Your love is like dumpster sushi
With all we've done to the planet, it might be trying to get even with us.
I read about a sea lion that liked to surf. Now there's a sea otter that munches on and steals surfboards.
It starts with surfing - it always does. But it then extends to whales swimming along kayaks. Shark attacks. Fish-stealing sharks. Then the dolphins leave and say "Goodbye and Thanks for all the Fish." What's next - squirrels that steal cars? Cats that break into nuclear facilities and refuse to operate them? Sloths that operate public transit? (oh, too late, sorry) It took me a while to figure this out. As soon as we hit Mars, we angered Marvin the Martian. Rather than make us disappear with his Q32 Explosive Space Modulator, he's teaching the animals to upset the order of things. Don't forget - Space Council got together and shook their heads at what we've done to Earth and are making sure we never leave the planet to spread our disease. Every alien on every planet has a vested interest in keeping us quarantined to Earth. This is what the government is not telling us about UFOs.
Today I identify as nose hair
Let's see... first there were batteries in tablets catching fire on planes, then Teslas, and now e-bikes. I'm beginning to think there's an issue with lithium-ion battery technology. Well yeah, it lasts longer, but it does have that niggling little issue with bursting into flames....
President Giveaway never rests! The overages for the most recent subway work were in the high millions, but New York forgot to say anything about it. Every cliche about union work in New York applies.
Completely not related were the deaths in Philadelphia. The recent tornado warning had everybody in their basements. Except Philly, half of which died trying to get a selfie with the tornado.
Great for the child, bad for privacy.
Email, Faceyspaces, Nintendo, phones, the web, the dark web, Xbox, your car, emergency services in your car... the FBI is there!
A Tale of Two Boobs
A long time ago, in a universe before male pattern baldness, I found myself smitten by a petite lady. We quickly became attached at the hands. Then the waist, boobs, and Naughty Bits. One night she wanted to talk. This is a phrase that comes before bad news, natural disasters, and world wars. Nothing good has ever been said after 'we have to talk.' Shaking in my sneakers, I decided to play it cool. Unfortunately I've never been cool in my life and had no frame of reference for it. So I just sat there, with my entire body shaking, failing to sit there and not shake. I was done for - I knew it. I thought back over the last few days... had I forgotten her birthday, our anniversary, or the exact number of days we had been together? How much my money became her money, as her money remained hers? Nope, I was clear. I even remembered her parents' birthdays.
"Honey, know how I've always been sensitive of my small titties?"
Ummm.. yes?
"I want a boob job."
Nooooooooooooooooo. I love all of you, including your A's. You have given me an appreciation for small boobies.
"But I want one. You didn't have to live through puberty with mosquito bites and the teasing that came with them."
But I appreciate them. I appreciate you. Any change would be messing with perfection.
[Go ahead, tell me how many men say this to their significant other.]
"You think I'm perfect?"
There is no dissuading me. You are the reason men create art and go to war. Why mess with a force of nature? No one could improve on perfection.
"I love you, but I'm getting new boobies."
Well, as least you discussed it with me, with an open mind. cough cough.
Fast forward many days, when the bandages finally came off. "Do you like them?"
Ummmm... did you go to the guy you were talking about - the top guy in the city?
"Errr, no. I saved a lot of money at Dr. Bob's Fly By Night Body Implants and Used Cars."
Oh my god.
"What?"
Look at them.
"Yeah, they're C's. Don't you love them?"
No. Remember I said no one can improve on perfection?
"Yes, but I didn't think you were serious."
You really need to take me more seriously. Don't you see anything amiss?
No - I finally feel really beautiful.
You mean the throngs of guys who hit on you everywhere we go don't think you're beautiful?
"They're just guys."
Look at me: three black eyes defending your honor.
"Yeah, but you're supposed to do that - you're my boyfriend."
LOOK at them.
"I like them."
Honey, the nipples point in different directions, like people with eye problems. When you talk to me, I don't know which one to stare at. There IS a difference in plastic surgeons. Always pay for the best, lest something like this happen. You can't take them back.
"My back hurts for some reason."
No doubt from carrying those saline funbags around all day.
"Oh. I never thought of that."
You also never thought of my reaction to all of this. When you were totally natural, I never had any trouble playing with my friends.
"Yeah" [faraway look]
Now I know there are water bags inside and I'm afraid if I grab them too hard, they will explode. It is going to drive a wedge between us.
"You'll get used to them."
I love when people tell me this. If you have to get used to something, it's not right in the first place. They told me I'd develop a taste for beer. Here it is, 20 years later, and I still hate beer. How long does it take to get used to it? Will the new sweater puppies take that long?
"You''re just being silly."
How can you say that? I've barely let go of them since we met. They're my area of specialty. I'm a Subject Matter Expert (SME). When I'm not holding them, I'm dreaming about them. This has become a real problem when I'm driving.
"Well, you better enjoy them, cuz they're not coming out. By the way, we have to go bra shopping tomorrow."
[internally] Bras can't cost that much, can they?
[outside voice] Honey, you're petite. You look like a stick figure with watermelons trying to escape to say hi to everybody.
"I did it for You."
Me? How did you do it for me when I begged you not to?
"I figured you would really like them."
If I don't, will you take them out? Or at least have the nipples aligned so they're both looking in the same direction?
"You're not very nice."
I didn't have my body altered then blame it on you. By the way, you know how you jump up and down when you're excited? Don't do that anymore; you'll take out an eye.
It's 2:00 in the morning, we're in bed, and I wake up feeling uneasy. She's sleeping, so I'm the only one awake. What's wrong.... oh.... no..... oh no.. They're LOOKING at me. Or rather, one of them is looking at me. I can't see where the other one is looking but I know it's not at me. This is most disturbing. They never looked at me before, why now? Are they trying to find out what I'm up to when I sleep? Are they talking to me and trying to find out if I hear them? Do they detect alien craft 1,000 miles above the planet? It's damn creepy. I can't sleep here anymore. I'll know they're keeping a nipple... an eye on me. The operation is keeping me away from the things that I love. Both of them.
"Good morning."
Don't you 'good morning' me. Do you have any idea what's been going on here at night? They're staring at me.
"They like you. They're just making sure nothing bad happens to you. They're quite protective."
Are you still taking those pain pills?
"I threw them away."
You didn't confuse them with your birth control pills, did you?
"No, I wouldn't do that. Would I?"
Look, I'm going out guitar shopping. In Mexico. If I'm not back in an hour, go bra shopping without me.
"What if you're not back in 24 hours?"
I'm shacked up with a hot bilingual Latina with a taste for sarcasm. And 34 A's.
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