Your love is like used wrapping paper
It's early, I'm sitting down to work, and something's tickling me at the outside of my awareness. I know there's something just a bit off. I must've left a machine on. Nope. Look, look... an old machine I used to use has powered itself up, for no particular reason. Either that, or they're becoming alive.... ever wonder what they do when you're not around? Yes, Mr. FBI agent, they must've turned themselves on and downloaded those files....
I just discovered I was the only one in my crew working on a (surprise) day off a few weeks ago. It's the smart wuns that make them really stoopid mistakes. As my childhood friend said, "You're the dumbest smart person I know."
Today I identify as a coworker who never seems to do much
A small number of Flying AIDS patients develop severe psychotic symptoms.
Which seems to explain Congress....
Military recruiting crisis looms with youth too flabby to defend nation.
Who coulda seen that coming?
PRIVATE, gimme 10!
1... 1 and a half....
I said 10, maggot!
I... I can't... sir
10 laps around the course.
Sir.. I can't get to the starting gate.
What can you do, sissy?
You have any game consoles that need hacking? Chips that need eating?
Go up that ladder!
Can't, Sir - too far to go and afraid of heights.
Firing range!
No, Sir. Guns kill, like words.
I SAID PICK UP THE GUN!
Too heavy, haven't had my Red Bull today.
In non-related news, human remains were found on Joint Base San Antonio. It appears recruits need to defend themselves from the military, not foreigners.
The Boeing 737 MAX is set to return to the skies (and hopefully not to the ground). Boeing has renamed the plane 738 MAX, in hopes no one will notice.
Tesla sales have somewhat slowed of late because they explode like a flamethrower. The slight dip in sales was followed by a surge in sales, among thrill-seekers, who enjoy the rush of knowing their car can burst into flames at any moment. Like fire. Fire good.
Tesla says that if you feel the car starting to go up in a fireball, get out of it and call their hotline: 1-666-GO BOOM. Tesla's plan to send a fire truck and another Tesla went up in flames, so to speak, when the replacement Teslas also blew up.
You better refund my money or I'll park my Tesla outside your store.
Wanna date? We'll go in my Tesla. It'll be a blast!
Sign in front of AT&T buildings: No Tesla Parking
I have had some of the greatest sex of my life in my Tesla. It always ends in me getting blown to bits.
The Odyssey and even Dr Seuss have been burned by the Cancel Crowd, for use in schools.
children shouldn’t have to read stories written in anything other than the present-day vernacular—especially those in which racism, sexism, ableism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of hate are the norm,”
I, for one, welcome this Puritan-like censorship, if it means no more Shakespeare. Also canceled were:
- Homer Simpson: attitudes about junk food
- the one with the whale, Animal Farm, To Kill A Mockingbird: animal abuse
- Hansel and Gretl: elder abuse
- Catcher in the Rye: John Lennon abuse
- Green Eggs and Ham: promotes lax attitudes about food safety
- Roadrunner: everybody knows Coyotes are a code word for Jews
- Frankenstein: corpse-ism, many-isms depending on who the parts came from
- The Taming of the Shrew: sexism
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: able-ism
- King Lear: feudalism
- Gulliver's Travels, Little Women: height-ism
- Harry Potter: hatred of witches and potters
Anthony Warner, alleged RV bomber, is starting to show up in the press, with all sorts of stories of what happened before he allegedly blew himself (and AT&T) up. The FBI is investigating, which can only mean one thing: Warner was very low on the IQ scale, and was telling people he wanted to blow something up. The FBI encouraged him to go ahead, gave him the explosives, and now have named the culprit. They've done this a number of times, including a NY building bomber.
Mainstream or Pr0n?: Through the Water Curtain and other Tales from Around the World, Uber Eats Clone
In case you think I'm a tinfoil cap wearing loon, check this article out, about cars being a treasure trove of information. While it's true, I am a tinfoil cap wearing loon, there's a reason for guarding your privacy with all the great new technology we have.
The telematics system stores a vehicle's turn-by-turn navigation, speed, acceleration and deceleration information, as well as more granular clues, such as when and where the lights were switched on, the doors were opened, seat belts were put on and airbags were deployed.
This is just the beginning, especially if you allow the car access to your phone. This information is being accessed by police, advertisers, and who knows who else. Here's a business opportunity - a garage that hacks this crap out.
- The Flying AIDS bill has an interesting attachment: our spy agencies are given 180 days to disclose the truth about UFOs.
- Damn.
- Well, they can tell the truth OR they will say they have nothing responsive to the request. I say Rubio and Trump, with the press, should walk into Wright Patterson base and show everybody what's there.
HIM: Let's play Epstein
HER: What's Epstein?
HIM: You ask me to massage you, then make me take my clothes off and have sex with you.
HER: ok, but only if you let me suicide you when we're done
- Wonder Woman 1984, yet another remake, is having questionable box office returns. Industry professionals are afraid to state that it might have something to do with having a trans man in the title role.
Queens of the Stone Age: they've been around for a while, but I haven't heard much from them, so I dove head first into a concert on tv. You know what they say about diving... make sure there's water in the pool. It's ok, I don't like anything.
- the Polk County, Florida, sheriff authorized a sting operation at a flea market, of vendors selling 'pirate' Amazon Firesticks.
- Don't they have any illegal gatherings to bust up?
It's lonely at work. The loneliest person ever is always the one running a meeting. I don't know who pulled their body parts out, but no one will respond to a thing the moderator says. It's not like anybody's going to get in trouble for an answer or much of anything. They just don't speak.
MOD: Hey, everybody. Good morning.
EVERYBODY:
MOD: Am I on? Can everybody hear me?
EVERYBODY: [silence].. [silence].. uncomfortable [silence].. [1 person] Uhh, yes.
MOD: So, you're all fired.
EVERYBODY:
MOD: Just kidding. You all got a raise.
EVERYBODY:
MOD: I'm trying to decide where to put the servers - behind the firewall, or just out on the internet, where anybody can get to them. Thoughts? Security Department?
EVERYBODY:
This is every meeting, whether 3 or 300 participants, regardless of moderator. Anybody who's read this blog more than once knows I abhor a vacuum. I was raised strangely, in that if someone asks me a question, especially someone who's paying me, I answer it. No one told me that was optional, so everybody got to know my voice. I realized I take some of the pressure off my teammates because they figure I'll answer the questions or do the work. OH, I get it.
I learned a valuable lesson at my first job: when the boss says 'we', he means 'you.' "We need to get that area cleaned up." The only time it didn't mean 'you' was when he said "We need to go to lunch with that hot rep."
The other day I let someone else lead, vowing to give only factual, 2 syllable answers. No sarcasm (someone wanted to check my pulse). This was because of a variant on the First Lesson: This is messed up. What are 'you' going to do about it? Gee, fella, what 'we' would normally do is call 'you' because it's 'your' equipment.
Let me explain it another way: you set it up, you have admin rights, you fixed every issue we've had with it (after we called your boss). Whereas, we only have user rights and honestly believe there are squirrels running on a belt inside the machine.
Let me explain it another way: when I take my Chevy to the dealership because it's leaking something that looks flammable, the dealer doesn't ask me how I'm going to fix it. He just fixes it, claims the problem was out of warranty, and charges me for a new engine.
Let me explain it another way: when your wife wrecks the Chevy and asks what 'she' is going to do about it.... "Oh, I get it. Nothing more to say - I'll call you when it's fixed."
I want to learn to not answer questions in a meeting, but it's so hard... letting that dead air go... when I know the answer. Or use the opportunity to suggest getting rid of Windows and using linux on all servers. Sometimes people speak when I say this stuff... it's usually a mixture of groaning and loud applause. I have a new exercise: before I answer, I remember there are a lot of extremely intelligent people who have been there a long time and are in departments way over mine, so if they don't answer, maybe I shouldn't.
Nah, just kidding - I have no problem telling highly capable people above me they're wrong. Plus somebody's gotta answer... don't they?
- Fish spaghetti?
- Why hasn't there been a Dear lefty in the last few pages?
- we're tired of your whining
- Look, I'm serious.
- you don't look serious
- My girlfriend said either the guitars go or she goes. What do I do?
- ask her for a forwarding address
- Why does this software make me log in to tell me I have been logged out, then I have to log back in? Was the alcohol flowing freely that day?
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| Buy a tree, get a free Mercedes! |
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