Your love is like last year's Halloween candy
Ok, so it was Halloween. All Hallows Eve. Samhain. Elvirahain. Halloween is when the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest. And when parents drive their kids to nicer neighborhoods to get better candy.
The past few years, Mrs. lefty, who enjoys the holiday like Cher enjoys plastic surgery, chose to hand out candy elsewhere. This left me to gather our Candy Credits. My area has candy credits, and if you don't get enough, they won't pick up your trash. I kid - they already don't pick up our trash.
So it fell upon me. This was rather a shame, as I don't like Halloween. Or kids. Or people knocking at my door while I'm masturbating watching tv. But it IS the official holiday of the American Dental Association. And to some degree, mine too. I like candy. A lot. If it can be separated from children, it would be called lefty Day. I like $100,000 Bars and Rolos. But they've got to be fresh, as in just packaged from the factory. I can tell, you know. One sniff and I'm like a bloodhound. I can't smell much else, but I knows my candy. My olfactory screwup was caused by a vacuum cleaner explosion when I was little, but enough about that.
Since it was left to me to distribute the sweets, I did what any red-blooded American would do: shut the curtains and turn out the lights. And then it hit me... we see a ton of children, but there are no children living around me. Halloween is the tax we pay to keep the children away the other 364 days of the year! I gotta go - I hear the little bastards approaching. I'll give them the large candy bars, because nothing's too good to keep the little tax collectors away from here every other day.
Today I identify as that stuff my wife told me not to identify as
Buy Early
With Thanksgiving weeks away, we advise you to pick up cranberry products quickly. The manufacturers are having trouble getting the cans, so the prices are going up.
I think this is great, for all the money I can save. I hate cranberry sauce, juice, and cranberry-related products. Naturally this is canceled by Mrs. lefty's love of cranberries.
When we were growing up, we always wanted to know how Mom got those lines around the cranberry sauce.
- if you can, buy a turkey for people who were affected by the Flying AIDS' money-suck. Thank you.
- Another year, another ridiculous Rock and Roll Hall of Fame back-patting induction ceremony
- This year: Jay-Z
- Show me where Jay-Z plays rock and roll........... I'll wait........
- He joins <wait for it...> .... Tupac
- Startup That Wants To Let You Fly Helicopter With an iPad Gets $200 Million
- I can't imagine anything going wrong here....
- the explosions would be spectacular and would make a great tv show: The Masked Copter Crasher
- NASA (Never A Straight Answer) proposes new methodology for communicating the discovery of alien life. Ummmm.... the SPACE agency is not finding new life, they're worried about communicating its discovery.... Your tax dollars at work.
- I forgot - there's a local election. I don't have to remember... the democrats start texting me. They think my name is Shakila and I live on the other side of the state. They can't keep a list together and they want my vote?
- you can't force them to stop, either. Politicians wrote themselves an exemption to the spam laws.
- there's no central place to cancel this spam - you an only cancel it per-call.
- it then becomes my job to annoy them back. Usually mentioning the 2nd Amendment puts them right off. Telling them the Rs and Ds are 2 sides of the same warped coin. Tell them we want government out of our lives and to stop being the Nanny State. Remind them of President Taxit. It's Libertarian Time!
- The UK now wants to throw online trolls in jail
- UK citizens - it's time to call your people and do some protesting... want to get thrown in jail for offending someone?
- Rodent-infested Popeyes in D.C. shuts down after video shows rats running around kitchen, climbing up walls
- If that ain't a metaphor, I don't know what is....
- lets your undigested food know if a crash is imminent, so it can leap back out your esophagus (thank you, Mr. Pither)
- detects an impending argument with your spouse (just figure you will be)
- detection of new, wildly overpriced accessories (stays on all the time, for some reason)
- new iPhone model detection, so you can start lining up in front of stores
- detects the person in front of you not using turn signals (also on all the time)
- lets you know if you're about to be shot
- detects there are too many detections
- make all ICBMs electric
- install nuke charging stations at all convenience stores
- use only 'clean' nukes
- replace gunpowder in all bullets with climate-friendly flour
- convert tanks to cooking oil instead of diesel
- have the NSA convert to pedal power to run their supercomputers
- The Fire Department of New York announced more than 2,000 firefighters are on medical leave, in apparent response to the vaccine mandate.
- NYC has issued a state-wide call for volunteer firefighters from areas such as Long Island and Upstate New York
- Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva continues to rail against the county's vaccine mandate, warning it is causing a "mass exodus" in his department
- US prisons face staff shortages as officers quit amid COVID
- Marines who refuse the vaccine will be booted
- J&J shot 3.5 times more likely to develop rare blood clots
- Judge suspends deadline for Chicago police to get shot(s)
- American Airlines canceled over 2,000 flights due to 'weather'
- the Amish don't want vaccines and were among the first to achieve herd immunity
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