Your love is like a box-o-spiders, all Black Widows
Q. Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes.
A. Neither. Zebras are green.
Today I identify as a microphone that everybody walks up to and asks "is this thing on?"
Now, if only our government....
Flying AIDS News
The new COVID war: Redefining vaccinatedve haf zees nice camps for zem
Dutch police arrest more than 30 amid ongoing unrest
Adults nationwide eligible for boosters this weekend as CDC gives sign-off53.3% of the world population has received at least one dose of a COVID-19 vaccine
Sweden now has Western Europe's LOWEST Covid infection rate - didn't shut down society
Europe's lockdown fury: Violence breaks out in Vienna as 10,000 protesters take to the streets and thousands more march in Amsterdam - hours after two people are SHOT in Rotterdam during clashes between activists and Dutch riot police
I don't advocate violence, but people all over the world are starting to wake up and show backbone.
- Tesla entertains us once again: some Tesla owners were unable to unlock their cars due to server errors.
- THIS is the problem with the Internet of Things. Anything that needs to contact a server to operate is a no-go. By the same token, Tesla can push software to your car that you did not approve or want. No IoT here, thank you.
A Michigan woman tried to hire an assassin online at RentAHitman.com. Now, she's going to prison.
What kind of world is it when you can't even rent a hitman?
I made the mistake of getting between the dog and her mommy yesterday.
Penny was sitting on my lap, when her mommy appeared.
Penny got so excited, she did a 180 and ran off the chair, splitting my lip with a nail.
So now I have this impressive cut down my lip.
When people ask, I tell them I got it trying to save children from an out of control car.
My life just isn't that exciting.
- FDA approves first drug for genetic cause of dwarfism
- the drug is being boycotted "until they refer to us as little people"
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| the pedos the joke was on him - Epstein was Jewish |
Black Friday has been going on for a month now. This must confuse the hell out of children.
MOMMY - why is it Black Friday today? It's Tuesday.
I thought Black Friday was after we eat turkey.
Oooh, games!
Next year, Black Friday will be in February.
So, reader-type-people, I need a favor. Can you check in and tell me what, if anything, you want?
I promise not to tell anybody.
Can you also tell me if it's normal not to want anything? The Black Friday sales bore me to death, and I can't think of anything I want for xmas. Or is it just the Spirit of Humbug?
Technically, I'd like Emilia Clarke to babysit me while Wife is out of town, but I feel it unwise to ask Wife for that for xmas.
Anybody?
I generally don't want anything for birthdays or holidays. Well, anything I can afford, like vintage guitars that cost as much as my house.
I actively dissuade anybody from buying me anything. It's not only because I don't want anything, it's because it will inevitably be stupid.
How about some nice, generic cologne?
A hairbrush (for the remaining hair)
Diet candies (good lord)
a sports jersey (for the AntiSports)
animal slippers (not old or female enough to wear slippers)
mowing accessories (let's get him something to complement his most hated activity)
an iPhone (it sizzles when my skin comes in contact with it)
an iPhone cover (won't that fit on your phone?)
a sweater (ugly sweater contest? EVERY sweater is an ugly sweater. Have you ever SEEN me wear a sweater?)
Windows 11 (also sizzles)
A concert ticket (Yay!) to see Ed Sheeran (oof)
a Junior Demolitions Kit (Yay!) without plastic explosives (boo)
Do It Yourself Crab Farm
Home STD Kit (testing or getting?)
Alexa
Johnny Bravo Home Napping Kit (I can teach a master course in napping)
guitar picks (yay!) with Justin Bieber on them (boo)
Me: xmas is coming
Her: yeah, I have to find anthrax for my sister
Me: Do me a favor? I love your mother, but could you please tell her not to get me anything?
Her: She tries so hard.
Me: I know she does, and I try to look grateful. It's just that last year's Santa mittens weren't quite me.
Her: You're tough to buy for.
Me: That's why I tell everyone not to buy me anything. You're easy - a gift certificate to a shoe store puts you over the moon.
Her: What do I tell her?
Me: I dunno - tell her I have taken a vow of poverty or I have cancer or something...
Her: Yeah, lemme get right on that.
Me: What about the family polyanna?
Her: Oh, we took you out of that years ago, after the Plumbing Incident.
Me: Look - all I said was, "This explosive has a waterproof fuse, so you could flush it down the toilet." I'm not around kids. How was I to know they'd actually do it? Why is everybody so sore - I paid for new plumbing for the house.....
Michael Hutchence (INXS) died on this day.
Michael, a real rock star, failed to die a rock star's death (choking on his own vomit due to drugs).
Michael died of autoerotic asphyxiation. This means he strangled himself while having sex with himself.
This is why you should never have sex by yourself. Always bring a friend or three.
President Taxit said he expects he'll be running most mornings, and has anybody seen his ice cream? They told him he'd get ice cream after speaking.
Much like the republicans before them, democrats are getting repetitive stress disorder from shaking their heads, sadly.
I got out of the shower the other day and things started to shake and rumble.
Why does this Stuff only happen when I'm in the bathroom?
Years ago, at work, I sat on the toilet, and the entire building shook. It was an earthquake.
Mrs. lefty, who was Out and About, told me it was fighter jets.
The problem is that the only fighter jet base anywhere near closed years ago.
After two days of this, we discovered it was a NORAD exercise.
Why would an organization that looks for hazards (and ufos) coming in over the horizon, need an exercise in the North Atlantic US?
Happy Turkey Day, people.
I am most thankful that you come by and read my rantings.
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