Time to Make the Haggis

Your love is like  a smattering of semen sausages

 

Hello, is this 1-800-ADDICTION?

Yes, how can we help you?

I was thinking of an addiction.

What kind of addiction do you have?

Oh, I don't have one. I was thinking of picking one up.

You want an addiction?

Absolutely.

Why would you want an addiction?

Well, it's kind of a cool, popular thing these days.

There is nothing cool about addiction, Sir.

Sure there is. All sorts of famous people pop in and out of facilities. Defendants blame their addictions for their crimes. Some of those places look like great holidays.

It's not a holiday.

Sure it is. Sun, pools, famous addicted people.

Sir, it involves a lot of work.

Yeah, but I could get Disability if I have an addiction.

Not just any addiction.

Well, can I start out with something easy, then go pro? I mean, what do the popular people start out with? Something easy, but comical to watch. Alcohol?

You can choose alcohol, but it takes years to really get good at it.

Cocaine?

Coke is a good starter addiction, but it's very expensive.

Heroin?

Heroin is nasty - save that for the really big rock stars.

Crack?

Crack is cheap, easy to get, and highly addictive.

Sounds like I might want to save that for later.

What about pot?

Pot isn't really an addiction.

But it's a drug.

Well, at the rate it's being decriminalized, no one will take you seriously.

Downers?

Downers are a good start. You can get hooked on them in high school. Usually the only problem is that you're too stupid to know you're addicted. A judge might have to put you into the program.

Acid?

Kinda passe.

Chocolate?

Chocolate is the very best addiction, but you have to be separated from the rest of the population because most of the serious addicts crave chocolate.

Pea soup?

I think you have an idea there, sir.  Since most people hate it, they'll hardly bother you. And you can call it an addiction. After a few stays, you can work your way up to pills. Depending on who else is in the program, you can get some tips on coke and maybe alcohol.

How do I get in?

Walk up to the front doors.

That won't do; I like to make an impression. I'll put pea soup all over my face, drive the wrong way down I-95, then ask a state trooper if he wants to fight. I need some cred...

Things are going well with the Flying AIDS vaccines.

There have been some small side effects, like arms falling off, nipples falling off, infection in that spot between your anus and genitals, left nostril hair fallout, sudden niceness, ability to dance, rapid ear hair growth, little brown worms coming through your skin, and sudden desire to watch the 700 Club.

Be safe.

In addition to the vaccine, our friends at the FDA authorized a non-prescription Flying AIDS test, for you hypochondriacs. You can take one in the morning and one at night. If you've gone out shopping, you can take one when you get back. They're available in 28 packs for the particularly neurotic. You are warned to look out for fake Flying AIDS tests - instead of swabbing your nose, you are instructed to shove it up your ass.

We strongly urge you not to mix up your Flying AIDS test with your pregnancy test. Most people would do well to avoid both conditions.

Today I identify as  rain. Way too much rain. Depressing rain.

Intel became the latest tech company to report diversity statistics Tuesday

Huh? Diversity statistics? To the Diversity Czar, we assume? 

Oops - Intel has a Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer.

I'll bet left handed people are not even counted. Nor height-impaired.

Meanwhile in Paris, the mayor mocked people telling her she had broken the law by hiring too many women to senior posts.

Upside Down World continues

• The California Public Utility Commission has slapped Uber with a $59 million fine for refusing to hand over detailed records about more than 1,200 alleged sexual assaults involving Uber drivers in California between 2017 and 2019.
• Uber's new slogan: We'll get you there and maybe not even sexually assault you!

Amazon just launched its new Made for You custom clothing service in the US that requires users to upload their measurements and two photos to create a “virtual body double.”

Amazon also just launched its new Made for Us custom finance service that requires users to upload their financial statements, salary documents, and household expenses. A spokesman for Amazon laughed and said, "As if we don't know that already."

• DHS Believes Our Reliance on GPS ‘Poses a Risk to National Security’
• it's nice to see that once again, DHS comes in several years behind me...

Today's a good day to have a birthday, being the birthday of the Reverend Billy Gibbons and Robben Ford. Tis a day of taste and tone.

Dear lefty  

• Do I have to clean the snow off the top of my car?
• no, but neither does the truck in front of you 

It's SNOWING

Best Snow Line So Far: Well, Bob, as you can see, traffic is flowing freely, which likely won't be the case when the snow hits. Runner up: A nor'easter went through the Northeast....

To our demented friends with PTSD, who are raiding the stores, STOP. The worst we've ever seen is being snowed in for 2 days. If you don't have 2 days' food, you have other issues to discuss. If you find yourself in a store, stock up on popsicles and ice cream, so if there's a power outage, you can store them outside and you'll have plenty to eat.

The city of Philadelphia has over 200 snow trucks and is ready to go. 

This should make everybody feel better when streets are not plowed. as they were not last year, when there were over 100 snow trucks.  Snow always seems to be a surprise to Philly, even when the past week's news has been nothing but SNOW -PANIC!

We know things are absolutely on point because we cannot get a weather forecast to line up with any other weather forecast, so we just watch the forecaster with the largest mammalian protuberances. 

The most bizarre thing so far is virtually-educated children demanding a snow day. I tried this with my boss last year: he filed it with all my other Great Ideas. 

The forecaster with the largest mammalian protuberances says it's going to be very cold, so bring your pets in. Penny agrees, or would agree, but she's wrapped up in a blanket, napping with her mother. I'm giving you fair warning: if your pets are outside, I'll come stay with you for a week or so...

The Emergency Management Agency put out a bulletin telling people to keep off the roads. Because we're a bright lot, and need to be told to stay off the roads when there's 12" of snow. 

As the 11pm news started, the talking head said they had coverage of the entire area and showed the reporters: 3 women with furry parkas and masks; the Stepford Reporters.

Philly fitted trash trucks with plows. This was a mistake.. now the plows won't show up either.

Do you really want to meet the news staffer who determined it had been 1,000 days since the last heavy snow? This is the guy you get sat next to at parties.

In good news, shootings have gone way down. It's not so much guns don't work in the snow, as gun operators don't work in the snow.

Every time this crap starts, one of the little voices reminds me it snows very little in Arizona. 

Epilog 

12" turned out to be more like 4". There are very few times of year I'm happy for the nearly 100% error rate of forecasters, but I'll take this. Men all over the world are happy for women who don't know the difference between 4" and 12".

Meanwhile, I continued, unmolested, but only because it was Office Hours. I could feel her, in the next room, vibrating with the things she was going to tell me I had to do with a shovel (most of them outside). She's a clever she, she is, and found this... thing... to clean snow from cars without scratching them. Me, I'm not fond of even washing cars, but since this one is about 5 days old, I'd rather not scratch it up (I still won't wash it). This thingie is a mop with the bottom made out of... something... that better not scratch cars. To add a little incentive, she's watching TMZ, which would chase me out of the house if there was a tornado.

Considering I work from home, there isn't any urgent reason to clean the car - it's not like we need to go anywhere.  I STAND CORRECTED: one of us has to go somewhere. The other will clean off the car, cuz it's not worth the grief to find out why it's necessary to drive somewhere on the day of Snowmageddon. The fact that She Who Must Be Obeyed said so is good enough for me. 

BUT WAIT!!!!

Then there's the trash cans, stranded on the invisible sidewalk, then the sidewalk itself. Then the zombie dishes, which have come back from the clean in record numbers. Perhaps some dog shaving. Perhaps some neighbor shaving. I'm getting a lot of pressure to remove the 1974 Camaro from the living room... damn...  I thought that thing was supposed to be invisible after 3 days. Well, 20 years is a good run. But if the car goes, I'll need a new place to hide the bodies. Some of them are rather recent, so this should be done after dark (which comes around 3pm these days). All in all, the neighborhood has been a lot quieter lately, so the neighbors don't ask a lot of questions. 

The news had footage of the inevitable vehicle struck by a train. You have to have some interesting mental abnormalities to get hit by a train in the first place, but you're minus 30 points for the train here. The whistle itself wakes people at the next stop. The clanging and dinging has caused 23 employees of a nearby convenience store to request a store in a quieter place, like Iraq. Even deaf people are aware a train is coming - so we know the problem is not notification. The problem is obviously the nut holding the steering wheel. It's about to be 2021 and some of us still haven't figured out one does not race a train (and win). To make things more interesting, this was a box truck. People are generally unaware of Philly's famous Box Truck Racing network. The races are every weekend, on streets not patrolled often by the police. When the police found out about the box truck racing, they stopped patrolling the area because how much trouble could you get into at 20mph tops? So the 20mph truck lost the race to the train. Who woulda thought?

• George Clooney (Elitist-Pluto) said we should bail out Hollywood.
• I wouldn't dream of stopping you, George

Physicists have proven time to be subjective.

They determined the last 4 minutes of work to be the longest individual minutes of the day.

Congress is threatening action, which is a bad thing. This time it's on another 'stimulus' round, meaning more unemployment checks for people and Congress' favored businesses. No matter how many times I ask politicians, no one has told me who will pay for this.

I'm not as heartless as I seem: I believe everyone who can should contribute. To have it stolen in taxes is ridiculous, and just another day in Congress. To start, we can have the taxes eliminated - that would certainly stimulate. We can also limit checks to people who are actually unemployed; I will gladly forego 'free money.' But this also includes Congress' friends.  When the concept of getting rid of checks to dead people came up, Congress wanted to phase it out over a few years. Does this tell you all you need to know? 

• Up to 3 million devices have been infected by malware-laced Chrome and Edge add-ons
• When adding any addons to your browser, stick with the well known and highly used/rated addons. Much like spam and phishing, avoid the ones with questionable English. This alone will help keep you safer.

Mrs lefty scoffed at the plumbing bill to run hot coffee from the kitchen directly to my office. Now I have to keep walking into the kitchen and standing there, waiting for it to be ready. She's sometimes very cruel to me. Shall I rename the blog  Exercise Causes Cancer? 

Speaking of cancer, don't forget: doctors say most heart attacks happen while shoveling.

Lefty says even more heart attacks happen while awake.