Your love is like Dolly Parton's bra: it just gets in the way and takes all the fun out of life
Don't you hate it when that happens?
Today I identify as a brown tuba
Basically everyone at this point. But developer Easy Healthcare has promised to stop
...the Bible's “incest, onanism, bestiality, prostitution, genital mutilation, fellatio, dildos, rape, and even infanticide" should make it illegal in schools under Utah's book-banning laws.
I want to hang out with this parent.
I got a new boss.
I almost cried when the old one said she was moving. She tolerated me very well, which is a high compliment.
The new boss turned out to be ok. He's even-tempered, personable, and I get the impression he's available to help. Unfortunately it looks like he is the one who needs help. Of course he is - he's making more money than the team, so he's guaranteed to know next to nothing. It's not like he doesn't know the topic - he just doesn't know what his department does. This is called the Peter Principle: everybody rises to the level of their own incompetence. Let's say you're really good at fixing computers. You wander around at work, fixing things. You do so well, you're promoted to Networking. 3 years later, you're the head of Networking. Since you did such a fantastic job in hardware and software in Networking, it's obvious that you should be leading your own department in network security. No, you won't actually be doing any technical work, you'll be Managing. Or as we call it, Manglement. That's the level of your own incompetence. So "Bob" is now our manager. Bob likes to have meetings. The great thing about our last manager was that there was a meeting if we needed one. Since we rarely needed one, there were very few meetings. It was such a pleasant change from my last employer, who had meetings for the purpose of scheduling more meetings.
So Bob schedules meetings. The next day he says, "Sheesh, so many meetings here, damn." This is kinda like Satan complaining about the heat Down There. We think we decoded things, though. Somebody from another department will ask a question. Bob will call a meeting to discuss it. When I say Discuss, I mean learn about it. You just know he's sitting there, scribbling on his little Post-Its with his little crayons and his tongue hanging out. It's adorable. Or it would be adorable, if he wasn't doing it to us. Maybe we'll get him some new crayons when the holidays come around. Then we'd have a meeting about replacing the old crayons.
We're getting some new software. Important money-saving software. It's a huge project and I somehow found myself on the team. This makes no sense because the people on the team are very smart. I have a picture of my dog. So Bob and I went to training. It was quickly established that everybody else in the class was already using the software. Except us. So there went an awful lot of money on training. Bob is not one to worry about trivialities like not having or knowing how to use the software. He just calls more meetings. When word gets out about the new software (that is STILL not in place, after 25 meetings), other departments start doing things that really annoy us: asking questions and making demands. You know what's coming, right? Bob wants to hold a meeting to discuss this with each department. We may all work remotely, but you can feel the collective groaning. Ever the voice of unreason, I suggest maybe we keep our mouths shut and not make any promises, especially as the software still hasn't made it to the server. Bob sat and thought about it for a while, then decided maybe I had a point (on the top of my head). Then Bob got his Big Idea<tm>. We'd have a .... get ready for it.... meeting(!) with our other departments to go over what the new software does. Again I make the mistake of trying to make sense:
Uh.. Bob?
Yes, lefty?
May I respectfully suggest we hold off on this Grand Meeting to End All Meetings for a week or 5, until we've actually touched the software? Or looked at the box it came in? If we had to do all sorts of slides with blinky lights to explain what the software does, all we'll be doing is giving a sales presentation. We can take the training slides and pretend they're ours. Then get the slides from Sales.
You might have a point there.
If they ask us any questions, it won't go well. We know as much about the system as they do, that is to say 'nothing.' I don't think anyone will get too bent out of shape or feel it's a personal slight that we don't have a meeting with a presentation with blinky lights until... I dunno... we have a farging CLUE as to what we're doing? We could promise them everything the marketing department promised US, and won't we look silly(er) when we can't do any of it.
You're right. I'll have a chat with my boss and put this off til later. Maybe I can schedule a meeting with him.
[Next Day]
So who wants to present at the meeting?
The meeting you agreed should take place after we've seen something more than the reviews on Amazon?
Um, yeah.. I met with my boss, who said we should go ahead.
Did you guys meet over whisky and blunts? Cuz she's a pretty reasonable person. I could present on the tuba, but I can't play the tuba, I don't know what it does, and who doesn't hate the tuba (except the fat kid who always winds up playing it)? Ever see a left handed tuba? Me either. I guess I can't effectively present on it.
[Presentation]
So, Let's Talk Tuba [blank stares, tongues reaching down to the desks].
The tuba looks like this [slide of a giraffe] but is much heavier than it appears. It's made of metal - very shiny metal. In fact, tuba players spend more time buffing and shining their tuba than actually playing it.
This isn't so bad, because the tuba only plays 2 notes, like the bass in every country music song. Think OOM-PA.
The metal is brasslike in color and goes around the player in all sorts of bendy ways. The pitch of the note is changed by squeezing the nipples in different ways: softer for lower notes, harder for higher notes. This also explains why tuba players never get dates. Even cows run when tuba players approach.
And that's my presentation. If there are any questions, set up a meeting with Bob. We'll get the whole team in there for at least 2 hours. BYOB.
lefty, what's the circumference of the inside of the tuba?
Yes. Next question!
Is it difficult to play?
No, remember, it's difficult to shine. You'll want one of those professional buffers for cars.
Do you use wax?
No, I use KY.
How do I get laid after playing the tuba?
You don't.
Is there some kind of line that might work?
Tell them your equipment wraps around your body a couple of times, just like the tuba.
Gives new meaning to Go Fsck Yourself
When and why did masturbation evolve in primates? A new study provides clues
- Who wants to know?
- Who's paying for the study?
- Does it have anything to do with cow farts?
- Why? Because female primates had headaches.
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