Your love is like New Years resolutions
US head coach Gregg Berhalter is under investigation by US Soccer after admitting to kicking his wife when they were teenagers.
BURN HIM - he's a WITCH!
US Soccer has also discovered that Berhalter used derogatory names for women and cursed when he was in first grade. In kindergarten, he snotted on other students and picked on the fat kid. In 2nd grade, Berhalter chewed his nails and didn't always wash first. There were days he didn't even comb his hair. When he was 16, he once talked back to his parents and referred to his least favorite aunt as Aunt Doodybreath. He told his friends he got to 2nd base with some girl, but not that he had to wash his underwear afterwards. Just wait til US Soccer hears he called someone a faggot in 5th grade... he will be canceled forever.
Today I identify as a man in the body of a woman who wants to become a man
When I started playing guitar, I was young and very impressionable. I had all the standard heroes, like Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Page, and Eric Clapton (and Bachman Turner Overweight). Hendrix smoked (cigs) like a chimney... whenever he wasn't onstage, there was a ciggie in his incredibly large hands. Page and Clapton were another matter: they smoked while playing, sometimes putting their ciggies in the guitar's headstock, creating a burn mark.
My girlfriend, a photographer, put one of those foul things in my mouth and made me play while she snapped. I discovered things.....
- they were even more disgusting than I thought
- no one should take pictures of me - I'm
uglynot photogenic - Let's face it - I'd do anything she asked... she had boobies... 2 of them!
- there was simply no way in hell I had the coordination to play and smoke at the same time. I was lucky I could play and stand at the same time (and that was pushing it).
- I was 16, she was the Older Woman (17). She taught me 'things'.
There was an unbreakable No Smoking rule at my house. When she smoked, she went outside. Within 2 minutes, my mom would call down, asking if somebody was smoking in the house. She smelled this from 2 floors away, through windows. Good thing she couldn't see there too.
As my playing improved (or as I played longer), I noticed something that chilled me to the bone: some guitar players chewed gum while playing. This blew my teenage mind. I knew I would never have that kind of coordination, skill, or mojo. Ever. Even after years of practice, I couldn't pull it off. One of the world's top, most frightening guitarists, Steve Vai (Zappa, David Lee Roth, Whitesnake, solo, the Devil in 'Crossroads' against Ralph Macchio), chewed while he played. How was it possible that a man who could play stuff mere mortals couldn't understand, could chew gum at the same time? It was at this point I knew I wasn't going to be one of the world's greatest guitar players.
Although depressed at the loss of my life's dream, I almost lost it when I saw actresses chewing gum in adult movies. That's coordination the likes of which I've never seen. The analytical part of my brain wanted to know where the gum went when the actresses were using their mouth for other-than-chewing activities. The gum always returned when they were done, and to this day it remains a mystery.
Now I'm older, I play a lot better, and I use a wireless system so I don't trip over my own guitar cord. This frees my legs up to trip over other cords, cymbal stands, mic stands, air, and both of my own left feet.
Deep Thoughts -by lefty
Expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed
A long time ago, before I knew anything (some will say that continues to this day), I decided to pull a Kardashian and put out my own sex tape. I very quickly learned that when a celebrity (or a Kardashian) leaks stars in a sex tape, people are interested. When a random schlub does it, it can have interesting consequences. These were the first reviews:
The video deserved its G-rating. lefty perfectly parodied the celebrity sex videos. You could hear and feel the audience's laughter as he clumsily went about his business. Even the kids 'got it'. This is a sure bet for the entire family. Keep the laughter coming, lefty!
HEY... this was not a parody!
The "lefty tapes" should have been rated XXX-Do Not See. It was vile, sickening, stomach-turning, and vile. First of all, lefty should only be viewed with as many clothes as he can wear. His naked body should come with a warning (from the FDA and CDC). His sexual technique, as it were, lacked.... technique, and he bumbled around like a shy 15 year old in the rear seat of his father's car. The only positive thing we can say is that it's good his father isn't around to see it.
Best book title of the week
Slouching Towards Utopia
Best pr0n titles of the week
Aussie Fellatio Queens, Anal Party Sluts
Aussie Fellatio Queens: when they go down under, they really go Down Under [should I go into advertising?]
Best coffee variety of the week
Ethiopian Super Natural
Actor Jeremy Renner is in the hospital after being run over by his own snow plow
This is some feat. Hopefully the plows have not become sentient and bent on the destruction of the human race....
I'm sure most of the US is relieved that the suspect in the Moscow, Idaho, quadruple murder case has been found and will be extradited from PA to ID. His DNA was found in the house, but that's all that is publicly known at the moment. The details will be unsealed in Idaho. Notable is that the subject was pulled over twice on his way to PA . "Be on the lookout for .... never mind."
There are so many reasons not to buy an electric car...
- your green-ness will be offset by the resources required to generate electricity to charge the car
- never buy the first version(s) of a new car (or much else) - wait til the major bugs have been
crashedworked out - Tesla: do you really want a software-controlled car that the manufacturer can update and control remotely? Where features can be removed remotely?
- a local or federal government told you to
Hey Honey.... about that vacation you wanted to take next year.... are the tickets refundable?
I'm typing this on my just-arrived, just-repaired laptop. Man, there is nothing like having your workhorse back. System76 literally made it look new again (and at that price...). As any woman will tell you, 17" is better than 13", at least in terms of screen size. It seemed huge.
Conversations with my dog
Me: Know what I really like? The way you pay attention to me whenever I speak. Even your mom doesn't.
Her: Making eye contact is an important part of getting more treats.
The Acme Bus Company, the world's largest bus manufacturer, finds it needs to ramp up its output from 1,500 buses per year to 15,000 per year. Orders have not increased; instead the requirement comes from everybody throwing everybody else under the bus. Current buses have been retrofitted with Teflon undercarriages, so it's easier to get out from under the bus and easier to clean if you get stuck there. The 10x output of the factory will cost billions. President Giveaway has stepped right up, by ordering Congress to approve $25 billion for Acme. Of course I'm kidding; Biden never asked Congress - he just gave it to Acme. The money has been diverted from some other minor program (Flying AIDS research), and will be offset by next year's tax on breathing, to affect you and your grandchildren.
Thank God! More hamster pr0n!
G'day, mate. About this ground rushing up to meet us thing....
His body is expected in court next month. Police believe the car was driven off the cliff intentionally. Yes, I have a loud mother-in-law too.
Well, that about kills Christmas this year, doesn't it?
Perhaps we can just have one wise man....
The most widely used car battery technology is lithium ion. There is a new type called LFP (Little Frickin Posts?). One of the advantages is that it doesn't explode. This is a technology that Tesla will not be using. Even if they did, other amusing stuff would happen.
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