Your love is like the sport that's sweeping the nation - Kidney Toss!
A Texas school football coach is on leave after the students were forced to do 400 pushups: some wound up in the hospital. Football is dangerous even before you hit the field. You are warned about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco, but not of sports.
Today I identify as Chuck Norris' rug - it's very securely attached.
A televised British 'football' game got hacked, sorta, and people heard sex noises during the game. Now THIS could actually get me to watch sports. Nah, the game would still occupy the screen,
Netflix is advertising for a flight attendant for its corporate jets. They're willing to pay up to $385,000, mentioning the person must be capable of discretion. To hell with discretion, the person must be capable of concealing a wireless camera. Those flights must be interesting.
- Here's one I never thought I'd see - Radio Shack is back. The site seems a little weird and there aren't as many items, especially parts. But you can buy a mixer that sorta looks like a KitchenAid. There are stores, but spread pretty far apart and I get the impression they're not full Radio Shacks - more multi-brand. If you see one, please let us know.
Why aren't the cold cold really frozen case police working on the Jon Benet Ramsey murder? This is a tragic case and the poor little girl got no justice. I remember evidence tampering, a typewriter, and at least 1 parent who seemed shady. The autopsy showed repeated abuse in her rectum. This points to at least one of the parents (or someone they knew or a group they belonged to). The fact that the investigation failed and stopped is suspicious. Police and the FBI are pretty good at this stuff.
I'm not crazy about children, but this is beyond unacceptable. You don't hurt children. Ever.
The father (the mother is dead) was on tv the other night. Since I was doing something else, I only heard things in the background.
- he sounds frighteningly like Dabney Coleman
- he blames the police and others for dropping the ball. He cites the firing of the police chief, among other things.
Speaking of the Flying AIDS, since it's on the wane, the Superbowl parties are back!
Coworkers tell me nobody really watches the game - just commercials and the halftime show.
Ah, yes, I remember... drunken contests for who can eat the most wings with vinegar hot sauce. And a bunch of alleged musicians, miming their greatest hit(s). I have no idea how I managed to stay away all my life.
A friend invites me to his parties, a Wife drags me to them. Knowing me, he has to email me an invite, because I'm not on Faceyspaces. Some people treat me really well. Or one could say they manage to tolerate my peculiarities transparently. It's pretty funny because I'm the Anti-sports: I don't like any of them. Being an introvert, I'm not crazy about parties either, so I make sure the phone is loaded up with things to do. I know some of his neighbors better than I know some of my neighbors.
Drinking is another favorite activity at these parties. The host is a wonderful soul, who makes sure there's always Coke for me, because the 90 other people are drinking beer or DIET Coke. Ack. Diet soda. Diet soda is proof that God hates you, and because of the artificial sweeteners, he'll see you much sooner.
Q. What's the only thing worse than Pepsi?
A. Diet Pepsi
Q. What's the only thing worse than Diet Coke
A. Diet Pepsi
Q. What's the only thing worse than Diet Pepsi?
A1. Nothing
A2. a new hit rap tune, played on a TOP HITS station. Every 15 minutes.
A3. paying 10% to 25% more for a left handed guitar
I'm kidding. I'd still rather pay 25% more for a lefty guitar than drink Diet Pepsi.
Hey, I understand if you have diabetes. I'm glad you have something to drink. But if you tell me there's little to no difference in taste, I will rip out your pancreas and beat you with it. I can tell if there is artificial sweetener in anything, no matter how little. I can tell if somebody walked past soda with a packet of artificial sweetener.
They. Don't. Taste. Right. None of them. Even the latest, Truvia, from the Stevia Ray Vaughan plant. Look, I've never seen a plant that grows artificial sweetener. If it did, they'd call it natural. Wait - they already do. Nothing natural tastes like that. I will admit it's the least horrid of the artificial sweeteners, but that's like trying to pick the best way to be executed. "Well, shooting looks painful, and it's bloody. Electricity is just nasty, especially if they have to do it a few times to get it right. I guess lethal injection is the best. And for my final wish, I want a Diet Pepsi."
[Superbowl commercial] Diet Pepsi and execution - perfect together!
I was minding my own business, which is a bad thing, as this is when Stuff happens. Mrs. lefty accidentally broke her glasses. She's really tough on things (especially me). There are no dainty gold chains, as they wouldn't last 15 seconds. After thinking about this, I must have missed the clues: the welder's helmet, the sledgehammer, and the plastic stuff with the trigger thingies. It's not so much the glasses broke as the glasses don't stand up well to falling or repeatedly being run over by the car.
New prescriptions are always fun. You know you're in for a good time when the doctor takes the measurement, stops, takes the measurement again, frowns, and tried to figure out how to tell you something. Sometimes she offers to sign one of those legally blind forms. They're especially handy for driving. The cops love to see it when they pull you over because the inside light near your mirror doesn't work. The police are a special breed: to be able to tell that light doesn't work when it's off is a real talent. They look at you with a strange expression when you hand them the Blind Certificate.
Glasses are like shoes: ugly never goes out of style. Hundreds of pairs of frames.... nothing that's less than Frightening. I even asked for a set for me.... she laughed. All I said was "I want a pair of Big MFing Aviators." She took me over to the men's section, located in a tiny corner of the store (just like clothing stores), and pulled out a pair. I'm sure you'll agree with me that aviators are roundish/oblong-ish. She pulls out hexagonal. Even the legally blind know that hexagonal isn't oblong(-ish). She was not a dumb bunny. In case you can't picture what I mean, go to any store and look at the Cheap Sunglasses rack. There will be tons of pairs of huge sunglasses with tiny rims. They're everywhere, except in Vision Centers.
But enough about me. Let's talk about my reaction to the women's frames. They might as well rename the place to Ugly Frames, Inc. Of course this wouldn't distinguish them from any other store, but let's go with it for purposes of blogging. Out of hundreds of frames, they all appeared to be variations on square or cat's eye (think 50's, where the ends sweep up, ugh). To confuse people even more, they're hundreds of dollars. Compare the $49.95 frames to the $300 frames. They're the same material. It must be the lable. Apparently Jenny McCarthy has a frames line. I was assured that, no, they do not come with a set of implants. The Sophia Lorens don't make you look beautiful (like **** makeup), and the Shaq frames don't make you rich and use your name to shill anything at all. So with 3 different same-shaped frames, there are 3 different but equally shocking prices. She tried every one of them. It was good practice for me, coming up with different ways of saying "God, they're ugly."
- Well, you have to wear them, not me
- Maybe that color is a little over the top
- Try again
- I think they don't fit your face well
- They don't go with your skin tone
- ACK. Oh, I'm sorry. I was shocked there for a minute
- [backing away slowly]
- I have to be honest: I wouldn't put them on a hedgehog, no less you
There was a pair of turquoise frames. They were so hideous, she almost bought them. She likes to make an entrance, and those certainly would. Then she looked at some more muted shades of Ugly. I was getting tired of the show. I think the saleslady was too, because she came over and said she'd give us a woman's impression. She was dead on too. She picked a few hideous frames that went with Wife's skin tone. As the paperwork was being done, she mentioned all the frames she had. She was a Frame Whore<tm>. She had frames more expensive than some of my guitars. I sat there, open-mouthed, as I've never met a Frame Whore<tm>. In fact I've never heard of a Frame Whore<tm>. I mean good for her - it wasn't my business if she had a collection of designer excrement. Although it would be a great story.
They had to put on extra nose padding so the glasses wouldn't slip because the lenses weigh 10 pounds each. Have I mentioned her vision is horrible? She ordered the scratch-proof lenses, as well as the welding torch-proof frames. This is not protection so much as a challenge for her. If a welding torch won't 'accidentally' break them, she'll find something that will. It's good she has a hobby... it's not safe if she doesn't have a hobby. Actually it's not safe when she DOES have a hobby. They put a rush on the lenses, so they should be back in about 4 weeks. And now I have to scour every vision place in a 25 mile radius for some Big MFing Aviators.
 |
| aviators - is it that difficult? |
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| cat's eye - missing gaudy little diamonds up top |
I just discovered I can't tell the difference between a wrinkle and a 'pull' on pants.
It was after I got over the shock of Wife asking me if she looked presentable. This is a question that I've never heard in my life. Asking me if you look presentable is like asking a drunk in an alley if you look sober. I told her she didn't look right because her pants were wrinkled. She told me that was ok - they're supposed to be there - they're called a pull. "Oh. Then you look fine." [phew... I escaped certain death]. Once every few years, I ask her if I look ok. She gets That Look and says I haven't changed since high school. A t-shirt is a t-shirt, unless I picked it up from the hamper and it's as wrinkled as the 118 year old lady who just died. So she'll tell me the shirt is too wrinkled and I'll tell her it's not a wrinkle, it's a pull.
Best medicine for curing depression and anxiety? Kindness, study suggests
we're fscked
At least this time they're announcing it, unlike when it first happened.
That's not ransomware, that's doing something good for America.
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