A Real Toilet-Buster

Your love is like  intestinal gas

• Despite poor vision and lack of thumbs, it turns out pigs can play video games with their snouts.
• Game designers say no changes are needed

Today the president personally gave to Alzheimer's research. Then he personally gave to Alzheimer's research. He listened to overtures from Huawei that they're not really a threat to national security and scrapped Trump's order that America not use their products because "they seem nice."

• watching the Vevo 70s video channel produces all sorts of interesting things, least of which is the Osmonds, doing Do You Know the Way to San Jose. We're talking pogo sticks and skateboards. It's not only unlistenable, it's unwatchable. There must have been interbreeding.

RIP Larry Flynt (78)- the quintessential First Amendment case. He started Hustler magazine and fought for everyone's free speech.

“My position is that you pay a price to live in a free society, and that price is toleration of some things you don’t like,” he once told the Seattle Times. “You have to tolerate the Larry Flynts of this world.”

The U.S. Supreme Court agreed with him at least once, when he won a long and bitter battle with the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who sued him for libel after a 1983 Hustler alcohol ad suggested Falwell had lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse.

How can you not respect this man? Read the article, it's actually fascinating.

In my opinion, police cameras are a good thing.

In the opinion of some Beverly Hills cops, they are not. If someone starts filming, the police play loud music. If the filmer tries to livestream or upload the file, it will be rejected by copyright software. Guys - now's the time for good publicity, not this crap.

• HBO Max signs "adult" cartoon about Scooby-Doos Velma.
• Although it's not written yet, LGBTQ+ advocates say the lead character isn't gay enough.

A CDC study backs mask doubling with exposure to risky particles down 83%.

No mention of quadruple masking. Tomorrow the CDC will announce the reasons we need to single-mask. Fauci will say triple-mask. The WHO will say to give them more money. I echo the old saying about ugly women: she's a double-bagger... 1 for if hers falls off, and 1 in case yours falls off.

• UK virus variant on course to sweep world!
• PANIC! shoot the limeys, don't let them into the country, stop watching British tv!

Today I identify as  an incredibly annoying piece of tape, stuck to the bottom of your shoe

Today the Russians had a great laugh about Texas never having seen ice on the roads

Disney has joined the Social Media Police in their mission by firing Gina Carano, co-star of Mandalorian, for her social media posts. Among them are memes about Jeffrey Epstein not killing himself (ummm.... people believe he killed himself?), and Jews were more subject to violence by "neighbors" than by nazis. Seems true - there are not a ton of nazis around today, but there are a ton of antisemites. I saw it growing up - it was Pick on the Jew. She also put beep/bop/boop in her profile, after she was asked to list pronouns for trans allyship. She doesn't have to show any allyship. Instead she poked fun. I do too. What is the problem here? The problem is that she doesn't toe the social media line. Imagine posting personal beliefs in a forum that has nothing to do with your work and getting fired for it. 5 years ago, this would've been funny.

Instagram banned Robert F Kennedy Jr "for repeatedly sharing debunked claims."

Football governing bodies unite to ask Twitter and Faceyspaces to "accept responsibility for preventing abuse."  I can't see the problem here...  they already ban any speech that doesn't agree with their positions.

Hey, didja read about the town in Florida that got breached, with the hacker being allowed to adjust chemicals going into the water? I've been agitated about utilities and lax security for years. Check this out:

The Florida water treatment facility whose computer system experienced a potentially hazardous computer breach last week used an unsupported version of Windows with no firewall and shared the same TeamViewer password among its employees, government officials have reported.

SCADA controls were accessed. The US wrote malware to attack SCADA in Iranian plants years ago. 

We have meet the enemy and it is us.

You must keep your operating system up to date and patched. You must not share passwords. You must use good passwords. 2 factor authentication won't hurt either. You must question the need for something like TeamViewer: the more connection points, the more points of failure. This applies to any network, including your home computer.

If you've got questions, please ask - my advice is free, and worth every bit of what you paid for it.

Dear lefty  

• My girlfriend and I are exclusive. I think she's somewhat less exclusive then me cuz she's ho-ing around town. What should I do?
• what kinda man are you who can't keep his bitches in line? never mind, shove her down the steps and find yourself an exclusive one, who will make your life sheer hell.

Mainstream or Pr0n?  Rent a Girlfriend, We Need to go Deeper, Pink Planet

Did you know that Customs is an enforcement arm for trademarks?

A lady came back from a foreign country with a couple of what looked like fake pocketbooks for gifts. She was halted and examined. The pocketbooks were taken and sent to an expert for a decision on whether they were counterfeit goods. If they were determined to be fake, they would be destroyed. 

The lady brought back some presents. She didn't have 350lbs of them to resell. Regardless, manufacturers should compete, keeping their prices within range. 

I've also seen ICE go to a flea market and raid a stall for counterfeit shirts.

• In celebration of the Mars probe about ready to reach Mars orbit, Dubai's huge Burj Khalifa building is lit up with "Mission Accomplished"
• They would have done much better with Mia Khalifa

Hope, the Dubai Mars craft, will orbit the planet for 365 days (almost a year on Earth) to study the weather. It was put together in concert with US college students, so they Hope it will stay up there. The craft will take Sundays off to work for cosmic social justice.

China's craft, Tianwen-1, will arrive in 2 days. China assures the world that it in no way has the Flying AIDS aboard, to spread to the planet. It will know what the other ships are up to because they were built with Chinese parts. It will spend way too long studying a landing site in a 4 mile deep crater, left by the last landing. It has already told the press the mission has gone perfectly.

The US craft, Perseverance, will arrive 'soon'. It will land in a crater, look for life, and study the feasibility of a McDonalds and an NFL franchise on the planet. It will join Balls, a secret craft sent to assure military superiority on the planet and wiretap any other ships around the planet. Asked why we sent a lander to one stupid crater when we sent an entire rover last time, NASA replied, "That's a good question." For special occasions, it will order dinner from the Chinese craft.

Meanwhile, the Martians are falling down with laughter. They were getting tired of writing stuff on the Mars Rover's windshield. Last time they wrote the exact arrival times of the 3 craft. Again, NASA censored all the pictures. They just got back from giving the Face on Mars a mustache. NASA will explain it away as all copies of the pictures being lost.

Things are going to get 'interesting' with the 3 ships because the Martians are irrepressible. They'll feed false data to the Dubai craft, indicating the climate is just like Los Angeles, except Mondays, when it's 400 degrees FarenKelvin. It will indicate there's a pre-built landing site to the other craft. NASA will then spend $40 billion building a landing site, because there's no life on Mars. The aliens will also get to the landers, writing "Zardok was here" in the dirt, and flattening a tire or 2 on the Rover. One favorite trick is moving the Rover 300 miles away overnight. NASA is flummoxed because the Rover has lasted 3 years, but they don't know the aliens put in a zero-point battery, which will run forever. They also reversed the left and right commands. Xrzis' picnic really got ruined that time. NASA said some dirt got in the camera and just happened to arrange itself in the pattern of aliens having a picnic. Nothing to see here.

• 100 car pileup in DFW, 5 dead, people trapped in cars
• 6:30am, no one has seen nor heard about slick and frozen roads. Some houses don't have heaters. "We Are the World, Frozen" telethon to raise money for winter coats. Bands appearing virtually. President mad because no one in the 100 crashed cars was wearing a mask or socially distanced. 

One of the greatest inventions was the auto-off iron. Although smart people stopped ironing a long time ago, the spirit of the invention was world-changing. You no longer had to remember to turn it off, nor did you have to drive back home to see if you did (several times). This opened the floodgates for similar inventions.

I would like a truly smart tv: if Wife isn't in the room for 5 seconds, it mutes all audio. If it gets to a minute, the tv shuts off. We had a chat about this, because the VOLUME of it gets into my office (and planes flying overhead), so I asked that it be muted when she walked out of the room. As a result, it is never muted. When she leaves the house, it isn't muted. Do you have any idea the animal cruelty charges there are for leaving them with a tv tuned to Wendy? Morning tv? Judge Judy?

Hmmm... how about an auto-up window feature for the car? Sometimes I look out, as it's raining, and the windows are down. "But I need the breeze." Not when you're in the house, Dear. It could be part of an Auto-Normalizer: when the engine shuts off, the windows come up, the stereo gets turned down to merely painful, and the turn signal turns off. If I'm not fully awake, I am after turning on the car.. the radio shakes the neighborhood, I'm freezing, and the turn signal makes its click clock noise. I'd pay extra for a device that vaults empty drink containers into a trash receptacle to be named later.

Know how they say you marry one of your parents? I think my poor wife married her father. Before you feel sorry for her, every other lamp in the house is on. I walk around saying, "Turn the light out." The next day is the same thing. She must have tortured her poor parents. I am told that if she did not go up the steps in a ladylike manner, she had to come back down and do it again. Being who she is, she STAMPED down the steps and STOMPED back up. Then did it again. And again, until the parents got sick of making her do it. You have to admire that. Just 1 of the reasons I married her.  So automatic lights already exist.

Automatic stove: not for my wife, but for my mother, who isn't allowed to use it anymore.   :(

We have gone through 27 kettles this year already, because they keep whistling when she goes to the bathroom. When this happens, she has taken to shooting them. I don't mind gunshots - they keep the neighbors polite, but isn't it a reasonable assumption that when you turn the burner on, it's going to whistle shortly? Maybe go to the bathroom while you're waiting for your mug to cool...

We need a gadget for this, but I'm just not sure what kind. Auto burner off after whistle?

Alarm clock technology has not kept up with the times. People set 3 alarms and either sleep through them or turn all 3 off without realizing it. I'm thinking of a less sophisticated model, using a flyswatter. BEEP BEEP BEEP SWAT. That is an alarm you're not going to sleep through or shut off without remembering it. There are no long-term injuries, and you'll have a lovely imprint on your face (or somewhere) for a few minutes. Anyone else in the house will die laughing, and the embarrassment will keep you awake until coffee.

Possibly at the top of my list would be a personal phone silencer. All calls, bleeps, bloops, messages, email, and any other stupid sound the phone can possibly make will go silent the moment the phone owner is out of the room. Of course this means the owner won't hear the phone ringing, but I consider that a non-issue, or collateral damage. I hear someone else's phone way more than she does. In fact, it doesn't make a single blip until she leaves the room, at which point, it does a demonstration of how loud it can go and how many different annoying noises it can possibly make while I'm the only one in the room. I'm not pointing fingers here - I live with 2 women, so use your imagination... one has 4 legs, the other 2. The feature will be automatic, for obvious reasons. 

Why bother listing these all individually - I'll take an auto-off house.

Better yet, an auto-off life.