Your love is like rat cobbler
The news is on all channels - PANIC!
The snow and ice is having its way with the country. The odd part is that it's having its way with parts of the country that don't traditionally see snow, like Louisiana and Texas. The top half of the country is about to strike a deal to send heavy winter coats to Louisiana in trade for frozen gumbo. The deal holds for Texas, but frozen steak and barbecue. Both are being brokered by Donald Trump, who finds himself bored these days. Lowes is sending air conditioners, plants that grow in the cold, and tiki torches. Barnes & Noble is sending books on how to talk northern. The Salvation Army sent their trucks, but turned them back around when they realized it was slippery down there. Mardi Gras was canceled, which probably turned out to be a good idea. It's going to be very difficult to give women beads for breasts if it's 20 degrees and snowing. Of course, this depends on the amount of alcohol, as most things do...
The Hudson River was so full of ice, airplanes couldn't land. The Northeastern states held parties where they got (more) drunk and laughed (more) at everything south of New York.
Texas has rolling power blackouts. This is usually reserved for California, and provides great entertainment during wildfires the size of New Jersey. California is just happy to point its finger at someone else for an entry into the Weird Olympics. I hear the blackouts may continue for days.
It's so bad in Texas...
- cattle can't walk into a bar and order a beer
- The 10 gallon hats have been restricted to 5 gallons, and only during the day
- somebody had to tell George Bush it's cold outside
- the unofficial state motto changed to "Everything's Colder in Texas"
- people had to bring their guns inside - have you ever seen anything sadder than an empty gun rack on a pickup truck?
- bull horns on the front of Cadillacs went inside
Texas got more snow than the entire state of PA, except for the Pocono Mountains, which gets 24" daily.
Meanwhile, here, our V-Day plans went right down the old pooper. 3 days of crap that one shouldn't drive on. We had an Ice Advisory. Then an Ice Warning. We never actually had ice, but also never went out to test the forecast. Large Breasted Weather Ladies all over the country had more air time than ever. It's a particularly good time to catch one. In fact, you can change channels and see many! One Small Breasted Weather Lady did not take the easy way out and just made her hair bigger.
The only positive was that I didn't have to repeatedly scrape stuff off the car or shovel the drive. Still no flamethrowers for rent. Since I have a habit of going down on my butt when there's ice, I'm staying inside. The neighbors used to sit around, waiting for me to come out. Even if there was no ice, they'd throw water on my steps. We have an interesting relationship. And I have a black and blue ass. Sadly, this is not an aphrodisiac, but it keeps the neighbors entertained.
- There is a 1979 biography on Pythagoras.
- are we supposed to believe the sources? did he talk to the subject himself? did he talk to friends and contemporaries? how does one really know Pythagoras?
President Trump has been acquitted on his 2nd impeachment. Upset but realistic, the democrats are beginning work on the 3rd impeachment. When asked about the grounds for impeachment, a spokesperson said, "I don't know, we'll drum something up."
It's 2050. All of the politicians we know have passed (except Nancy Pelosi's head). The New Democrats have an announcement:
D: We're pursuing impeachment against 2020's President Donald Trump
R: You're kidding, right?
D: Dead serious
R: Why on Earth?
D: Back when we were the Democrats, we only got to impeach him twice. Now that he's dead, we figured we'd give it another go.
R: What could you possibly hope to get out of this?
D: $$$$ and moral superiority
R: You already have moral superiority
D: Touche. More moral superiority. And we hate him.
R: It's been 30 years. Why?
D: We don't like him
R: Yes, you've made that plain since 2015
D: Can you keep a secret?
R: We're politicians - you tell me
D: We're afraid he'll come back
R: from the dead?
D: from the dead
R: and what are the odds of this happening? Don't forget - coming back from the dead is a republican thing, what with Jesus and all...
D: The thing is... he was so evil... we're afraid he figured out a way
R: Look, I can pretty much assure you he ain't coming back. People just don't. Our lord and savior aside.
D: You don't think he could pull it off?
R: Nope. Maybe it's a reflex
D: we did tend to get a bit... excited.. when someone mentioned his name
R: Barron Trump
D: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh
R: I just wanted to see if it was still true
- and when I get famous, I'll have the chance to wear all sorts of stuff I don't normally wear onstage. Like a medium-weight jacket. A wool cap. Perhaps a wool cap with bluetooth monitoring. At the rate these Really Hip Performers are going, it's only a matter of time til snowsuits.
- do you have any idea how much heat the body and spotlights generate? There's probably an ambulance waiting backstage for overheating.
- But at least they look hip.
Today the president took one of those tests where you put shapes into holes. Later on, he took one of those tests where you put shapes into holes. He watched The Bachelor, and asked his staff if one of the bachelorettes had children.
President Biden has expressed a preference for a fire built in the Oval Office fireplace, and sometimes adds a log himself to keep it going. @CNN
CNN's playing hardball. I knew they wouldn't let up when Trump left.
You have to say at least one good thing about Biden: he's bringing in a culture of napping. Who doesn't love to nap?
- RIP Rush Limbaugh (70)-cancer. Not my speed but you have to admit he had an influence.
Today I identify as a nurse. Finally, somebody who does some good. It's a real shame I pass out at the sight of blood.
- My package is out for delivery. Yesterday.
- I continue to be amazed by the physics of package delivery
Even though restrictions on dining out have loosened, the World Health Organization has been rubbing its hands in an evil manner, because there are at least 7 new variants of the Flying AIDS. The new variants can be used to suck out even more international dollars and be used as an excuse to put everybody back in their houses when the WHO makes its next 'discovery.' Of course viruses all make variants, but they're waiting to spring this on the public, which believes everything it's told. Until then - wear an odd number of masks, starting at 3.
Even Idiot Mayor in Philly has loosened the strings on dining. The restaurants know this, but not what the restrictions are. One place built glass-enclosed booths outside, for outside dining (that's virtually indistinguishable from indoor dining, except you're in a glass booth). Others are thinking of stacking vertically, but this will violate some city law that hasn't been written yet. No longer having the Flying AIDS restrictions to bother with, Idiot Mayor is working on a way to tax it. It's for the children. Think I'm kidding? A $450 million budget shortfall was just announced.
- Dubai's Princess Latifa was jailed in 2018 by her father, but escaped to the US and is hiding under the pseudonym Queen Latifah. So far, no one is the wiser.
FLYING AIDS
Pfizer's vaccine appears to reduce transmission
Which we'd know if it went through normal trials
Different types of different science. On different days. $400,000 salary +$1m.
"Breaches the right to free movement." Government is having a FIT.
Yes, America is Freedom. Even if other countries are more free.
Bill Gates has a master plan for battling climate change.
This is a renaissance man. Climate change, bad operating systems, virology, population thinning, this man does it all. He needs his own little island, where he can do the Mengele thing all by himself. Better yet, his own planet.
Why are thousands of National Guard troops still in DC?
Carrying life saving drugs and plasma to Congress? Some of them folks is already dead.
STOP THE PRESSES - CALL THE KARDASHIANS - INTERRUPT THE MASKED FURRY!
Harry and Meghan to be interviewed by Oprah.
We are a nation of morons. England has its fascination with royalty - can't we be satisfied with Oprah, the Kardashians, and the masked furry?
People are bagging on influencer culture.
They have no further to look than ThermionicEmissions. We have influenced no one at any time. We are delightfully our own blog, with our own spin on life. We are not influenced either - by anyone. We are not fashionable, we are not attractive, we say nothing because we should. We are not politically correct, we like boobies and stories about boobies, and we use words that will keep us out of 'polite society.' [I need to put that in the blog's description]
Unfortunately, people have to watch out for the loud anti-influencers. After a short time, the anti-influencers start acting like the influencers, and it's time for a new war. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
So I guess ThermionicEmissions will stay the unofficial anti-influencer of the planet (and off-planet, when possible). I mean, can you imagine if this blog became influential? Do you really want to live in a world like that?
When the US lands on Mars, its helicopter, Ingenuity, will fly around, or at least try. Unfortunately it will not repeat the Rover's successes. The helo, created by an international team, will not make it long because the US refused to measure in metric and the other countries refused to measure in Standard. All of the parts appeared to fit, but will fall apart catastrophically in the air. This will be moot when Ingenuity discovers there is no air.
The Martians will also have none of this. They will shoot pocket keychain lasers at it, knocking it out of the sky. They will do this from the Mars Rover, which they rover-jacked the week it landed.
- Exploitation of metallic fragment from unidentified flying object, 4 May 1966
- The Black Vault brings us a CIA document detailing examination of this object, obtained via Freedom of Information Act.
If your morning wasn't ..... in perspective... enough, here's an adjustment: a fundraising commercial for a nursing service for end-of-life patients.
SJW SPUTUM
Woke teachers want Shakespeare removed from curriculum - "this is about white supremacy"
I know we will look back on this time and scratch our heads. History will look back on this time and ask WTF? It's like a theocracy, but tilted on its head and speaking out its ass.
Uncle Sam is also another old white guy....
Recently heard, not so sure....
No, Kanye and Beyonce will not go on Mt. Rushmore. Washington and Lincoln will not be replaced on currency. We will not swear on a bible and say "so help me, Roger Murdock." When having sex, we will not be required to yell "oh my Kobe." When we sneeze, no RUN DMC, and Giza was not built by Iced Tea, Ice Cube, or Iced Latte. Asians will not identify as black, nor will frogs.
We miss Mark Twain now more than ever.
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