Just Quit While You're Behind

Your love is like   juggling scalpels

Nancy Pelosi reportedly summons priests to exorcise home of evil spirits

Then where will she live?

Today I identify as  both sexes - now I can finally go fsck myself

Priest says he went to Hell, wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy

He had a Near Death Experience. But instead of seeing deceased family, he went to hell. What does that tell you?

  Maybe there IS a place for priests in the afterlife.  

When Students Change Gender Identity, and Parents Don’t Know

We have seen a lot of abdication of responsibility on the part of parents, to 'teach their children well.' They prefer to give it over to the Nanny State.  It seems to have backfired, after 15 year old Roseann started calling herself Johnny (names have been changed for no reason at all). The school ate it up, the teachers all called her Johnny, and Roseann/Johnny get to use the boys' room. The only small problem was that Johnny 'forgot' to tell his parents. 

Those must be some parents. Perhaps they didn't notice the huge bulge in her pants (her vibrator is there so she gets used to having a penis), and the breasts that weren't as bouncy or evident as last year. They didn't even notice the cursing at them, the expanded use of the middle finger, and the new phrase "Blow me." The one item of relief is that due to her looking longingly at women, they now know she isn't a lesbian. This is a double positive: in Southern California (where else?) it's much more fashionable to have a transgendered child than a lesbian. Lesbian children are so 2010s.

\

Conversations with my dog 

Me: when you go outside, why do you bark at other dogs?

Her: to protect you.

Me: from what? Them barking at me? They're not going to attack me.

Her: how do you know? 

---------------------------------------- 

Me: why do you keep barking at them after they stop?

Her: I have to have the last bark.

If you are a Twitter user and you prefer non-Twitter programs to get access, you're already screwed, or you will be soon. I don't know where the order came from (guess) but it was claimed that 3rd party apps were violating terms of service (the terms of service were so secret. they wouldn't say what they were). Finally the developer agreement was released, which said you cannot connect if your software is intended to reproduce something like Twitter.  So all 3rd party software is NFG. If yours hasn't died yet, it will soon. This is all part of Elon Musk's clever plan to drive everybody away from Twitter.

Bringing cakes into the office is killing your colleagues, says UK food watchdog boss

Our wacky friends in UK government are at it again, this time making it safe to work. Did you know you're killing your coworkers? Can you live with the guilt? How long have you wanted to kill them? Did you think you could do it with a simple cake?

Professor Susan Jebb believes that people cannot rely on their personal willpower alone when society is constantly bombarding us with junk food.

So we, the government, need to step in to protect them from this fatal form of coworker kindness. It would do us no good to tell the potentially dead to keep their fat friggin' hands off the cake, no way. 

Surely you can't be serious: Airbus close to landing fully automated passenger jets

Getting on back of a motorcycle has one small advantage: you'll never see the vehicle that is going to kill you.

Getting in a fully-automated car would be sheer terror, the first 137 times. Especially if you like to drive from the passenger or back seat, using your mouth. "I'd turn on Market Street if I were you." [Silence. No turn].  SLOW DOWN!  [Silence. Not slowing.]   Ok, so it would be fun for the other passengers. But I couldn't just sit there with nothing sitting at the wheel (if there were a wheel at all). It requires more trust than I have in my body. And the bodies of my extended family. And all the illegal aliens.

All you have to do is read the headlines (or this blog) lately for news of how well fully automated cars are doing (good, if you like crashes and death) and how safe they are (very much so, as long as you're not IN the car).  Now.... let's think about PLANES.

Much like cars, you have to take a serious leap of faith, and I'm not so good with faith. You also want to avoid taking a leap from 20,000 feet  (3 grams Canadian). Call me old fashioned, but I really really require a minimum of two people in the cockpit at all times. Any fewer tends to lower my confidence in the integrity of the flight. It would still be safe if there were only 1 in the cockpit. I watched all 21 seasons of Air Crash Investigation and I can fly planes, as well as tell you why they crashed. But I'd rather stay in my tiny little airplane seat and let the professionals take care of the flying. And when I say professionals, I mean male and female meat machines of the human variety. We The People have had waaay too many problems with computers to trust them to fly a plane. I alone have had so many computer issues that my mere presence on the plane would cripple it. Heaven forbid if the plane were run by Windows; you'd have to reboot in mid-air! Or it would insist you're getting an update, so don't use the computer for anything else.

It might be funny, though, to record a tv show around people coming into the cockpit to talk with the captain...

[passenger, sloshed]  Hey.... hey.... you... are you cap... cap..hic... captain? Oh, you don't don't wannnna tawk to me? You too goofer me? Well SHCREW YOU. And YOU. And You.

[little Billy] Hey Captain, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

[crazy shrieking lady] HEY - THERE'S NOBODY FLYING THE PLANE...HEY.... ARE THEY ALL MISSING? ARE WE GOING TO DIE WHEN THE PLANE HITS THE GROUND? DON'T PANIC!

[air marshall] I heard we are being hijacked. THERE you are! [shoots] [over p.a.] Uhh, is there anybody here who knows how to fly a plane? I just shot the auto-pilot.

It pains me to inject reality into my postings, but planes can already pretty much fly themselves and land. But the pilots tell the computer when it's allowed to. Kinda like being married.

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot grows a set of hands, attempts construction work

Fails when it refuses to whistle or harass women walking by.

 The US has given Ukraine billions and billions of dollars in financial and military aid. Recently their president visited the US to ask for more. NATO is now sending aid, meaning Ukraine will get even more US military aid. After NATO's announcement, their president came back to America and asked Congress to please stop. While they appreciate the money, the military aid is getting out of hand. There are now 2.5 Abrams tanks per citizen. Aside from training, the largest problem is having nowhere to park them. The citizens are complaining that they don't fit in a standard parking space. After building a wall of tanks, the military isn't sure what to do with them. They have appealed to Putin for space to park them.

On the bright side, the tanks have 'inadvertently'mowed down all the parking meters in the city, ending the reign of the Ukraine Parking Authority (if you think Putin is evil....).  The tanks have created jobs, because they tear up the streets and somebody has to rebuild them. Independent contractors see a boom in business, widening parking spaces. The Corps of Engineers have been tasked with rebuilding multi-level parking garages, to allow the extra weight of tanks. You haven't lived til you've been crushed by a falling tank. Auto customization is taking off, putting comfortable seats and 5.2 stereo sound in the tanks, as well as custom paint jobs. The army thought it was going to do well, removing the .50 caliber machine guns, rocket launchers, and ICBMs, but Ukranians are keeping them.  The effect on global warming will be swift and severe, with all tanks using diesel fuel. The people are thrilled with their new tanks, and replied "Fsck the climate - we have tanks!" The joke will be on them when they discover the Abrams tanks only get 1.7 mpg.  Then they'll riot in the streets, burning American flags.

I complain about the weather. Often. If you lived here, you would too (unless you were a vampire or a toad).  My weather app wasn't kidding when it told me it would be 3 weeks til we saw sun. We've taken to not bothering to open the curtains. Why watch the gloom? Perhaps I can pay somebody to draw a nice sunny scene on the curtains, so we can pretend we have sun. But its not all the same 246 individual shades of gray; last night it threw us a curveball and sleeted. Today it's shade 237 of gray, with more than adequate rain.   If I didn't have family here.....

Florida, God's waiting room, has just as much humidity, plus hurricanes. So does Texas. It's cold in the northeast and there's a high suicide rate in the northwest because the weather is like here.  Southern California is nice, but we can't live on the planet of California; the governor is not in his right mind, and people had to vote him in, so neither are they. Since our main pizza place changed owners, the pizza sucks, so we're almost ready to move. Damn pizza was like a religion. People came from all around the city (and country) to sample it. Now we're left religionless.... But if you brave the Planet of California and happen to be in Davis at the college, go to Woodstock's Pizza. Try to forget they have a whole wheat pizza.

Being married, there is not a lot of.... 

let me try again

Being married, I don't get...

no, that's not it

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BOOM BOOM IN THE HOUSE. Or out of the house. Of course I'd say that - I'm a guy. So how lucky did I think I was when she walked up to me and pulled her pants down. I thought my entire month was made. 

And then she said....

Then she said...

Does this black and blue mark look better than before?

Don't laugh - now I have to go change my underwear.

Is it safe to play Jeff Beck music now? My mind still plays it all the time, but I haven't listened to it on purpose, outside my mind. The initial shock has worn off; now there's just a hole. Don't you hate it when people 'share their feelings' with you? 

The truly sad part of this, even if you don't know who Jeff Beck is, is that he is one of the originals, from the 1960s. This was the beginning of rock, brought along by the 4 Liverpudlians. 60 years later, the originals are dropping off. Our heroes are in their 70s. I used to joke that we had to get Jeff Beck a security team, to make sure nothing happens to him. They're probably not all that effective against bacterial meningitis. So our favorites are getting up there. And dropping off. You've been watching it for a while. It ain't gonna get any better.