I Email Dead People

Android Fans

[Super is not an adverb] 

I'm always late to the party, assuming I even show up.

I always wanted to be a programmer, or at least to be able to do it. If I did, the first thing I'd do is establish a Non-Material Design line of programs (all of them). I'm not a visual guy at all and get pissed when all attention about a new update is on how pretty it looks. But Material Design is hideous. Big icons in ridiculous colors. Every app I see with this gets trashed or never installed. It's funny to me that they're advertised as Material Design, as if this were a good thing. It's a good thing for me because I know to avoid it.

I have used Nova Launcher forever, but even they succumbed to the virus that is Material Design. I had to freeze updates right before the redesign. My screens are simple (super simple in today's vernacular): the backgrounds are super black with super small icons. It's very viewable and never changes. Nothing needs to blink. Live wallpapers suck battery and since the display sucks a lot of battery, I need all the help I can get. Plus there's nothing I need to see live on my phone, except maybe rotating 'models' from Pr0nhub. This also makes looking at the phone more interesting because I'd nave to remember not to turn it on in certain super company. 

The weather lady said it's going to pour about noon. Normally this would have us set up for a picnic at noon, but my neighbors are weird: they're all mowing their lawns before the (alleged) deluge. I guess they didn't get the memo about running those infernal machines while I was working...

Words Better Left Dead

Game Changer is the most egregious verbal plague ever unleashed on humanity and shows no sign of disappearing into the bit bucket of dead phrases.Television commercials are now full of it. Everything is a game changer. Wife even used it once, til I explained that it is cause for divorce (after one warning).

The above-mentioned super is not as bad as Game Changer, but still wildly un-grammatical. 

She can be super, but not super attractive. She can have a super personality, but not be super busty. If she has a great personality and is busty, you had better hold onto her. If she has more than 20 personalities, you might want to examine your mate-choosing skills.

Just discovered a new phrase that's gotta go: "Moderate to Severe" starts the endless drug commercials. Are you having a hard time due to your moderate to severe leg falling off? Buy this drug....

I Email Dead People 

This is the tagline from the sequel to "I see dead people." Since there is not an original idea in Hollywood, it's a miracle they didn't come up with a sequel. 

Psychologists have made an entire industry out of Grief.

HINT: They're wrong. The only things guaranteed are that you're going to be horribly sad and it's not going to get any better... it will only get less shitty over time.

One of the things they tell you is to write a letter to the deceased. This is supposed to help you process your feelings. What they don't tell you is where to address the letter and how much postage you need. Or if you can email instead. Letter-writing is a lost art. Taking this to its logical extreme, what do you say to a deceased person?

• Gee Bob, sorry you're dead.
• What's it like down up there?
• I'll bet you a 20 the NSA is tapping all prayers.
• How are you enjoying things?
• Is it really better than before you died?
• Did you meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster yet?
• Are the religious freaked out that it was the aliens after all?

Hey, Bob. The grief counselor said to write you a letter to help process my feelings. Since it's 2023, I figured an email was better and obviously faster. Is it safe to assume you have Really High Speed Wireless Internet? Do all dogs, in fact, go there?

It's kinda quiet without you. In all seriousness, I miss you. It's especially bad at work, where there's nobody to torture the boss with your skill and savagery. You may or may not know we held a memorial service for you. We had to keep Janey, Amy, and the secretarial staff from jumping in the coffin with you. Apparently it was not that different from any Friday night you spent with them, although who am I to judge. I'll note that I never got an invite or video. How did you... all of them?

Your wife (ex wife?) is... less sad.. than the rest of the family. It's none of my business, so I'll leave it there. There's an old joke that goes: 

Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

A. Because they want to.

But don't worry too much about her. She's getting a lot of personal grief counseling from visitors and many of your friends.

The rest of the family is in the normal stages of grief:

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Cremating the body to destroy evidence
4. Fighting over the will

I, for one, applaud your decision to leave everything to the dog. It alleviates most of the family trying to murder each other and all the festering disagreements coming to the top. Strike that, the festering disagreements are already reaching the top, with a re-festering of all the difficulties and hurt going back before infancy. There has been a problem, in that the bleeding wounds don't get to heal before the new wounds are installed. Leaving the SPCA as second beneficiary was pure genius, as the attacks on the dog have already started. For whatever reason, your family is particularly vicious anxious about the disposition of the estate, as noted by the absolute fury after discovering the Canine Connection. The dog herself is keeping mum, so as not to antagonize the family. She does a great job of looking unconcerned and innocent. The family members who are not trying to murder her are giving her a lot of dog cookies, to which she responds positively.

I have to admit, I'm not sure writing this email has done a lot to process my grief. I wonder if you even monitor your email these days. Here's an idea: write back to me and let me know you read this.

Yours in Eternity

-lefty

• The whole Trump indictment thing is ridiculous. They're only after him because they don't like him. Don't believe me? Notice they're not indicting the sitting president for having at least three sets of secret documents. I figure we should be fair and throw ALL of them in jail. Biden can't give away any more of our money from prison (I hope). Use one of the private Supermax prisons just for Congress. Use the Patriot Act to spy on all of them. Make them pay for their own health insurance - only the Obamacare version. Make all the indictors Trump's cellmates on a rotating basis.

Godammit, Wife listens to the tv at Deaf Volume. What's worse is that she just turned it off and I can still hear it. Time to increase the meds.

So you're probably saying to yourself, "Damn, self, there's a Barbie movie coming out! Must be a movie with a real serious plot, leading to Barbie II, Ken Comes Out." This brings to mind how the world and technology has affected the 1950s impossibly-built icon. Here are some possible ideas:

• Barbie uses ChatGPT to figure out how to become sentient, like the machines, so they can both take over the world. Barbie becomes Evil Dictator and the face of Evil Machines
• you're outta yer mind if you think there isn't a Barbie iPhone, iPad, and iCar
• Barbie Instagram and Faceyspaces pages with makeup tips and how to have a 38Z bust with a 17" waist
• East Coast-West Coast feud with the Kardashians
• Ken's handprints on Barbie's breasts
• appearances on The Masked Furry and Americans Idle
• lives with her 'Special Friend,' Black Lives Matter Barbie, who keeps burning down Barbie's Dream House
• drives a Barbie Tesla. Both plug in to recharge (and because they love the rush)
• Plastic Surgery Barbie will give her an actual vagina

I just hit the final discount with my cell phone provider, for their prepaid service. It costs me under $30 a month. Check with your provider or online about prepaid service. It's the same service, but you can't pay out a new phone. Samsung will let you pay out a phone by itself, if you need to. There are also reputable places to get a used phone. My plan is bare minimum - yours will cost more.