Ironic note to the spineless coward who reported this blog to Google for 'adult content': *
This blog gets almost zero traffic and has all of 6 followers (for which I am grateful). I haven't had a comment in more years than my dog has been alive. While I believe the content speaks for itself, becoming an amateur dentist, with no training, and pulling teeth would be easier than getting even my own family to read the blog.
That said, it has been proven in the record industry that putting a warning label on a record increases sales dramatically. I can't wait for the inrush of new visitors - thanks, Sparky!
* This is not a punishment. When starting a blog, you are asked if you have adult content. I did not flag the blog as such, because I honestly believe I do not have adult content. The 7 dirty words you can't say on tv, maybe, but no adult content. -----Incidentally, the 7 words are shit, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Oops.
Sad news: President Jimmy Carter went into hospice care at his home. For those unaware, hospice is the Last Stop... a matter of days (or less). I have a ton of respect for Carter, non-politically. The man is very religious and walks the walk. He has done great things for people since leaving office. His Carter Foundation has helped many. I'm not exactly religious, but one must respect his deeds. And that accent, which kept comics in business for 4 years. He was a Georgia peanut farmer, and the longest lived president.
Your love is like a rusty nail sandwich
We bid a fond farewell to Raquel Welch (82 - Jo-Raquel Tejada), the butt of half of late night tv jokes in the 1970s. A beautiful woman who did a lot for female actors and latinas. If you can find it, you want to watch Mother, Jugs, and Speed, a tale of an independent ambulance company that also featured Bill Cosby (pre-roofies). That was a funny movie.
Today I identify as an F-22 fighter, desperately trying to shoot down a stationary balloon
It's not that things have been weird since Wife's attempt to break concrete with her head, but the other night she fell out of bed, then asked if my sister got me a Christmas present. Technically no. I don't have a sister.
Waaaay early on the blog, I appreciated auto-off appliances, like irons. You used them, then didn't have to worry about forgetting to turn them off. I have to look this up: an auto-off timer on a light switch. There is one light that never gets turned off. I figure set it up for 5 minutes and I will never have to do my Parents impersonation: SHUT THE DAMN LIGHT OFF. DO YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OUT OF MONEY?
ThermionicAnnouncement
Because of a glut of messages from Blogspot/Google, we have thrown the Adult Switch<tm>.
You are now reading an adult blog. Not that anyone involved is an adult, mind you. In fact, the blog hasn't changed at all.
You mean to tell me there's a show called Married at First Sight?
old joke:
definition of bigamy: one wife too many
definition of monogamy: same thing
Just like pointing and picking? Hey, look at those socks- she's the girl for me! The funny part would be to see the statistics on this method of choosing versus the more traditional way. Divorce is over 50% now, so it might not be much worse.
Don't these people want to know a thing or 2 about their spouse? Small things will totally derail a marriage:
- leaving the seat up (especially on purpose)
- Hawaiian pizza
- never washing dishes
- never washing themself
- hitting on the spouse's entire family, including the dog
- fscking someone else
Against my better judgment, we went food shopping the other night. I just noticed that 'against my better judgment' always involves leaving the sofa (and the house). I now know what I have to (not) do.
Supply Chain Difficulties are a thing of the past. No, things haven't improved any, the store just laughs at the concept and uses it to raise prices. Penny's $14 dog food in now $24. As ridiculous as that is, they don't even have it. If you've been playing along at home for a while, you know about the person who works at the store, whose sole job is following me around to see what I buy, so the store knows what to never stock again. They stopped carrying all the lunchmeat I like. This is not like not having it in stock - this means Never Again. This became a running theme, as we walked down the aisles. Even our local market is beset by the CostCo Effect. This is when the merchandise is moved around every month, so none of the customers know where anything is. While it tends to keep the customers on their feet, some of the customers don't have a lot of feet to spare, if you get my drift.
Those of us who shop at CostCo know we'll find one brand in one size of anything we buy. They will NOT have a selection, which is what your neighborhood store is for. Why then can't I find sweet potato chips, that I buy at CostCo? It's a huge aisle of chips, spanning the entire aisle and carrying every brand you've heard of and a few you haven't. But no sweet potato chips. If you can find any, you need to try them. It's become almost like a religion to me. We have to purchase 2 large bags because I consume both in short order. I felt like I was in the middle of Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch...
Can I help you, Sir?
Yes, I'd like some sweet potato chips.
Sorry, we don't carry them.
Do you mean to tell me that, out of the entire aisle of highly-salted chips, you do not have a single bag of something even CostCo carries?
Correct, Sir. But we''re the finest potato chip retailer in all the country.
Why is that?
Because we're so clean.
Well your store is certainly not contaminated by sweet potato chips, I'll give you that. Still, I note a lot of chips.
Yes, we have potato chips, potato chips cut thicker, potato chips with ridges, different sizes of potato chips, flavors like extra hot, bbq, hot wings, cheese, and beet.
Beet?
Yes, it's quite popular.
Even people who put out beet products let you know they don't taste like beets. Beets are more an acquired taste than beer (or Diet Pepsi).
So I asked where Raisin Bran was, and he took me to the correct aisle. But this isn't Raisin Bran, it's Raisin Bran CRUNCH. He said he was sorry, then I asked why there weren't any raisins in my Raisin Bran these days.
The company needed to hold the price at $10 a box, so they had to make cuts. So the raisins were axed.
Well if it doesn't have any raisins in it, shouldn't it be called something else? Like "Bran" or "The Cereal Formerly Known as Raisin Bran" or at least "Don't Eat This Shit - It's just bran."
If you think our selection of cereal is limited, wait til you get to our soda aisle. It also runs the entire aisle, and features diet versions of every soda we stock, including some we don't stock. There's enough artificial sweetener in that aisle to kill the entire Iraqi army. In fact, the army is thinking of dropping diet soda on Iraq, instead of conventional weapons. Don't worry; it will still be housed in depleted uranium casing.
Do you have that Dr. Larry soda, that tastes like Dr. Pepper?
No Sir. We stopped carrying it when we discovered you like it.
But the store brand saves people 50% over name brands.
Why do you think we stopped carrying it?
You sure do carry a lot of soda.
Yes Sir, finest selection in the neighborhood.
Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by the soda we like. WTF is LuLu's Diet Double Chocolate Soda?
We don't sell much of that, Sir.
Well then... it would free up valuable space for.. I dunno... Dr. Larry.?
Pay attention, Sir. I said we stopped carrying it because you like it. Did you know we have a coworker called Norbert, who follows you around the store, at a distance? Norbert's job is to catalog everything you buy, so the store can stop carrying it ASAP. It's the kind of service we're famous for, all throughout the neighborhood. [moving closer to whisper] I shouldn't tell you this, but if you drive 50 miles, to our closest other store, you'll find half an aisle of sweet potato chips. I'd advise you to purchase as many bags as you can, because their Norbert will see you and that store will stop carrying them too. Norbert is so efficient that sometimes we stop carrying a product you like before you even get to the checkout lane. That's why you always get stopped for price checks. We're ruthlessly efficient.
This means WAR. Ready the diet soda!
Pr0n or Mainstream
This is the blog game where I give you the names of 2 movies or shows and you tell me which is pr0n and which is mainstream. Ready?
- It's an Asian Thing
- NCIS New Jersey
Mysterious Russian satellites are now breaking apart in low-Earth orbit
Russia immediately denied the report and said "Satellites behaving exactly as designed. Why not pick on Chinese 'weather balloons' instead?"
Is Windows 11 spying on you?
Does the pope shit in the woods? Does the NSA spy on you? Does the IRS tax you?
Read and weep. Again, don't use this virus. There are 2 other operating systems that are safer, 1 of which gives up absolutely no information. The spying and mining of your information has gotten to a ridiculous level in Windows. You are merely an advertising target. It's long past time to switch.
What's going on in the Backwards World?
1970s - Man, we should be like Amsterdam, where you can smoke weed AND get prostitutes.
2023 - Man, I don't wanna go to Amsterdam. They banned weed in the prostitute area.
Black Sabbath The Ballet to premiere in Birmingham in September
I guess Black Sabbath The Lollypop Guild was taken. Has Tony Iommi suffered a head injury lately?
Asked for comment, Ozzy Osbourne said, "Well, nobody asskd mzzzzp nnphgh SHARON"
The New York Times Warns That Freedom of Speech 'Threatens Public Health' and 'Democracy Itself'
Yes, you're reading that correctly. We need to cancel the NYT. We're past the point of ridiculous. Press should always be on the side of freedom of speech, or they're at risk. Press packed up and left years and years ago, before the CIA infiltrated it.
Out to eat? Don't do that
I'm typing this on Valentine's Day (hint: BUY FLOWERS), which also happens to be our anniversary. I took the day off work, although I'm not sure why. Oh yeah, I wanted to look all romantic and shit. I even got up early (noon). After basic negotiations, we decided to go out for breakfast. What better breakfast than steak? So off we went, to a large steak chain with a foreign accent, that's right out back. What really confuses me is that they have a lot of food on the Barbie. You can't possibly cut a Barbie with the knives they give you. What's the tie-in? Is there a movie featuring Barbie eating steak? You know it's only a matter of time til we get a live-action Barbie movie, with a black transgendered Jewish lesbian as Barbie.
Shockingly, there were no lines. Whenever we drive by, there are lines, even at 2am. Maybe they're serving Steak ala Opiates. There's a new location we figured we'd try. We've never been to the chain before. We checked some online reviews of the new location and they were not pleasant. They looked a little like growing pains. I called this place first to inquire about the lines. This location has a brand new idea - they welcome psychics. I say this because no one answered the phone, so only a psychic could tell if they were open and crowded.
We got a hero's welcome and even a rose. Well, she got a rose. I got nothing. It's a recurring theme, but that's another matter entirely. Besides.. wtf am I going to do with a flower? I immediately pointed out to Wife that there was a costume party going on at the table next to us, as there was a lady with an outrageous white, long, and frilly outfit. If I didn't know better, I'd say she just got married. And I didn't know better; she just got married. I can't say I've ever been in a wedding dress (no, really, I gave that up years ago) but they look really uncomfortable and the people wearing them agreed with my assessment. But let's face it... any white dress is nothing more than a Ketchup Catcher. In 20 years, she'll pull out her dress and that stain will mean so much to her.
It must have been my fault, because I failed to ask for the No Screaming Children section. So the costume party had a number of 'adorable' little girls, all who are going to grow up to voice the SCREAMS in movies. They were quite advanced for their ages. Of course they were - we were literally 5' away (2 litres Canadian, 120dB Metallica). The waiter was amiable. After taking our order, he amiably started to discuss his main hobby. I'm not really into human interaction (other than the nice lady across from me), so to hear about a waiter's hobby was not the way I wanted to start out my Gastric Adventure. And boy was it an adventure (there's that foreshadowing thing again).
The girly drinks arrived, along with crustaceans on a Barbie appetizer. Things were going well and we wondered about the online review fuss. After a while, we noticed the drinks and the crustaceans had disappeared, most likely into the denizen of the table. The consensus was that the elapsed time was at least 45 minutes since we arrived, and we had waited longer than necessary for food. Mrs. lefty said Waiter was overburdened with the costume party and 2 other tables. I am not an asshole, but this isn't my problem, it's his.
Waiter pops back, stops at the table, and says, "I feel like I should be bringing you some food." I agreed. He looks at the Magic Waiter Tablet and says something like, "xxxx never put the order in." He probably shouldn't have said that, but the honesty was appreciated. He was going to run back and have the kitchen rush the order. Mrs. lefty told me that at this point, she was waiting for the fireworks. Waiter must've been in a serious hurry to rush the order, as he went to the next table for a bit. I asked for the check. He apologized. The proper way to deal with this is to tell us there is no check - it's on them. So we got the check and paid, glad to be out the door, out back.
NOW I know why there are so many negative reviews online.
How to salvage/begin our V-Day Anniversary celebration? I wanted something different from our usual fare because it was a special occasion. i suggested we go to a diner with exciting food, as if there were one. So we went to a diner. Where the service was excellent, we got what we ordered in short order, and the waiter was not vocal about her hobbies. This turned out to be a missed opportunity, as her main hobby is BDSM and she has hundreds of clients and great stories. Unfortunately, for the second time that day, I failed to ask for the No Screaming Children section. As a result, we had them on both sides, in stereo.
Upon hearing about this debacle, my brother suggested I hire a stand-in to walk into the restaurant with Wife, order the food, and we switch back as the food arrives. This way my mere presence will not throw off the service, the accuracy of the order, or the food. That's why he's my brother. I have no idea how my mom raised us without her head exploding.
I suggested we do the sensible thing and stop for a malt, but Wife reminded me that if I go in there, the store might spontaneously combust or run out of ice cream.
This, readers, is The lefty Show. If you don't catch the show, you can read the blog.
Later on The lefty Show, we followed him to the vision store, where he finally located the frames he's been looking for forever. As he went for his exam, the guy at the counter stopped him about his insurance. He couldn't find lefty listed anywhere. Of course he couldn't.
The end of The lefty Show started in bed, at 4am. And no, it was nowhere near as good as you're thinking. I was rudely awakened, no, it was nowhere near as good as you're thinking, at 4am by Mrs. lefty, who either sleeps 15 minutes or 35 hours. "We have to take Dog to the hospital, she's not well." Oh. That's not good.
It's at times like these that you notice people have different ways of dealing with stress. Mrs. lefty has quite a unique way of dealing with stress: she smokes even more and completely forgets normal things, like how to drive, and directions to a place she's been to 45 times. It is most unfortunate when they all occur simultaneously. When one misses the exit for the vet hospital, one is shortly in a different state. One does not simply make a U-turn in this state: one must fire up whatever they fire up to give them driving directions. We experienced the dark, trashy beauty of a city and 4 major highways in order to make a stupid simple U-turn. The state, which I shall not mention, rhymes with blue jersey, a color not worn recently by Philly football fans (more later). You should pretty much avoid driving in blue jersey, as well as being in blue jersey. 30 minutes later, we had successfully made our U-turn, and were back on the road to the vet hospital.
While Mrs. lefty's stress response is smoking and forgetting basic things, like directions, the lefty response is his default: extreme anger. Particularly loud, nasty extreme anger. Anger in which he starts to say things. Things that might be true, but should not be said, at a conversational volume, or at a volume that will let half of blue jersey know he's not happy about something. The long and short of it is that lefty had become the driver, and as soon as the emergency is over, he will do something physically impossible to himself (a few times). As the phone's directions proceed to get us there, they pulled the same amusing stunt as last time: they announced "You are at your destination," in the middle of a 4 lane intersection, with our destination nowhere in sight. Eventually we found the street, and Mrs. lefty's memory returned; "Yes, I remember this street." This was extremely helpful, as I could see the vet hospital's sign. I wonder how many couples get divorced on the way to the vet hospital at 4am.
The hospital had us wait a few hours, not because of treatment; because they feel they have to, plus they need to help justify their fee for simply carrying your pet into the exam room. On the extremely loud way there, I said "Gastritis." As she reappeared from said exam room, the doctor said "Gastritis." Yet I will continue to not receive any sort of remuneration for this accurate diagnosis. We're relieved that this is a minor issue because the last time, she got chemo there. Her spirits returned, thankfully. This is a dog whose tail almost wags in her sleep. It wags at her groomer's shop. She didn't wag her tail or leap on the bed, so we knew something was wrong. Well, that and the large, odiferous brown spots on the carpet. In addition to that good news, we got out of the hospital under $500, which is a new experience for us. The chemo on two dogs bought the doctor a BMW.
I don't know what you call this, but while in the waiting room, we watched the news. They had a feature on an outbreak of dog flu. It was surreal.
When we got home, there was a happy v-day voicemail from my mom. I didn't think she could remember the day or dial the phone (see Dementia page). When I was little, Mom always gave me candy for v-day. I need to enjoy this while I can.
- My best friend is a huge chubby chaser. Is that a pun?
As it was Valentine's Day recently, Wife made use of a new, secret technology. She sent me a happy v-day text, asked me if I received it (yeah, right), and spoke the text out loud. Don't tell the phone companies - they'll want to charge extra for spoken texts.
Why, in 2023, is it impossible for users of some phone carriers to text users with a different carrier? We pay for this (lack of) service. It is not uncommon.
Everybody's favorite self-inflicted punching bag, Elon Musk, is back again, this time talking about a new Twitter CEO by the end of the year. I've been thinking of what he'll do after leaving the position:
- drink so heavily his own accent disappears (there is no indication this hasn't happened yet)
- take a short vacation (to Mars)
- send an individual SCREW YOU to all tweeters as they log on
- find a chick even hotter than Jeff Bezos' girlfriend
- fire some people at Tesla, just for fun
- take what's left of Twitter's manglement and go piss on Faceyspaces' building. Or Lord Zuck personally.
Philadelphia's population during the Superbowl increased by 2,597. Experts finally figured it out: they were the NFL Enforcement Team, in town to make sure there was not a single street vendor selling counterfeit shirts.
The Philadelphia Police said there were 4,000 broken arms and only 5 fatalities. A spokesdrone for the NFL said, "Do not even breathe without the express written permission of the NFL."
It seems perfectly normal to Philly residents, but apparently vandalizing and turning cars and trucks over turns out to be illegal, sporting event or not. I just saw the video.... I can't imagine what's going through their alleged minds. They spray painted on it, one idiot was smashing the rear windshield, and shortly thereafter, they turned it upside down. This was on the Temple University campus, which explains some of it. The back end, however, is sad: the car belonged to a disabled veteran. Three of his young neighbors put together a Go Fund Me and netted the vet around $15,000. It's pretty encouraging that the kids helped the vet out. One of them was heard to say "This is not us. We're better than this." We almost applauded. Two of the animals that caused the damage turned themselves into the police today. The police were ready to tell them to go home- they don't deal with anything that doesn't involve guns, but the press was there.
Speaking of applause, I saw the strangest thing today: at the convenience store, people were holding the doors for others. Even if they had to wait til the others got there. Everybody said thank you. It was like we had been transported back to the 1950s. I was looking around for Michael J. Fox.
In a further tribute to Russian engineering (and stereotypes), the second Russian capsule attached to the International Space Shuttle is also leaking. Asked for comment, S*R#@)(, the Russian space agency, said, "Is not flaw, is design purpose. If air no leak, how you get fresh air flow in capsule, like corrupt Western hospital."
- On odd occasions when a t-shirt won't do, I put on a shirt. My wife puts on a blouse. They sure look alike - why are they called different things?
- Perhaps the National Blouse Marketing Board got 'blouse' put into the lexicon so they could charge more for them.
- Women's blouses have the buttons on the opposite side from men's because they used to have people dress them, so the buttons were correct for a 'dresser.' Strangely, they're also correct for a left handed person. Jimi Hendrix liked them for this reason. Of course it probably wouldn't be a good thing to show up at work in some of the stuff Jimi wore.
Food you might not want to eat (too much of)
For a short time in February, Dunkin has Brownie Batter donuts. They're heart-shaped, with brownie batter stuff inside. They're the best thing Dunkin makes. Trust me.
Oreo has gone insane. Half the cookie aisle is taken up with different flavor Oreos. There's your traditional, the reverse (yellow cookie, white filling), the seasonal white fudge covered (my favorite), a chocolate fudge covered, and the recent mint, peanut butter, oregano, and cardboard flavored. We just discovered Toffee. It's really good. We should weigh enough to go on one of those "I weigh 600 pounds and I feel fabulous" tv shows, but fortunately we aren't that large.
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