Smuggling Produce

There are prohibitions on taking produce from one state to the other. This also happens from country to country. It makes perfect sense; one invasive species could do untold damage to the local ecosystem. Did you know that California salami carries the risk of foot in mouth disease. Whenever I speak, I run the risk of foot in mouth disease.

A long long time ago, we visited California. My friends gave my wife something we had never seen - a blood orange. Wasn't I surprised when she whipped it out on the plane... I went white and explained the situation to her. Being an ex-Catholic, she was even more guilt-ridden. Fortunately the Fruit Police didn't profile us.

Unfortunately some different police did profile us. My luggage 'went missing' and we were told it would be delivered the next day. Perhaps my dirty clothes looked threatening when they were looking for something to steal in Baggage.

• Somebody did something nasty at the NSA. Strangely enough, this wasn't done inside the NSA, by its employees. There was an event at the gate, resulting in three people being injured, one shot. The NSA was waiting for the FBI to get there. I guess they preferred making a phone call to putting an alert in the FBI's computers while they were 'monitoring' the FBI network.
• Federal officials are trying to figure out what led to the incident. I'm no crime expert, but I'd say it was the vehicle trying to get past the gate.
• The FBI said this is not terrorism. They don't know why it happened, but it isn't terrorism.

A group of scientists at my house have discovered, to no one's surprise, that cockers like Cheese Jax.

This is why you never sit over the wing.

• Songbirds Have Brains Specially Designed to Find Mates for Life. Humans have brains that are uniquely suited to watching reality tv.

NASA (Never A Straight Answer) is going to investigate a 10,000 year old  (East) Indian rock with paintings of what looks like aliens and UFOs.

NASA's finding will be that random environmental forces combined to produce what appears to be drawings, but is just completely random. SETI (Silly  Effort To Investigate) will offer the opinion that this drawing was part of a 10,000 year old comic strip, and wasn't meant to be serious. They checked their records and SETI 10,000 years ago said the same thing.

• Black Panther, the movie opening this week, has split white folks on whether it's ok for white children to wear the Black Panther mask. It could be seen as cultural appropriation.
• In unrelated news, black folks are in a tizzy over whether it's ok for their children to wear Cinderella masks and long hair. It could be seen as cultural appropriation.
• Heaven help us from white people helping us.

Thanks but no thanks: Bill Clinton has been deemed too toxic to campaign in the midterm elections. They offered the Clinton Foundation $10,000 to keep his wife home too.

• Amazon has confirmed that sex toys have been sent to random people and they have no idea how to stop it. I want to know who complained. 
• The technique, known as "verified review hacking," could involve sellers setting up dummy accounts to buy and ship their own products to strangers.
• Amazon has set aside fifty thousand dollars to open a thief school, where potential thieves learn to steal things and send them to their own houses.
• So if Grandma has a new spring in her step, look for the Amazon box.

Google is about to start filtering ads in the Chrome browser.
The initially great-sounding announcement should be looked at, like everything else, with great skepticism. The 'standards' Google is using are somewhat arbitrary, using results from an ad coalition pf which Google is a part. The idea is to get people to turn off their ad blockers, because Google and others make a lot of money from them. Imagine being the 5,000lb gorilla who is able to do this.

How am I going to react?
Same as always: by not using Chrome, which phones home to Google anyway.
From Chrome derivatives: nothing. Keep the damn ad blockers on, regardless.
From any other browser: keep the damn ad blockers on.

• Scientists warn that cleaning products are as bad for you as smoking 20 cigarettes a day.  I'm glad this was discovered and plan to do neither cleaning or smoking, so as to avoid this avenue to cancer.

Faceyspaces made things a little more safe by allowing two factor authentication. In English, this means that you log in with your password, then they send a text to your cell with a code to enter. Two factors are your password  and the code. This makes it more difficult to hijack your account (unless the thief knows your password and has your phone). Unfortunately Faceyspaces is spamming people's phones. They may or may not know this is happening.

Every day is another reason I regret for not using FB.

• So how do those smart speakers work? Check out the link - very interesting information, in case you're curious or purchased one by mistake. 
• This technology is Future Stuff. It's wonderfully helpful. It can save you time and effort. It can control your entire house. If you can deal with the negative sides.

If you use Chrome browser, be aware that Google has decided it's the arbiter of what is and isn't an acceptable ad. It is a member of an ad coalition and will be blocking certain ads to discourage people from using ad-blockers, which cut into Google's profits. 

I don't use Chrome, but there are a number of variants (Iron, Vivaldi, Opera, etc). I recommend running your ad-blocker and there's nothing more to be done. If you're looking for a good crap blocker, install uBlock Origin. This is also available for Firefox, and is lighter than others.

• Everybody's favorite pontiff, Pope John Paul Jones, was hailed as a miracle when he took the gig. Lately, not so much. His calls for change have upset the powers that be in the Church. The fellow he put in charge of financial reform, Cardinal George Pell, had to take an unscheduled break to deal with historical sex offense charges in his native Australia. The commission for the protection of minors contained two abuse survivors, who resigned, stating lack of progress.
• This man has so many people mad at him that he has been offered a secular position in the Trump White House.

I like to think America leads the world in so many things, so it's downright upsetting to see other countries outperforming us. A woman in England was arrested after leaving a nasty note on an ambulance, telling them she didn't care if the whole street collapsed; they needed to move the van because they had no right to be parked there.

This is unacceptable. To find someone so downright rude and entitled outside of the US is unimaginable.

Naturally, since this was England, she was arrested on suspicion of public order offenses. The ambulance company stressed that the arrest included verbal abuse they received, which is "completely unacceptable and must stop" There are unfortunately still a handful of narrow-minded individuals who consider leaving vile abusive notes acceptable."

While the article did mention the necessity for services to perform their duties, they seemed much more upset at the 'vile note'. I love England. If you picked up an illegal knife (longer than 3") and stabbed an entire hospital ward to death, you'd be politely taken into custody. If you stabbed an entire hospital ward to death, then made a statement disparaging Muslims, you'd be thrown the the ground, beaten, and put in jail for life. And yes, I'm exaggerating, ever so slightly.

Toxicity and Privilege Report

• That bastion of top ten thinking, Yale University, now offers a course that teaches students 'counternarratives around whiteness'.  It explores such topics as “white imagination,” “white property” and “white speech.” Follow the link: my words cannot begin to describe the abject silliness of the theme. I think I feel my White Privilege rattling.
• USA Today asks "Are boys 'broken'? Another mass shooting renews the debate on toxic masculinity".  Toxic masculinity? Who thinks this stuff up? Do they sit around in a room coming up with concepts that don't exist and putting them out as serious? Do they get paid? Do you notice that no one would dare say something like this about women?
• If you leave this blog with one thing, besides a headache, remember that sociology is not necessary for understanding; take it for granted that it's bad to be white, toxic to be male, and if you're a white male, you should just be jailed before you do something Really Bad. So if this blog ever stops getting updated, either my wife has killed me and disposed of my body so well that no one will ever find it, or The PC Police have finally hauled me away to prison because I'm not thinking the correct way.

Today's Hot Headline indicates that KFC is facing a shortage of chicken.
Taking it in stride, a spokesman for KFC said it was a good thing they weren't facing a shortage of Chicken-like Substance.

• ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce its first comment to a blog post this year. Never mind that it was spam - it was nice to see it.

Philadelphia has announced it's going to stop Porch Pirates. For those of us un-hip enough to know, Porch Pirates follow delivery trucks around and steal boxes left on porches or steps. Furthermore, Philly will also be stopping bank robberies and illegal gun sales. With legislation. Some might say Philly is an unrealistically optimistic city. Others would say Philly is silly.

Philly will be having a very large suicide march shortly. They did not indicate whether they were trying to stop it or encourage it. The following week, Philly will be holding a dance-in for gun violence.

• For all the women screaming about inequality, here's progress: Sacramento Assemblywoman Cristina Garcia (allegedly) fired an employee for refusing to play "spin the bottle" with her, during a drunken party.  This is the second accusation for Garcia, who is on voluntary, unpaid leave. Never doubt yourself, ladies.. you can do anything a man can do.

Something odd happened today at work. I was waiting for some help from another department and I saw an attractive woman. Not just "work hot", she was pretty. This is a once a year (or more) occurrence. Someone told me about minority hires and here was the proof. Apparently we need to hire one attractive person for the entire corporation or hundreds of very good looking people will mill about, out front, with signs (that have spelling errors).

I figured this must be my lucky day, but it got better: she smiled and said hello.

I smiled and said hello, trying not to spit on her or say anything (more) stupid.

I can talk to almost any woman, just making observations or funny comments. But put an attractive woman in front of me who I might like to get to know better and I become a stuttering fool, with traces of blithering idiot. Fortunately I don't have to do that anymore, or my wife will get very angry.

An employee of this department came in, donned a wide grin, and said good morning to her. Then he saw me... and said hi.

I turned to her and asked if she noticed the difference in greetings. Like most people, she had no idea what I was talking about.

I explained, she laughed, and that was the extent of our interaction. 

I give it three weeks until she gets transferred out of sight.

• George Clooney, tired of adoration and good will, is eyeing a 2020 run for president.
• George believes in gun control and donates to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a terrorist organization. Need we say more?

Due to the current 'opioid crisis', officials are turning to acupuncture for chronic  pain. Many insurances would not cover acupuncture as of a few years ago. Oh, the irony. You better watch out - the insurers might cover chiropractic soon...

• Today's Best Headline: UberEATS driver charged with killing customer. Behold the new era of dog eat dog customer service. Sometimes it's a game to see who kills whom first. Extra points for eating the body.

The Louisville men's basketball team has to give up its 2013 national championship. All this because of allegations that a former staff member arranged for strippers and hookers at their dormitory. I don't know much about sports, but I do know you need to keep morale high. And what better way to keep morale up, so to speak, than strippers and hookers? This is patently unfair to the good men of the team. The results obviously showed, as they won the championship.  Coaches, recruiters, and professional teams should take notice of this finding.

• "Kill the NRA" sign appears on a billboard.
• Reminds me of a saying: the NRA is the only group that gets blamed for what none of its members do.

Using the Freedom of Information Act, people got hold of all sorts of tapes and documentation of an October 2017 UFO sighting, that launched F-15 fighters to intercept it. The UFO then became invisible to radar. While there is no conclusion and the UFO disappeared, the article is full of information relevant to the event.

This is not only notable for the documentation and process, but that there was any information released at all. Normally when researchers start investigating, the object 'did not appear on radar' and 'there is no documentation because there is no investigation.' I know NOTHING. I see NOTHING.

I again did battle with my arch nemesis: the vacuum. Vacuum tubes are pretty damn fun and they sound good, regardless of the few hundred volts required to operate them. Vacuum cleaners, however, have bedeviled me since I moved into the house.

My mom tells me that when I was little, I went to people's houses to visit and took apart their vacuums. I have no knowledge of this, but my mom isn't quite given to being this creative. I think I was just antisocial before the age of eight and there were no computers to play with.

All this apparently changed recently.
At one time there were two semi-adults with long hair, plus a cat and a dog. This produced enough hair to build several full size Hair Sheep on the carpets. No problem - I'll vacuum.

Nope.
Problem.

I'm not old enough to be a man who grumbles GET OFF MY LAWN and They Sure Don't Make Em Like They Used To (except for cars, which are way too damn small). However, I am forced to, by the performance of vacuums. There's a vague memory of childhood and an ugly blue vacuum that rolled on the floor, with a hose coming out of it. The voices are saying "Electrolux", so they're probably the ones who took apart the vacuums when I was little. You could drag this vacuum behind a car for twelve miles and it would come back into the house (hopefully not by itself) and do the same wonderful job it always had (provided you remembered to change the bag). Everybody had one like this and no one ever had any problems.. they just worked.

Now, as you'd expect, the machines are mostly upright and made out of plastic. They are available at all price points from $99 to $2,000, with Straight Sucking, Wind Tunnel, Cyclone, and Full Blown Tornado picking up options. The joke is on the buyers because none of them work any better than the others. The colors become more attractive as one spends more, plus they're rated in amps. Here's the marketing secret: amps denotes how much electricity the motor pulls from the wall socket. It has absolutely nothing to do with how well the vacuum sucks. One assumes that because the number is larger, the vacuum is better. Although it is possible, this is not the rating that is important.

So we bought a middle of the road vacuum. Which worked for two weeks, then choked. At this point, you have no choice but to become an expert in taking apart vacuums, diagnosing, and fixing them. Or buying a new one every few months.

The next few were cheap, and worked just as well as the others, sometimes better. Then caught fire and tried to burn the house down. One trembled and disintegrated. One tried to electrocute the cat. And all of them kept choking on hair. After a quick hair removal, I noticed huge grooves in the bar, for the hair to fall into and collect, until it failed to operate. Ever the helpful little bastard, I called the vacuum company and suggested they make the grooves much more narrow, so the hair wouldn't be tempted to collect. The lady thanked me and said she'd pass it on to the engineers. Unbeknownst to me, she did pass it on to the engineers, who had a wild party, with booze and hookers, and read all the stupid suggestions sent in by poor schmucks users of the vacuums. As one would expect, mine got the most laughter, and was second only to the suggestion that they design the vacuums to last more than a few months. Even the hookers laughed at that one.

Then there's the Oreck, featured in commercials, holding up a bowling ball. We purchased one, overjoyed by the bowling ball trick, knowing it would help us in this very difficult and solemn task. I turned it on, it ate up some pantyhose, and immediately broke. So much for Oreck.

I'm not disparaging all vacuums. Our current unit is a Shark. Or Badger. Or Cyclone. Or something. I must admit that this vacuum has held together frighteningly well. It would have to, as it has to pick up tons of debris and hair, plus survive becoming airborne when it pisses me off. Which is does often.

It really picks things up; the hallmark of a good vacuum. Or any vacuum, really. It's easy to empty, requires no bag, and hasn't met a pair of pantyhose yet that it didn't like. Except it chokes. Then I spend the next fifteen minutes on my knees, with a scalpel or boxcutters, freeing the beater from the hair, dirt, and small cars it has sucked up.

My wife is having none of this and blames it all on me. Of course, this could apply to anything in the house (or out of the house). She doesn't say YOU, but I know who she's talking to, when she gets mad and says no vacuum in the WORLD will pick up the mess from only vacuuming once a month. I resent this, as I vacuum every other month. Then she tells me one cannot simply vacuum, one must rake. My head is turning around like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers, looking for some sign of intelligence in a dark tunnel.

Wife pulls out this device I have never seen before in my life. It looks like a really beefy windshield wiper blade, but shorter and more businesslike. She proceeds to 'rake', picking up small bundles of gunk that frighten the cat because they're bigger than he is. Apparently I am supposed to go around the house, on my knees, raking the carpet before I vacuum.

I have to draw the line somewhere, and this looks like a really good place for it.

No.

I will not use two devices to clean rugs. God, or Charles Manson, gave us the vacuum to clean carpets completely, not requiring pre-treatment, like a rug shampooer.

The other day, the vacuum decided to pull a variation on not working whereby it moved the dirt around, but sucked just enough dirt to make it look like it might be working. I did not like this one bit, as I don't like to have to think on weekends, especially when it involves troubleshooting vacuums. Once again I got out the surgical kit and removed the detritus from the beater, creating a pile of hair I wish I could somehow attach to my head. Once again I resumed vacuuming and the vacuum resumed pushing the dirt around. It had temporarily outsmarted me and was laughing ever so slightly that I couldn't hear it if I didn't listen for it. The vacuum has a light at the bottom to tell you it's ok, or it's clogged, or perhaps I should really leave vacuuming to someone who doesn't have the patience of a very upset five year old. The light was green, which obviously meant something was wrong.

It finally hit me... it was clogged.
This vacuum has a lot of parts. Metal parts, plastic parts, body parts, and hoses. In fact, it has more hoses when taken apart than when assembled. I finally located the clog, forty feet into one hose. Have you ever tried to shine a flashlight through a forty foot hose to see if it's clogged? They go around corners, you know.

I got out my Johnny Home Colonoscopy Kit, which features that long, flexible hose they put up your butt to see if there's any bad stuff there, or just because they enjoy putting flexible hoses up your butt and getting paid large amounts in the process. After locating the clog, I convened a panel to discuss how to remove it, being in the forty foot hose. Pens were out, as were telescoping back scratchers, wombats (I didn't have any), and the cat (he's dead). So I did what every manly man does... I banged it on the floor in a manly way. I didn't have to listen at all to hear the vacuum openly mocking me.

One small rodent later, one end of the clog got loose. This time when I banged it on the floor, more came out. I held it to the light because I like making the same mistake several times. By then, the telescoping back scratcher worked, with the imitation hand on the end grabbing pieces of gunk. Twenty minutes later, the vacuum was completely free of obstructions, including my foot. The resultant mass on the carpet looked roughly like Whoopie Goldberg, only taller and less annoying.

Tired but energized from my first win, I started to vacuum.
And (I want my wife to read this) I did it without a rake, hoe, or shovel. It looks good. So I'll see you in a month or two.

And in the end, all there is to say is, "This vacuum sucks."
Or doesn't.




this entry passed the spellcheck with no hiccups. I wouldn't read it.