Your love is like a large meal that isn't sitting right
- 1 in 10 Americans have moved because they thought their house was haunted
- What - Casper isn't a friendly ghost?
It's Halloween - make sure to get your razorblades in order
Today I identify as a hospital gurney
I'm applying for the Mr. America pageant. Or whoever will have me. Here's my data sheet:
NAME: lefty
LANGUAGE: sarcasm
FAVORITE FOOD: a tub full of chocolate pudding
GENDER: CIS hetero male. very male, all the way to the end of the scale
THINGS YOU'VE IDENTIFIED AS: female, black, fingernail, Abrams tank, hospital gurney, vagina
FAVORITE SEX: yes
HEIGHT; I smell vertical discrimination and will call Gloria Allred
WEIGHT: you have the NERVE to ask a black female 126th gender person her weight? Don't weight-shame me before the pageant has even started.
DISABILITIES: I'll need another sheet of paper
FAVORITE CAR: 1976 Cadillac Sedan DeVille - sleeps 12 (24 if you slice them thin)
HOBBIES: sarcasm, trying to grow a mustache, cleaning up after the dog, definitely not putting things up my butt - no sir.
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Super Chicken
FAVORITE SPORT: sarcasm, watching people walk into holes
WHAT YOU LOOK FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER: breasts - definitely breasts. An even number of breasts. Breasts that are more or less the same size and shape. Low self esteem. Daddy issues. Big hair. Bad mate-choosing skills. Skin so pale, people keep asking if she's dead.
FAVORITE DANGEROUS ACTIVITY: asking women if they're pregnant or just fat
WORST INJURY: came after asking a woman if she was pregnant or just fat
GREATEST ENIGMA: why British go to hospital and Americans go to the hospital, why AA is smaller than A but DD is bigger than D.
- McDonald's is partnering with IBM to develop AI to automate its drive-thru lanes
- It will take longer than expected, as they teach the AI to foul up the orders
Know what's depressing?
Many things, but the one I'm on about today is video conferencing from home.
We're all doing it now. The problem is that when we watch people, we are not seeing anything embarrassing in the background. No pajamas. No nakidity. No questionable flags or desk ornaments. Nothing up the speaker's nose. No explosives or anything that would warrant a quick call to Homeland Security. No squirrels. Not even a dirty magazine. This has come as a tremendous disappointment to the hordes of people forced to work from home because of the Flying AIDS. If there was something interesting in frame, we'd at least have a reason to pay attention. The only reason we pay attention now is out of fear the boss will call on us for something.
- Climate change: Major US oil companies to be quizzed in Congress
- We swear we didn't know they were addictive or harmful..
I never found out which religion you had to be to get a vaccine exemption. Cuz I was ready to adopt it fully. I figured I could get excommunicated afterwards. It was probably one of the Christian ones. That would get old quickly... all that facing north, wearing beanies, and praying all day.
- Hell hath no fury like Overly Attached Spaniel, who just came in from the rain and desperately wants to sit on your lap.
US issues first gender-neutral 'X' passport
Nope. Sorry. Too silly. Next sketch, please.
Mrs. lefty demands a multiple personality passport. Or a bunch of them.
We need less government and lower taxes, yet we can't get that. Fortunately we have a gender-neutral passport.
Still no left handed history month or left handed passport.
We're reading about all sorts of 'dark web' arrests these days, the most recent for opioids and enough fentanyl to kill every viewer of The Masked Furry. The stuff is bad. We're all happy they got the 'bad guys.' Just be careful. Check into how they got the bad guys. The FBI et al have figured out how to get past TOR and identify people, as if they were sending email to their mother. TOR is a very valuable asset, scrambling your output so no one can tell where it came from. Every society needs some sort of secrecy, and this one's going to hell. So pay some attention to how the 'good guys' got the 'bad guys.'
For some modicum of privacy, use SIGNAL on your phone, which replaces the stock text app.
Use PROTONMAIL for encrypted emails.
Use PGP to encrypt your email.
They're all free.
Never assume you're safe in any communication.
FLASH, went the flash.
I looked in its direction because flash isn't generally a good thing. It either means I'm electrocuting myself, or somebody else is. In this case it looked like something from the movies, announcing the presence of somebody who wasn't there a moment ago.
Oddly enough, he wasn't.
He seemed to be Ben Franklin, but one must be very careful these days, what with all the Franklin impersonators and amateur magicians.
He coughed.
I stared.
He looked.
I coughed.
Stalemate.
It was Ben fscking Franklin, in my living room.
It's a good thing he materialized where he did. Two feet to the right and he would have had a bad effect on the ICBM I keep next to the couch. If you have to ask me why, you're just going to ruin everything.
Me: Welcome, Mr. Franklin. I'm lefty.
BF: Please, call me Ben. Or Sally. Don't ask.
Me: So, uh, not that I don't appreciate the opportunity, but what are you doing here?
BF: Don't ask me... I was just bending over, thinking I'd like to have my sanity tested, then FLASH - here I am.
Me: The universe has the oddest sense of humor.
BF: It's a real fscker, as we said in my time. By the way, what time IS it?
Me: You probably bent over in the late 1700s, right?
BF: 1785, to be precise.
Me: Well, you made it to 2021.
BF: 2021?
Me: 2021.
BF: Are you sure?
Me: Positive. You should learn all you can, cuz you only have 5 more years. I don't have a paper, but let's look at the computer.
BF: What's a computer?
Me: This is going to get tedious. And difficult. And I have the patience of a pregnant gnat. Let me show you my laptop - see the date?
BF: 2021, as you said. Now about this 'laptop'. What is this picture and word box?
Me: Errr..... I can 'compute,' both locally and remotely. I can write letters without a quill and save them.
BF: This is fascinating.
Me: You ain't seen nothin yet, Sally. I can also hook into a worldwide system called the internet. I can do research, look at pictures or videos, and be really nasty anonymously, for everybody to see.
BF: Amazing. Tell me more about these pictures and moving pictures.
Me: You can find almost anything you like. You find out the world is smaller than you thought.
BF: I particularly like the ones with all ladies.
Me: Many do.
BF: But that one... why does he have a penis but dress as a lady?
Me: He identifies as female.
BF: Identifies?
Me: Yeah. He says he's female and everybody has to respect that.
BF: But he isn't female. The penis is a dead giveaway.
Me: I see how you would think that - I did too at one point. But you must respect him/her.
BF: Let me see if I have this correct: the guy with the penis stands up one day and says he identifies as female, so everybody has to treat him/her as female.
Me: That would be about it.
BF: The first problem I see is with language: we don't have pronouns to cover this. Things like him/her.
Me: That's no problem: people specify their pronouns... what other people have to call them.
BF: This just gets weirder.
Me: You betcha!
BF: So if I stood up and said I was a building, people would have to enter through the revolving doors? What if they didn't?
Me: Ah, we have enforcement. There are very small, very loud groups, that have discovered they can yank the majority around by the short hairs. For some reason, the majority kowtows to them. They call them names, usually ending in -ist. They wish their families dead. Finally, if they don't get what they want, they cancel.
BF: What is cancel?
Me: Refuse to do business with, ignore, complain to employers, and gather round houses with bad signs.
BF: So I could 'identify' as a chimney and would have a whole horde to back me up?
Me: It's more along the lines of sex.
BF: Of which there are only two - male and female.
Me: It's a good thing you appeared here first. You go outside with that attitude and you'll be lynched.
BF: Like the British?
Me: Worse - there are copious amounts of whining involved.
BF: No actual armaments?
Me: If you hear the whining once, you will understand.
BF: So physicians have discovered additional genders? Was it in scholarly study?
Me: Not really. It was more a declaration, sometimes by educators.
BF: How can learned educators pass this kind of tripe onto our children?
Me: What's that called.... tenure. They get tenure then spout any kind of ridiculous crap they want. They're untouchable. Kids are like sponges - they soak this stuff up. Most are brighter than the teachers.
BF: I am going to assume physicians haven't discovered anything other than a penis and vagina, correct?
Me: Correct.
BF: Then there are only two genders.
Me: You're not gonna like it here very much.
BF: So I can theoretically identify as something between male and female?
Me: Yes.
BF: But how?
Me: One thing we learn is that we can't hope to understand everything. Some things just cause headaches and excessive drinking. This is one of them. Stated another way, one must choose one's battles.
BF: Speaking of excessive drinking, do you have any of it about?
Me: Chocolate liquer or chocolate wine? We should probably go shopping for you. I drink like a girl.
BF: Ah, but do you identify as one?
Me: Well done, Ben... there might be hope for you after all.
Ben will be back......
- the Climate Summit got off to an embarrassing start, when Joe Biden flew to the wrong country
President Taxit met with the pope for a longer time than usual. They discussed communion, touching little boys and girls, and Joe's desire for a bar mitzvah.
Teeth, I Say
I made my most recent trip to the dentist.
"Don't think of it as new teeth," they said, "Think of it as the dentist's last Mercedes payment."
"How does it feel?" she asked.
I feel like Freddie Mercury.
I learned stuff. Stuff like Freddie's extra incisors would be referred to as 7A and 10A.
But the main thing I took home, which will stick with me forever, is High Speed Suction.
It took everything I had not to leap out of the chair with joy when I heard that.
High. Speed. Suction.
I kept repeating it in my head, to hear how it would sound on the blog.
Oh yeah, they glued in the new teeth.
Only a few more vacation home payments to the doctor and all the work will be done.
Of course I'm kidding. No matter how great your teeth look, they'll find something.
- Being off from work is just like working, with a lot more napping
- I was thinking of a coffee IV, when I realized I was going overboard. So I just glued the cup to my hand.
Flying AIDS News
- NYPD preparing for crush of retirements ahead of vax mandate
- Refusal sidelines dozens of Chicago fire personnel
- First responder unions resist for front line workers
- Air Force faces troop rejection as thousands avoid
- 5% adults quit job due to opposition
- Inoculated just as likely to spread delta within household
- NJ hospital mandates boosters
- NYC vax fallout - less cops, more trash, firehouses closed, 150 fewer ambulances
- Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds on Friday signed into law a bill that allows Iowa
workers to seek medical and religious exemptions from COVID-19 vaccine
mandates and guarantees that those who are fired for refusing a vaccine
will qualify for unemployment benefits.
- 26K NYC workers remain unvaccinated after Friday deadline
- Attorneys general in 10 GOP states join fight against Biden administration's vaccine mandate
- Barrett and Kavanaugh Supply Majority to Deny Religious-Liberty Claim on Vaccine Mandate
- the flu-like symptoms I was told I'd have showed up. Four days later. I feel like I'm allergic to air.
AT&T training program says 'White people, you're the problem"
Kaepernick equates NFL with slavery in new Netflix series
-- dem sho is some well-paid slaves dere, Massa. Some of em be white.
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