Your love is like television stew
'I'm an alcoholic taking regular doses of alcohol'
Ummmm..... isn't it terrible when Methadone fails?
But seriously, the man has a point.
"I'm an alcoholic. Every day I take a dose of alcohol, as prescribed. No more than a pint."
Today I identify as a functional laptop
Well, it's Baby Time in the family, and with Baby Time, also comes Weird Religious Doings Time. Since I wasn't raised Catholic, or any of the multitude of Christian denominations, some of the things that happen are foreign and downright weird to me. But don't get upset; most religions are weird to me, like spending your time in front of the tv, watching reality shows. I have a friend who has been glued to the telly from the first episode of Survivor. People know not to call or talk to her when the show is on. Of course this is rather tempting to me, but I stopped after the first few months.
So there's a Christening coming up. When I think Christening, I see an Important Person swinging a bottle of champagne at a very large ship. This is child abuse. I can't imagine a religion that would tolerate breaking bottles over babies' heads. Even *I* know that their craniums aren't well-formed. Christening should be held up until the child is 18, when their skull is so thick, nothing will penetrate it. I also think children should wait til 18 to choose a religion (or lack of). It's much better than the parents forcing things - many forced things are rebelled against and dropped as soon as possible.
Which brings us to baptism. When I think baptism, I see adults frolicking in the ocean and being shoved under water by some dude in a gown. Why, I ask, do you want to drown babies? This religion stuff confounds me. It also gets me out of attending any of these events, which is a welcome side effect. I'm not sure when I stopped getting invites, but it might have been at the Catholic funeral of a family member. It was my first Catholic funeral, and likely my last. It started with asking why the guy waving about the smoker thing was trying to gas us out of the church. Then I noticed everybody lined up in size order, like Catholic school. We were interrupted getting into the reception by people picking cards up at a small table. "Look," I said, "The new Jesus trading cards! Collect the whole set. I'll trade you a Paul and a Luke for your Mary." Wife, who suffered a Catholic upbringing, wanted to be anywhere but within 27' of me. While that isn't much different today, she admits it was pretty funny. Oddly, my skin does not burn when I go near a church, the way it does when I go near an Apple store.
---Mrs. lefty
Pepsi Bottling Ventures says info-stealing malware swiped sensitive data
Perhaps we can chip in to get them back their recipe for Pepsi, but we'll change it to something that tastes good. It's sheer genius.
Fly By Night Car Loans, how can we help you?
I'd like to pay my bill but I can't get into the website.
Oh, that's terrible. Can I have your social security number, zip code, wife's bra size, and the temperature where we are located?
No.
Ok, have you tried our website?
The one I can't get into, which is why I called today?
Oh.
The error message was "Oops... something went wrong" It was chock full of diagnostic information.
Oh, that's not your fault. That means we're doing something to the site or maintenance, or the web crew is on strike again for better catered lunches and hookers.
I see.
Would you like to try our mobile app?
No thanks, my phone would probably spit it out.
I'm sorry you're having a problem.
Me too. I've tried 2 browsers.
Have you emptied your cache?
It empties itself. Private mode is just like fiber - it all comes out.
Which version of Windows do you use?
None.
Do you have the latest Firefox?
Yes, it's even in Swahili!
Well geez, I'm sorry for your trouble. Are you sure you don't want to use our mobile app? I could change your user name.
How will changing my user name help me get into the site - is it blocked?
No. It's a nice mobile app. Let me keep you on hold between a minute and the end of the day, ok?
Sure. I dig the hold tune. It plays over and over and over and over again. I am going to put down the guitar and take up the sax, so I can properly play the song.
Thank you ......... Ok, I will transfer you over to the payment squad, where you can make a payment.
Bless you.
Hi, my name is Hennifer, like Hennifer Lopez. How can I make your day better?
[I wasn't expecting that] Ummm... how about a blowjob?
I'm sorry, Sir, but we're not in the same state.
Are you sure? What's your home address? Social Security number? Do you have a gag reflex? [now that I have an adult blog, I might as well take advantage of it]
As I said, my name is Hennifer, like Hennifer Lopez, the famous butt. How can I help you with your banking today?
Yeah, they sent me over here to make a payment on the phone.
Oh. Let me send you to Internet Assistance.
I was just there.
No, you were at the other helpdesk, I'm going to switch you to our helpdesk.
Oh, in that case, send me right over [eyes rolling like a slot machine]
Before I send you over, is there anything else I can help you with?
Yes, you could help me make the payment the other helpdesk sent me over here for in the first place.
Uhhhhh.... yes, fabulous. Excellent. What is your account number? At what age did your wife lose her virginity? Ok, we'll schedule that for today.
Thank you, especially as we're on the phone today.
[on hold] Oh, wow... instead of that awesome hold tune, I'm getting commercials for the bank! Maybe I'll put the sax away and look into voiceovers for banking commercials. I have a new life goal. I never thought the Universe would speak to me in this way.
[still on hold] The (*$#ing hold music is so LOUD, but if I turn the phone down, I won't be able to hear the service representative. Maybe I should pick up the guitar again and play really loudly, so they'll get a taste of their own Hold Experience.
[on hold] Are you calling to make a payment? You don't have to wait! Just go to our website and you can pay online!
If you were a real human I'd hurt you.
Hello, I am a technician. My name is Honnifer. Can I have the speed and number of pins in your cpu chip? And how fast is the memory? Not yours, the machine's memory. It's obvious your memory doesn't work anywhere near as fast. ....... Ok, super. How can I help you?
[Strangle your coworkers I spoke to already?] I can't log in.
I want you to clear your cache and cookies.
[exhale] They get cleaned each time I close a tab. The new tab is completely clean. It's like Invisible Mode.
Ohhhhhhhh. Invisible mode. That's the problem.
I'm certain it is. Three of the people I've talked to in the last hour asked me that question and didn't know it was a problem.
Yeah, if you don't have cookies, the site will try to register you as new every time you log in.
That won't be a problem; I can't log in. I want to see if I understand what you're telling me: If I don't keep your cookies forever, the site won't know who I am?
That's correct, Sir.
I know you didn't set the site up and I mean nothing personal when I tell you this is IDIOTIC. Millions of people all over the planet clean out their cookies.
Oh, I'm sorry; I asked if you cleaned out your cookies, when I meant to ask if you cleaned out your cookies. Again, I'm sorry. What was the error message?
Oops, something went wrong. An error overflowing with diagnostic information.
Ohhhh.... the old Oops message. [it was obviously not his first time hearing this]. Ok, I can't help you, but I'm going to make it all better by filling out The Form.
Does The Form fix the Oops message?
No, not really, Sir. I'll send the form over to the Department of Internet Bullshit and Making Things Up. They will have one of their TOP GUYS get on this damn near immediately. They'll diagnose and call you back directly.
Will I need a copy of The Form?
No, Sir, it's very secret and only the Department of Internet Bullshit and Making Things Up can use it. One time a secretary got a peek at the form and had to be hospitalized for 6 weeks. We're really tightening up our security at Fly by Night Car Loans. One of our TOP GUYS will call you in a few days. If not, one of their TOP SECRETARIES will call you. If not, at very least you'll hear from our TOP JANITORS. Or maybe not. Are you satisfied with the outcome of this call?
Honnifer, I am every bit as satisfied as I was before this call.
Thank you for calling Fly by Night Car Loans.
Didn't See That Coming
The Wrestling Foundation of India
- Ladies: why don't you put a bone through your nose - it'll look even better
Thunderbird, the email client that runs on Windows, linux, android, and Timex watches, has announced a redo, in the next version. The first 'update' is a brand new look, for a brand new experience.
I dun said it before and I say it again: I don't want an experience. I want to read and send email. The same thing happened with mp3 audio players for android. They promise an experience and tout features like Material Design, which they claim is a good thing. Material Design was a plan to make android and its apps as ugly as humanly possible. They wanted to reinforce the concept by making all apps uniformly ugly. They succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. Do you have any idea what you have to do to get a simple black background on the phone? It involves a highwire act, where there are 10,000 people watching to see you fall and turn into a small splotch next to the pile of elephant shit.
- Bruce Willis has dementia, per his family. He was diagnosed with aphasia last year, but it has progressed.
- He will soon star in a new movie called Die What?
After a particularly trying day, the last next to fsck with me was my cable. After minimal troubleshooting, I discovered it was down. I really should have stopped there, but apparently I like pain. And what better way to inflict pain than to call the company that rhymes with Bombcast. Not only was my net connection down, but so was the tv, which is weird. So I went forth and dialed, which, as I said, was foolhardy, if not downright stupid. As their voice automation crazy-making system picked up, Wife came through with her phone. She likes to use her speaker, which tends to get so loud that she only talks on it in a different part of the house, so I don't start chasing her with heavy, sharp objects. It was so loud, I couldn't make out what Bombcast was saying. I politely asked Wife to SHUT THAT THING THE F OFF and she sat there to monitor my call. I like this, because it's sweet validation that I'm not going crazy; it's entirely the voice automation on the other end of the phone.
Right out of the chute, the automated voice asked me if I wanted to continue in Spanish. Nah, I was (almost) taught English all through school, so I opted for English. Ya know, if I were to vacation in France, I'd try to learn as much French as I could, to at least get by. I would not demand the entire country learn English just for my benefit. Oddly, immigrants to America have no such concept of learning the native language. Then it asked me for my zip code and told me they couldn't match it with any accounts. I'm horrible at math, but there have to be more than tens if not thousands of people in that zip code, who use either Bombcast or the company that rhymes with Vaginazon, so the fact they can't match it says more about their system than mine. Then they asked for the one piece of information that no one has: their account number. Be serious. I think they have a profanity filter, because I screamed HOW THE FSCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW MY ACCOUNT NUMBER? and it immediately asked for my phone number. At this point my brain is doing backflips, trying to remember which phone number I gave them. The moment I gave them the number, it immediately informed me that they were performing scheduled maintenance at the moment, and my service would return in 4 hours, thankyoubye. Gee, no one gave me the schedule.
It was at this point I looked over at Wife, who was aghast at the entire process to simply report an outage. There is nothing sweeter than validation. I guess the internet providers' theory is that making even stupid simple calls stupid difficult, they are discouraging further calls. They can save money by not hiring as many contractors in India or Kuala Lampur. I don't know if they're really in Kuala Lampur, but I just like saying it. Wife tells me this is not an isolated incident, so I wonder what Bombcast will say if I pay for only the amount of time they were up. Plus a small inconvenience fee, and a large amount of state taxes and fees.
McDonald's manager 'exposed himself in front of me'
It's been hell, working at that place. This is the final straw. Last year was going to be the final straw, but nobody would believe he forced me to eat one of our own burgers.
President Biden says balloon was not a major security breach
That was after Biden said it was a major security breach. In fact, Biden ordered it shot down. Days later, the Pentagon decided it should be shot down and went ahead. They told Joe that maybe if he was good, he could have a balloon ride!
Make your own decision: the thing was a spy balloon, with all sorts of antennas for listening in to whatever they captured. Was that a security breach? Will President Giveaway send $25 million to China because we shot down their balloon?
Microsoft defends sending user data to 3rd parties (Windows 11)
When Tom's Hardware contacted Microsoft, their spokesperson argued that flowing data is common in modern operating systems "to help them remain secure, up to date, and keep the system working as anticipated."
When caught, lie, obfuscate, and say things completely irrelevant to the topic.
I use a modern operating system that doesn't send data to 3rd parties. MS lies.
America is racing toward Canada's euthanasia free-for-all - as seven more states eye legalizing assisted suicide, deadly doses are prescribed for ANOREXICS and more nurses are inking prescriptions
Ok, coming from the UK, where it's illegal to offend somebody, this article seems a bit slanted. Just the title should establish this.
Let's bypass the hysteria and come to the crux of the biscuit: what kind of person thinks their government has control over their body? Huh? It's ridiculous. Remember one of our first rules: You Own You. The concept of suicide being illegal is laughable. You can do whatever you want with your body, provided it affects no others. You can pour more alcohol than Ted Kennedy drank for breakfast into yourself, but you cannot drive afterwards. This introduces the concept of personal responsibility, which the legal industry has been trying to eradicate for a long time.
Please understand that I'm talking about a person with all their sandwiches in the picnic basket. You need to be clear and rational before you kill yourself. If you're horribly depressed and the voices are telling you to JUMP, that's no good. I appreciate the police, emergency and medical workers who do their best to help people in mental health crises.
The 'free-for-all' argument is the same one always trotted out: people will be not only falling from trees, they'll kill old people and babies. I could have said this before they did. Nothing new here. Imagine your state government voting to allow you sovereignty over your own body. What have they been smoking? Have they voted to make it legal?
Practically speaking, if you're terminal, why shouldn't you leave on your schedule? Maybe before you're so sick, you're in hospice, counting down the hours. Why shouldn't this be your choice? Nothing wrong with medical professionals helping out. But the children....
And speaking of hospice, doctors are terrified to prescribe opioids for terminal patients in horrible pain, due to the Great Opioid Panic of 2020 (cont'd).
I try to be honest with my readers. I've been bitching about my very expensive piece of plastic called a laptop for a while now. Just so you know, we've narrowed it down to the inside. Inside the laptop - that's where the problem is. Pretty far inside, actually. If it had a hard drive, that's where the problem would be. I have these kinda stick-like thingies that act as hard drives. Only one of them is the problem. If I were to open the laptop so I could see both of them, I couldn't point at the errant bastard. I can tell from the outside though (go figure). It has something to do with grub. No, there are no grubs inside (at least there weren't last time I was in it); grub tells the computer how to boot. But grub is very picky about where it lives. It won't sit anywhere but the EFI. This is either at the very front of the drive or the last seat on the bus. According to the tech, grub rides the EFI and the EFI is always at the front of the bus... not the rear or the 2nd floor (in England). Before seeking Official Tech Support, I did research on the internet. It's a great concept: you can write about your problem and the solution so it will help others. Or you ask Ubuntu. So I spent hours and hours (and weeks) searching around. Each search provided agreements with the problem and a different solution that did not work. Lots of did not work. Personally I think the EFI is being a total bastard and only pretending it's there, to throw the rest of us off, including grub. At this rate, I'll have a working laptop just as all of the parts are no longer made. This is a great time to not throw things out, like old laptops. Mom said I was a pack rat. Now it turns out to be advantageous - HA!
I have a theory. No, really, I have one. And it's mine and belongs to me. If you spend a ridiculous amount of time working on something and not succeeding, you're on the wrong track. No point in spending another few weeks on it. I gave it to tech support, bless them.
Didja ever make half a dozen rescue flash drives and the computer won't recognize one? It's the modern form of making a dozen boot CDs and none of them will boot.
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