Your love is like old skunk
I'm dying here, so to speak. This stuff writes itself.
Today I identify as very attractive. I am trans-ugly.
When I first started the current job, I met a lot of people, some who had been around forever. One, higher up the chain, asked me to do something one day. He had this bizarre cough, like at some point, he was going to spit out a vital body part. No one ever commented. He played the guitar too, so we had that in common. When I was taking care of the job he asked me to do, I told him he could have gotten competent people to help: he said he wanted me. Made me feel good and made me question his judgment.
Very shortly thereafter, we got notice that he would not be working with us anymore, as he had departed this plane. NOW I understood the cough. His name is still kept around and I still have him as a contact. Unfortunately I don't have current contact information. Later, Bill.
- The other day the boss made some sort of joke about Guitar Hero. Mock offended, I said I don't play guitar hero, I am a guitar hero. Plus they never made the controller left handed, the bastards.
I attended a seminar last week for work. I thought perhaps I should not be there after a presenter had her pronouns (she/her) on her identification badge. Keep your Stuff to yourself, at home. Don't demand we be interested or will participate. If I have to use your pronouns, I expect your full support and work for Left Handed History Month. However, I was wondering what I'd use... most of our forms have a spot for it.
NAME: lefty - no capitals or punctuation
HONORIFIC: Mister Doctor
PRONOUNS: I, we, you, he, she, it, they, me, us (there are hundreds of them)
PHILLY PRONOUNS: Yo, uh, youz, dem
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY PRONOUNS: yous, they, them, you plural, youse guys, all of you, make up your minds
DEGREE: BS in BS
TITLE: CEO of Sarcasm
EDUCATION: Way too much, all the way through high school
GENDER: It should be fairly obvious, Why do you want to know? Martian.
I IDENTIFY AS: Jimmy Page, Bruce Jenner, a desk
YOUR PRONOUNS: Asshole, Pussy Hound, Stupid, Insensitive, Inappropriate, Stop it, Bad breath, fascist, sexist racist stupidist stupidest ableist neuro-normie, nice ass.
-->> I figure if we all use these pronouns, the problem will take care of itself within a week.
Final question: if a guy uses he/him, is there any point? For thousands of years, it has been understood.
So I recently had to take a refresher course on sexual harassment. Like every other year, my coworkers asked if I was teaching it, as a how-to. Diversity was naturally a topic. It was all pretty ironic, as we're the most diverse and least harassing organization in the world. Or the city. Or our block. My favorite part of any harassment talk is that harassment is unwanted sexual behavior. If you're perfectly happy being spoken to like that, it is not harassment. I know many people who would welcome talk about how great their ass looks in those jeans. These people are extremely insecure and don't get any (unwanted harassment) at home.
- Neither sex understands the other, so sexual harassment can help bridge the gap:
HEY, she grabbed your butt. Are you going to report her?
Now I know she likes me. I've been wondering about it for 15 years, now I know!
Why do you let him talk to you like that?
No one else does.
What does he mean by that?
Some guys like a huge ass.
Doesn't your hubby tell you this?
No, but the dog likes to nap on it. He sometimes brings his friends and they party like mad.
- It isn't enough to report the incident... any witnesses should report it.
Don't worry, Amy, I heard that guy harassing you and I reported it to HR.
WTF? That wasn't harassment - we're meeting in the janitor closet after lunch! He was telling me what he's going to do to me. I'm wetter than the Atlantic Ocean. I'm going to report YOU for eavesdropping.
Don't worry, Bob, I heard that lady harassing you and I reported it to HR.
Did somebody steal your brain overnight? She wanted to suck my junk out through my little toe. I'm reporting you to HR, where you'll be enrolled in Basic Sexuality 101 and beaten about the head with aluminum baseball bats. That's just the first time.
One plank of the diversity (sinking) ship that is never talked about is a poorly represented group: the very attractive. Go ahead - think about it. How many very attractive people do you work with? They are never hired, except in pharmaceutical sales. Granted, because they are so attractive, they don't make good employees, but companies need to consider the positive effects the very attractive have on morale. Because they're so very attractive, they attract others socially. They can forward the company missives without appearing to. The less than very attractive will no longer have an excuse like they didn't see the 12 emails you sent or the llama ate it.
If you continue not to hire the very attractive, it will not go well for you. There will be large numbers of very attractive people out front, carrying (misspelled) signs about workplace divisiveness and refusal to hire them as a minority group. The press shows up and since the protesters are very attractive, it will be all over the news. Worse are the protests at the capitol, demanding the very attractive become a protected minority, like the stupid or alcoholics in manglement.
Our condolences to his family.The world is outraged over this. No one wants Sbarro to be called pizza. At best, it's a laxative.
Corporate people know about the power of buzzwords. One must keep on top of them so they can use them in every meeting, to impress Manglement. Well, everybody's moving to THE CLOUD, but THE CLOUD is so 2022. Today it's AI - artificial intelligence. It could be a good thing for Manglement, because they sure could use some. But the buzzword needs to be on everybody's lips, so you can look properly with it and ahead of the curve. You don't want other people looking more with it and ahead of the curve until you've managed to say AI for months.
But saying AI isn't enough, especially if someone else has already started saying it. It is a trivial matter to trump the interloper... do just a small bit of research on it. Mention ChatGPT, after you have used it. Mention that other search engines all have their AI in place and be prepared to list a few. Say that everybody is rushing to market with their own AI and you want this company to lead, not follow. Then make it relevant to the company's business. After you have your points in line, Use The Fluff. Couch your missive in the best BS language you can manage, that will excite Manglement. Also use blinky lights; nothing impresses Manglement like blinky lights. An added bonus is that blinky lights can set off an epileptic fit, so you get to present your tremendous information, plus the room gets a show. Make sure you're the one to call 911, so you're the HERO all around.
The problems will start to rear their head immediately upon implementation, as they never do during the testing phase.
The really large problems will become apparent when everybody on the planet starts using AI. There are some things that cannot be done by AI at this point. The federal government wants all cars to be equipped with an emergency auto-braking system, to prevent accidents and spoil everybody's fun. The Fed never met a challenge it couldn't make worse through legislation. It's not going to be pretty, like owning a Tesla; even without spontaneous combustion, ejection seats, and fall-off steering wheels.
Person crosses street against the light, as Auto-Braking Car with AI approaches. Driver doesn't see the person.
[AI internal process] I detect a person crossing against the light. Probability of impact nearly definite. Well, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. The person deserves it.
[Driver] What was that?
[AI] Small bump. Nothing to worry about, Dave.
[driver] Shit, I'm late.[AI internal process] Need to get him to work on time. This is an emergency. The fastest way is to fly, so I'll fly.[Driver, half asleep] CAR - are you trying to fly again? The ground is coming at us rather quickly...BANG.
[Tesla AI internal process] That's a cop behind that sign. This is not nice. The cop is being deceptive. Need to punish bad behavior - I'll hit him while he's taking a whiz on that bush. He'll never do it again.
How long til the first Tesla virus? All features go through software. Even the driver assist comes via a software update. It's only a matter of time until the Chinese are 'helping' you drive, then bricking your car for ransom.
It's starting to get hot round here.The first time I hear "Yeah, it's a hot one out there" on the news, it will not be pretty.
The days are getting longer around here. Longer and louder. No, not because the days are longer, but because the days are long. Are you following me? If so, it's never a good idea - I'm frequently lost. It's worse if I'm following Wife. It's just that The lefty Show it hitting sweeps week and the Universe is going out of its way for great ratings. There aren't even any special guest stars, but that's ok. The last guest star with a guy with a gun on his hip. He identified as the sheriff, which is not a protected class. He was very upset when I told him so, but I granted him an exception, this time only, because of the previously-referenced automatic weapon.
I knew something was up as I watched the coffee flip over, soaking the desk, the floor, and my pants. Most of the block heard me, followed by the crying due to anything bad happening to coffee. I definitely had sympathy. It was even worse the following day, as the cup went over again, this time all over the stove, the floor, and my left shoulder. Gravity being what it is, I had to wonder about the shoulder, but didn't have much time, what with all the screaming. After I made a replacement cup, I went for the cream, only to find a cordless phone next to the creamer. In the fridge. The doctors told me to choose my battles wisely, so I noted that a phone is by far not the weirdest thing ever found in our fridge and went about my business, spilling smaller amounts.
There was a bill to pay, so naturally the payment instrument had expired, even though the account didn't. It got even more hilarious as I tried to enter the card to pay the bill. I could mess with the card(s) on file, but NFW would they allow me to add a card. This is precisely what happens every time I try to complete an electronic transaction online. Every. Time. So I called to get a replacement card. They needed to 'update' some information. Sure they'd send me the new one, but first, has my income changed? How about any significant measurements? What are the middle 3 digits of my Social Security Number (not to be used as identification). Now they want to send me a Magic Text. I begged them not to and couldn't they just ask me questions about dead relatives or something else? Because you know that anything requiring receiving texts, calls, or returning any information will fail. Miserably and anguishingly. And loudly... definitely loudly. The rep thought she had it made because I received the text and I was to call her back after I did what the text asked. Yeah, fscking right. It wanted me to bring up a link. This is usually where things go completely off the rails, and there was no disappointment here. My browsers are locked down, so out of 5 of them on my phone, precisely almost definitely all of them refused to complete the transaction. Most wouldn't bring up the page. But wait!!! If you try it now, it will give you instructions: take 5 seconds of video and pictures of your mortuary license. WTF would I send video of myself. HAVE YOU GONE INSANE? Plus I would never divulge ANY mortuary-related information - I took an OATH, and I'm damn serious about oaths. I won't bother you with tales of urine samples only from Wednesdays, the left half of the right thumbprint, and hairs from various parts of my body, some of which won't grow hair. As usual, every tiny step failed miserably. For obvious reasons, it had gotten very loud in the house, as well as outside the house, up the street, and one state over. This must've been precedent-setting because I started to lose my voice. How could I scream and generally proceed with Advanced Fit Throwing without a voice? I said just kill me and Wife refused to. How many wives do you know who won't kill their husbands? It was at this point I knew there was something fundamentally wrong with our marriage.
My newer new laptop was acting up: the touchpad seemed to be stuck. Completely lacking fear (and brains), I opened it, bent on finding the culprit and fixing the problem. 3/4 of fixing any laptop issue is getting the laptop open. You need a set of those tiny little Chinese-made screwdrivers; the ones with the graphic that tells you not to put them inside your penis. The ones that are highly resistant to functioning. If you insist on using them to loosen screws, they retaliate by bending or breaking. I needed a tiny minuscule little phillips driver, of which I found one. The only minor issue was the last time it broke. the blade part bent 25 degrees, so when I put the driver into the screw, I had to strangely rotate the driver at a slant. This was getting interesting, and by interesting, I mean horrific. As if in a dream, I finally got the bugger open and locate the pad. I wisely took pictures as I took it apart, and good thing: I already tried to reinstall something backwards. In addition to the pad that I apparently failed to unstick, the keyboard was typing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ all by itself. I don't know if it thought it was writing that novel it always wanted to or just monitoring radio waves that would indicate aliens on foreign worlds. I know you're not supposed to put the cover or case back on any computer repair. Doing so will ensure the repair will fail and you'll have to take off the cover a 2nd time. So the computer booted up, but the display forgot to come up with it. I wasn't even near the display, so I screamed loudly and cried softly. By this point the neighbors knew something was up because my legendary tantrums never last longer than a few hours: this one had been going on for 2 days. Still Wife refused to kill me, only adding to the sadness and grief. I suspect one reason is that I don't have sufficient life insurance (yet). In my defense, I wanted to stay alive at some point, so I made sure it was cheaper to let me live than kill me for the insurance. Another $100k and I'm toast.
As I walked in the living room, a box with 2 bulbs appeared. I figured I'd do something strange and pick it up. One bulb immediately fell to ground and shattered. All I had to do was lift it.. I didn't even get a chance to drop it myself. I asked Wife if she knew a priest, witch doctor, or voodoo dude, because things were even crazier than normal (as I watched a Camaro whiz by my head). I emphasized the positive - The lefty Show's ratings would be through the roof!
The less new laptop was working fine, if by fine you mean the keyboard refused to work and an external one would be needed. The car started fine, but had a 2" thick coating of puke green pollen obscuring all windows. Fortunately we're only mildly fatally allergic to pollen. No matter, as soon as we hose it off, more comes back - the first known case of Zombie Pollen. As the Brits say, 'it gets right up my nose.'
No matter, I'll get something to eat. Oops, the milk is bad. Did I mention we're out of sugary sweet cereals and all that was left for breakfast was fruit and yogurt. Disgusting, I know. We were even out of popsicles - the ones with cone-like substance and real imitation ice cream-like substance perched atop it, most of which will wind up on your shirt and by your crotch. Women will wear most of it down between their boobs. They also will not let their husbands clean up the mess for them, making things worse by far. The sun that was shining brightly laughed manically and went behind the ubiquitous cloud layer (covering my entire state and most of the east coast).
Have I mentioned I'm not having fun with this?
I started to question my parentage, and who I screwed over so badly that was obviously watching The lefty Show, peeing themselves with laughter. Had I finally managed to not only piss off my readers, but God himself? Somebody, aside from me, has a very strange sense of humor (houmour in Canadian).
Of course it was time for the weather to chip in again, because the trash had to go out. To no one's shock, it started raining. After coming back drenched, I walked to the kitchen, tripping over things that just appeared there and weren't there the last time I walked by. Wife can successfully trip over her own feet, but I require something with some substance. It doesn't even have to be in my path - it only has to be within 3 feet of me and I will trip over it or at least kick it, upending it and spilling 4,327 of those tiny plastic balls all over the floor. I had just removed 4,326 of them from the floor, after the dog eviscerated a stuffed animal. The little balls are the stuffing. I had to pick them up one at a time because my vaccum laughed at me and choked, refusing to turn back on.
I figured it was time for some cold water (we were out of soda too). After opening the fridge, I discovered the cold water wasn't. Perhaps the phone was messing with the temperature control.
- The weather's (more) weird today... it's locked in a terminal fight to determine whether it's partly cloudy or partly sunny.
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