Youth in Asia

Your love is like   pickled Brussels sprouts

Mr. President, what's happening with these Top Secret files at 2 of your places?

Top Secret? They told me I could color with my Top Secret Presidential Crayons. Wow, that was a whopper, wasn't it? What's the name of that memory pill - I forget.

Today I identify as  dust (in the wind)

Chuck E. Cheese still uses floppy disks in 2023, but not for long

Won't it change the flavor of the pizza?

When I die and go to hell, it will be a Check E. Cheese. Screaming children and inedible pizza. They won't even have to change anything.

• Ok, so I was young once. Naturally curious, I wanted to know what Youth in Asia was.
• To this day I get in trouble when I ask about a massive Christian burial.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Why do you always sit on my lap?

Her: Well, the sofa's more comfortable than the floor, and your lap is more comfortable than the sofa. And I have abandonment issues.

Me: I see. Why do you always lock radar on Mommy when she's eating?

Her: She drops stuff and doesn't pay attention. When she gets distracted, it's MINE. When it drops, it's MINE.

Everybody has their famous crush. I have too many. My current one is Julie Grant, of Court TV. She's so sweet, even Mrs. lefty likes her. I'm trying to set things up so when Wife goes to visit people overnight, Julie will be my babysitter. 

Speaking of CourtTV, I walked by myTV and heard a judge saying something about not going over the penis issue. STOP. Reverse. Large banner across the bottom of the screen says "The penis issue." It must be ratings week.

If you're feeling down and think the universe has it in for you, it could be worse; you could have an unexploded grenade in your chest. Poor Ukranian soldier found he had a parasite. He figures maybe he should go to the hospital, for a more informed opinion.

Hi, what seems to be the problem?

Unexploded grenade in my chest.

[yells at someone we can't see] Great. ANOTHER unexploded grenade. Ok, Sir, take a seat.

Ummm.... I have a grenade in my chest. It could go off any minute.

I understand. What you need to understand is that we have 8 chest grenades, 3 rocket propelled grenades, and 2 rectal grenades in front of you. Now if you'll sit over there in the waiting room, we'll get to you as soon as we can. The seats on the left have extra padding - but don't just drop yourself into one. 

[to self] Wow, this healthcare system is even worse than England's.

Sergeant Midviev, the doctor will see you now.

Thank you.

Hmmmm.... what do we have here?

Well, Russians were shooting at me and I seem to have a grenade in my chest. 

Hang on, hang on. You can't just walk in here and tell me you have a grenade in your chest. I went through 17 years of medical school, and I'll make the diagnosis, thank you.  Let's see..... hmmmm.... ahhhhh... oh. Sergeant Midviev, it seems you have an unexploded grenade in your chest. Say, don't you guys have field medics? I think it would be more appropriate to have one of them take care of this. Besides... my bomb-proof operating gown is at the cleaners. Nothing turns patients off like a bloody bomb-proof operating gown.

Doctor, this is above their pay grade.

Are these the same medics who sent me the rectal grenades? Are you sure you don't have a rectal grenade?

Pretty certain, yes. Why don't you try an xray?

Hey hey hey now... do I stand next to you and fire guns at Russians? No? Then don't tell me how to do doctor stuff.  NURSE - get this man a chest xray. Try not to jiggle the gurney or go over any bumps in the floor, ok? After that, get a psych consult. I think he has Explosive Personality Disorder. Sergeant, put this gown on. It has no back, and very little front. You can only wear these in the hospital. If you wear this near a school, you'll go to jail, which will make you long for a mere unexploded grenade in your chest.

lefty's tips for the day 

• Do not point anything at the police. In fact, do not carry anything that you can point at the police - let's say nothing smaller than a car. If you're black, stay inside. This does not mean your door won't be broken down because someone can't read a warrant and they're in the wrong house; but if this happens, do not point so much as a spoon at them. Also, put your body over the dog. They shoot dogs. 

• If you have an urge for a 'deal' on a 16TB SSD, stop right now. There are a bunch on Amazon, with a ton of fake reviews. They've been tested to be 64GB microSD cards and some code that fools the computer into thinking it's 16TB. Amazon doesn't seem to care about the fake reviews.

It was late. I was tired and hungry. My patience, such as it was, was already in the negative numbers. So obviously, there was nothing to do but go to Walmart. I don't go to that place for many reasons, among them facial recognition, surveillance everywhere including the parking lot, and their steadfast refusal to hire cashiers. I haven't been there in a while, so I was surprised to see all the other businesses inside.. it was like its own city. Creepy surveillance city. With poorly-dressed (if dressed) customers. We had only gone for one errand, so I naturally headed for the car once it was over. Hahaha. very funny. Wife wanted to shop. This was not good. My back was already starting to complain, using short, very nasty words. I had to work hard to keep those words inside. It was then I noticed, after all these years, that Wife does not just shop. Wife runs a narrative.

Do you need any of these?

[a kind, fair question]

No.

[a succinct answer, not inviting further discussion, so we can MOVE ON to the next item]

I was thinking of getting some for my mom, who always complains she can't find them but maybe I'll wait til I go to CostCo. Yeah, Mom uses them a lot. My sister uses a lot of them too, but she lives kinda far away and has her own stores at which she can shop. Do you know what you want for dinner?

Look up. Do you see that huge display and sign "You're being watched"? This really annoys me. The condoms are locked behind glass, as is the shaving cream. My back is really starting to hurt. Can you just........ SHOP? I don't want to be rude, but this will all be over much faster if you shop with your hands and not your mouth. Not being stupid, I said this from the next row over.

Walmart also subscribes to lefty's Rules of Shopping: if I want it, they don't have it. Is Raisin Bran so incredibly popular they can't keep it in stock? Supply chain issues? Oh wait - here it is! Oops, that's Raisin Bran crunch. What kinda crap is this? If I wanted my Raisin Bran crunchy, I'd throw some potato chips in it. Whose brilliant idea was this. Wait - I think I see a box of real Raisin Bran in the back, behind the 40 cases of Crunch. I'm overdue for a box of Chocolate Frosted Flakes - nope. I knew not to bother trying to find Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows from Lucky Charms. Or perhaps that particular variety only lasted the 2 weeks I bought it. It was damn fine cereal. Certainly better than Deep Fried Chocolate Sugar Bits, my usual breakfast.

My back is getting worse by this time. I'm emitting sighs and moans, mostly of the unintentional variety. I attempted to make my point known a little better: "GODAMMIT, can we get out of this hell hole? If we don't leave soon, I'll have to go out on a stretcher." I didn't succeed in shopping faster, but it kept the narrative down to 5 minutes per aisle.

Then, the worst happened. We had to check out.

I hadn't seen their new setup. They took the 37 checkout aisles, left 2 checkers, and installed 123 self-checkout machines. I guess the Walton family couldn't afford to pay the humans. I refuse to use self-check; it's time consuming, broken, and I'd rather see a human (or whatever they hire to run the registers). Since there were exactly 2 checker lanes, both were backed up 27 people. I still would've waited, but Wife gave up and went to self-check. By the end, there was a stack of things the machine would not recognize. We left them there. I was already in the car, praying for ibuprofen, soda, or the sweet relief of death. 

So yeah, it wasn't a good night to go to Walmart, as if there were such a thing. Wife, being a bright lady, made a Command Decision: whenever there is shopping to be done, make sure I'm on the couch, with a beverage and snacks, laptop plugged in. If she's lucky, I won't even notice she's gone. She can then shop unmolested. She can carry on a complete conversation with the canned vegetables and they won't utter a word of complaint. On the bright side, it keeps other shoppers from interacting with her in any way. Sometimes, just to torture me, she calls while she's shopping, claiming she's calling to see if I need anything. The truth is that she just runs the narrative on the phone, so I still get stuck with it. Thank goodness phones have a speaker function, so I can put it down somewhere and do important stuff. I don't have to say much... just wait for any pauses and say "Um hmm. Great. Thanks." until she hangs up. It's a very subtle form of torture that even the United Nations won't talk about. 

I tried. Really. I behaved pretty well (for me) for the first hour or two. I just forgot that picking up 'a few things' usually takes hours and requires a front-end loader rental from U-Haul. 

Tesla staged 2016 self-driving demo, says senior Autopilot engineer

I like, or at least appreciate Musk. I don't know if he has psych issues, but I know I couldn't release a car that could kill people. The video was heavily edited. Once again: Not Ready for Prime Time. And like most of what I type, nobody listens. And now, back to The Cloud.

The UK wants to jail executives of companies who fail to protect kids online.

On its face, it looks good. You can pass any law you want if you say "It's for the children." One layer deeper, it becomes ridiculous. They go far out of their way to Nanny their citizens. Watching children is the job of the parents, not the state. We're big boys and girls. Nobody - NOBODY should censor the net. I'm sure the UK has a KILL switch for the net. I know the US does. If our friends in DC decide you don't need to know anything in an 'emergency', they hit the switch.

 On the other hand, it would be hilarious to see Lord Zuck hauled off to prison.

While we're on the UK's Nanny State, let's go to Canada!

In Canada, it should be Dry January all year round, according to new national recommendations that say zero alcohol is the only risk-free approach..

 Ok, they're technically correct and it's only a recommendation, but look how well it's working in the US. They claim any alcohol at all is bad for your health. I remember hearing that wine has (tanins?) something that's really good for you. Fortunately I don't live in Canada. I live in the good old USA, where alcohol, tobacco, and Big Pharma run things.