Your love is like electing a House speaker
You can now order drone delivery from Walmart, provided you live within 1 mile of a participating store.
And miss all those interestingly-dressed customers in the world's greatest sociology experiment? No way, buddy.
Today I identify as a Tesla, in which the auto-drive works. (just kidding, there is no such thing)
To the people stopping by from other countries: Thanks. To the people stopping by from the US: Thanks.
Today's best pr0n title: Slut Inspection
Porsche Lynn!
YES SIR!
Where are your implants?
HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY YET, SIR
What kind of a slut doesn't have boob implants?
A BAD SLUT, SIR
You know what happens to bad sluts.
YESSIR. THEY GET PUNISHED. PUNISH ME, SIR!
And furthermore, you were atrocious in Sisters Love Their Stepmoms. You were far from authentic.
SIR, I'M NOT A RUG-FACE. I DON'T LIKE P*SSY..
What kind of a slut doesn't like p*ssy? Go to the back of the line.
Angel Haze!
YES SIR!
You make enough to get first class implants. Your nipples look out in different directions.
I WILL CORRECT THAT SIR, WHEN I GET BIGGER ONES
Very good. Now, I see you have very little acne.
YES SIR.
Haze, acne indicates drug use. You have precious little of it. Think of your fans...
SORRY, SIR.
Don't be sorry - get on the ball! The 8 ball.
YES SIR
Mercedes Porsche!
YESSIR!
Look at you. It's a jungle down there.
I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY LATELY.
What kind of excuse is that? You're a big star and you look like you time traveled to the 1970s.
SORRY SIR. I WILL DO BETTER.
I also understand you've only been with 47 guys this month.
[hangs head] YES SIR.
What kind of a slut is with only 47 guys?
Ladies, you have 7 days to fix this shit and look like proper sluts. You signed an oath!
Yes SIR!
Prediction: not in the states with the rabid religionoids in office
So we know my laptop came back from service ostensibly working, then the keyboard and some other stuff failed. We know that this stuff is waaay above my pay grade. I can usually fix stuff, but this is way down into the operating system, possibly past the driver level. Ever see those huge Microsoft ergonomic keyboards? I had to keep one connected to the laptop so I could type over the weekend. I just didn't have it in me to mess around with the laptop further. I always said I wanted a laptop with an ergo keyboard, and the universe apparently responded. Perhaps I should have been more specific.
However, I did not ask for car trouble, or even anything that looked like car trouble. There was no possible misunderstanding. Ya know that sound... it's like when you have few bodies in the trunk and they're rolling around, banging into the trunk sides and lid? It sounded like that. It turns out it wasn't the bodies - it was the struts. Or it was the struts and the bodies; our garage only deals with the mechanical side of noises. Why do all of the mechanic's calls start with "Are you sitting down?"
The Dark Spirits or poltergeists are in hysterics. Next week, I'm having a few guests: an exorcist, some faith healers, a televangelist (who will lay hands on the front door), a gypsy, a satanist rabbi, and this Haitian dude, complete with dead chickens. Somebody from the Unitarian church, who may or may not believe in spirits, and some Baptists, who will sing and dance at or in the house. If any of this fails, we're summoning Pope John Paul George and Ringo.
UPDATE: I spent an hour last night, trying to repair my errant laptop. I was in uncharted territory. I had absolutely no idea where I was going.... I was deep into the Matrix, without tight, shiny clothes. I am not intimidated at all, which most people call Stupid. In the end, I failed to succeed. It is one of my more endearing traits. At the end of an unproductive, murderously annoying day, I sat and read something. As I'm nearing the end, the entire laptop goes POOF and shuts down. No, it wasn't me. There was no power because someone had knocked out the power plug and didn't notice it (that would be me, and there was nobody around to blame it on). I decided to take this quietly and only woke up half the neighborhood, at 1am.
This morning, I stumbled into the office, somehow managed not to knock anything to the ground (like yesterday, when I sent a 24" monitor flying at the ground) and plugged everything in. And without so much as a POOF, the keyboard worked. Perhaps threatening to have the exorcists and the pope by threw a monkey wrench into the plans of the Dark Spirits and a few of them packed their ethereal bags and moved out. Perhaps its my new not-showering thing. Or they're tired of hearing the dog bark at them (other dogs attack or run away - mine stands there BARKING until we do something). So I'm not going to look a gift whore in the mouth.
Q. How do you guarantee rain?
A1. leave a car window open
A2. move to this area
Geez, who coulda seen that coming...
The fact that facial recognition has a lot of trouble with black people is widely known. Yet it's used. Then the guy gets stuck in jail for a week? He was let go and all charges dropped, but he shouldn't have been there in the first place.
14 rounds of voting for House Speaker, 1 Congressman had to be physically restrained
Asshats - the lot of them. How did these idiots get into office? Oops, they were voted in.
The funniest part was someone nominating Trump for Speaker. I love to watch things burn...
We know that only female mosquitoes bite. And certain female spiders eat their mate after sex. We already knew females of any species are smart and highly dangerous.
Chick-fil-A investigates reports of hacked customer accounts
They were hacked on a Sunday, when all their stores were closed.
There are Chik Filet accounts?
Ok, I lamented purchasing slippers because only old people wear slippers, not cool d00ds like me. Unfortunately, some wag gifted me a nose hair trimmer. I'm really stuck here, because as you know, I braid my nose hair and am headed for the 2043 Olympics Nose Hair Games. But if I don't use it, the gifter will be upset. I'll see if Dog wants it.
Instructions say Martians are to fill it up and put it back on the rover for analysis.
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| Now leave, or I shall taunt you a second time |
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