

What do you suppose he did to piss off the Clintons?

• More powerful than a C-130, two and a half times as fast as a speeding bullet, able to kill, destroy and mutilate foreign countries. Look. Up in the sky! It's a drone. It's a Concorde! It's The Valkyrie II, which will circle the globe in 3 hours or less. 
• Because Boeing needs to feed their kids too. With your tax dollars.

Two for the Price of One

Bisphenol A (BPA) is found in plastic containers and water bottles. In use since the 1960s, it mimics the female hormone estrogen (oestrogen if you live in Blighty). This leaves 90% of teenagers with gender-messing chemicals in their bodies. It has been linked to type 2 diabetes and heart disease, as well as declining male fertility. Ok, we could use some declining fertility, but I'm drawing the line at diabetes. 

Part 2: More teens are transgender, or identify using terms other than male or female these days. Perhaps they've all been consuming BPA. Perhaps they're full of excrement, buoyed by people in schools and colleges, who think it's ok to punch people if they don't agree with you and that free speech is only free if it agrees with you.

Don't get me wrong: people age 18 or above should be able to do anything they want with their own bodies, assuming they can afford it. But the children in the study were not 18 and some of them have already had surgical procedures. Like alcohol and driving, pick a point where they're capable of making a decision like this and stick with it.

Son: Mom, I have... something to... tell you.

Mom: Oh no. What is it, Son?

Son: Mom, I'm transgendered.

Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you're gay. By the way, are you sure?

Son: Completely.

Mom: I was just wondering... you being 5 years old and all.....

Personally, I identify as a lobster. Except during lobster season, when I identify as a 1974 Pinto - the one with the exploding gas tank.

• The Guardian is reporting that "every NHS (UK National Health Service) trust assessed for cyber security vulnerabilities has failed to meet the standard required."
• Fortunately that would never happen in the US, especially with electronic health records.

A Department of Homeland Security employee demonstrated the agency's commitment to keeping America safe by sticking his classified what-if anthrax papers in his airplane seat and getting off the plane. The documents are supposed to be shredded, but to be fair to the scientist, it's not like he had a shredder with him. 

CNN found the documents and agreed to hold the story until after the Superbowl, scrubbing classified data.

It is not true that we get what we pay for. It is true that we will continue to pay more for it.

Whether or not there is weather...

• Doesn't this just seem to be our year... a false tsunami warning was sent to residents along the East Coast after a private company sent out an alert following a test by the National Weather Service. The NWS tweeted out the correction and stated that it was not sent out by them.
• The tweet to South Carolina was sent by the AccuWeather app; they stated this was a test.
• It either was or wasn't a test...  it shouldn't be that difficult to get copies of that tweet, fellas.
• There will be Finger Pointing Meetings for several weeks, until a scapegoat can be appointed, in absentia if necessary.
• New York's Whacky Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, said that a false tsunami warning was better than a false nuclear warning. After leaving office, Bill will pursue his dream gig, as a shock jock.
• Some will say there's no such thing as a coincidence.
• You gotta admit, two in under a month is quite coincidental.
• In the immortal words of rock's bard, Ozzie Osbourne, "Don't ask me - I don't know."

There is a great white shark named George stalking the Everglade waters. I need to know how they know his name is George.

Wanna see my javelin?

• Last year the International Olympics Committee purchased 450,000 condoms for the Rio Olympics. In case you're wondering, the article states that this was enough for each athlete (ath-uh-leet in Philly) to have sex about 42 times. What are those folks eating and doing there? And can we get some? It's amazing they have time to compete, unless their particular games are being scored unofficially.
• In 2012, at the London olympics, they went through 100,000 condoms the first week. Nah, they're obviously blowing them up and putting them on their heads. Or, as we're reading, it may be to protect themselves from the coaches.

It doesn't happen everyday but police were involved in a standoff with a tiger in Scotland. Things got tense but after 45 minutes, some brave soul determined that it was a stuffed tiger.  No wonder it didn't growl or look at them or move or anything....

What are today's schoolchildren up to?

• Officials in New York have postponed a Daddy-Daughter Dance because of New York City's gender neutral policy. The reason is that it excluded other genders. No word on how many genders the dance excluded. Later this year, they will drop the term 'freshman' because it connotes gender. Next year they will cease using 'senior'. There's nothing really wrong with the term - they just need something to complain about and this was convenient.
• Social Justice Warriors at yet another New York high school managed to get a production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame shut down after a cracker honky white cis male landed the lead role. An African-American male quit the project earlier when a cracker honky bitch white cis female got the role of Esmerelda. 
• The agitators other-than-white privilege students wrote a list of demands, saying that, while the young lady cast as Esmeralda was “a stellar actor, singer, and dancer” any production would be “lucky to have,” she couldn’t be cast in this role because she is the “epitome of whiteness.” This is apparently perfectly ok, so long as no one says 'epitome of blackness.' That would be wrong.
• In case you were wondering, Victor Hugo said Esmerelda was half Roma and half French. The students were in no mood to deal with this kind of logic and went further on strike.
• The best quote, however, was “Stop the racist and openly stated policy of ‘color blind’ casting.."
• A group of students at Kenyon College made so much noise about a play being racist that the author pulled the play. Not satisfied, the students formed a 'whiteness club', where no white students are allowed to ask minorities questions; white people must try to answer their questions for themselves. And no spreading rumors about what people say during the meetings. Mommmmm.... he's looking at me funny again... Mommmm
• The unemployment rate for these kids will be through the roof. It will be a truly sad time when they realize that the air is different in Real Life<tm>. Their coworkers will not join a hastily-arranged march against the vice president of Human Resources for hiring white males. The coworkers also will not be part of the coalition issuing demands to the Payroll department because they pay whites the same as blacks, calling the practice institutionalized racism. No one else will volunteer to come in on weekends to throw black paint on the walls because they're painted white....

The Philadelphia Police just released footage of suspects looting a gas station following the Eagles' win. They threw food and soda, then created a hole in the back wall. We just don't hear enough feel-good stories about Philadelphians...

Philly's mayor, Jim "Sanctuary City" Kenney, referred to the troublemakers as "the knucklehead contingent" and told them to stay home. A spokesperson for the knucklehead contingent referred to the statement as racist and threatened to turn in all the illegal aliens living in the bunker under Kenney's house.

But don't limit this to Philly - the home of the Patriots' player called Gronk was robbed during the Superbowl. Give them credit - they knew when he wasn't going to be home.

• What did I learn today? I learned that the police do not use wooden horses for people control anymore because people break them and use them to start fires. We are a wondrous, adaptive lot.

So the Australian government sells office furniture off cheap when finished with it. So this fella goes to a thrift store and purchases two file cabinets cheaply, because there are no keys. He drills them open to find two file cabinets of Top Secret Australian documents.

Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information.  Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels. 

Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores.
Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.

• Yet another unsecured Cloud instance was left unlocked, exposing the personal details of over 12,000 social media stars.
• Later on, we need to have a discussion about Social Media Stars.
• We are a vapid lot.
• The people who put up the cloud instance need to be jettisoned. This is not a failure of The Cloud; it's a failure of humans.

• Headline of the Day: Woman found holding her eyeball outside church
• and I thought circumcision was bad...

Dear Britons: the first modern human in England had dark skin, blue eyes, and long black hair. He died in his early twenties. This has been determined by blue gene sequencing. He was about 5'5" tall and around 10 stone (that's 47 grams squared in American).  Three schools in New York referred to the discovery as racist because it was discovered via a white, heterosexual method.

The sample of DNA used for testing came from an incredibly old skeleton, and was found in the ear canal.

The moral here is to keep your ear canals clean, if you want to keep your privacy 10,000 years in the future.