- Don't miss Real House Ho's of Camden, New Jersey, this week on all channels.This week's live event has been pre-empted because the entire cast went to jail for crack, but don't worry - we have years of reruns for you!
Yeah, I had trouble with Google. And Microsoft.. I hate MS, but MS hates me back. I have trouble with a lot, and most of it isn't even my fault. The other day was my turn to be tortured by Amazon.
Amazon is an animal of a different tread type. I always buy from Amazon as a last resort: in case anybody else can't sell something to me. Let's face it - Jeff Bezos doesn't need my money. Jeff Bezos doesn't need any money - he's set for 157 reincarnations, provided he remembers where he left his stash when he comes back. And that he comes backas a person, not a rhinoceros. Imagine coming back as a rhino and not being able to be the richest man on the planet. Again. If nothing else, he'll be the richest rhino on the planet, but who knows if there's any satisfaction in that. At least when he tells his drivers to pee in a cup, he'll have an idea of what he's talking about.
Amazon is also coming close to the top of the list of Online Pains in the Ass. Most people simply order from Amazon. Not me - I have to log on, for which I try to leave a 3 day weekend or 2 week vacation from work. Most people simply put in their login and password. As we know, I'm not most people. I put in logon and password, then it asks me to accept a one-time text. If it's a one-time text, why do they send it to me every time? So I figure I'll play along, like I have any choice. I wait for the text. And wait. And wait, all the time telling Amazon how I feel about it in great detail. 15 minutes later, the text shows up, with my Secret Number. The only problem is that the Secret Number Spot has expired and I have to have them send me a Triple Secret Number, just to log on. Bezos wants to know I'm certain about giving him my money before he lets me do it. I'm not sure why Most People don't have to prove their determination to give him their money, but there's just not enough time in the day to ponder this. After all, I have to spend entire days trying to login to Amazon.
After entering my Triple Secret Number the site regretfully lets me on. I can hear it groaning as I navigate to my first page in my mad shopping spree. It's always a mad spree at Amazon, because I never knew if I'll be allowed to log on. The first thing I look for is always unavailable. This used to be terribly aggravating, so now I look up floral print mouse cozies, which they won't have (Etsy?), then go on to the other things on my list. The second item will turn up two of the same item, priced $20 apart. After spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what the difference is and finding none, I finally realize the item that's $20 more is for people who don't want to spend $20 of their time looking for a difference. And one of the parts is always yellow in the cheaper choice (even if it's a car part).
When finished, the shopping cart will be nowhere on the page to go to checkout, so you have to randomly click the mouse until you get there, while singing the Malaysian national anthem, standing on your left foot. If, by mistake, you manage to get to checkout, your brain will explode with the sheer number of choices, none of them involving checking out. You will also be happy to learn your state has reached into your pocket (again) and decided sales tax applies to Amazon, Ebay, and anything else you buy online, offline, in stores, and everywhere else. If you buy lemonade from the kid down the block, it gets taxed, not to mention Bureau of Licenses and Inspections inspecting the stand for cleanliness and to see if the lemons are near the blue color everybody else uses for lemonade. And has the little bastard paid his parents occupancy and real estate taxes for the stand and his little brother for any unpaid labor. There will be NO under the table in this state, I can tell you that.
We were in luck, or so I thought, because we had a gift certificate. Somewhat less lucky was the lack of choice of where the gift certificate came from. We put in the number and it told us there was no such thing and try a different number. Yes, there more definitely IS such a thing, as I just finished typing it in, you sons of camel-dropping merchants. But I'm a team player (assuming it's not Team Amazon, apparently) and put the number in again with predictable results. Then it occurred to me.. this is why he's the richest man in this solar system: he sells gift certificates that you can't redeem. After a while you just get so fed up that you pay again, Every time you click PAY, Bezos gets another roll of solid gold toilet paper.
But WAIT. Wait? WAIT. Wait? Of course, WAIT. The credit card is no good. Ok, I'll put in another one. Annnnnd Amazon doesn't like this number either. After the 3rd time I have become the 2nd person in Amazon's history to be locked out of putting in a new credit card for 15 minutes. At this point, everything STOPS. I start to wonder about the origin of the planet and solar system, of which Bezos is the richest inhabitant. The Big Bang turns out to be a good idea, so long as it bangs Amazon. It turns out the 15 minutes is also genius, being a ploy to get you to shop for more while waiting for the 15 minutes to be over. After waiting, it still doesn't like the new card but it will let me modify the original expired card, which was what I needed to do in the first place. Gee, isn't Amazon shopping fun, quick, and elegant? Ok, maybe not fun. Definitely not quick. Yeah, elegant either. By the time everything's through, the shopping cart developed a hole in it and all my purchases fell out, as did my patience with Amazon. The only thing left was to text me a Triple Secret Code to finalize the purchase. Now you know the real reason why I shop Amazon last.
- Cats have 9 lives until shopping at Amazon. After that, they're lucky to have one.
LexisNexis Is Selling Your Personal Data to ICE So It Can Try to Predict Crimes
ICE uses LexisNexis to track people's cars, gather information on people, and make arrests for its deportation machine, according to a contract.
Your government. Your tax dollars. To spy on you.
Australia officially closed. Anyone living there can stay there.
You can't even sunbathe without some dog-looking thing come up and biting you. The dingo was euthanized because it had done this before. Apparently they have to bite a certain number of times before they're considered dangerous, like the American prison system. A call to Australia was made, but we were unable to get an answer to how many attacks constituted danger. Next: SHARK WEEK!
Dingo1: eh, boy, ya better watch yeself.
Dingo2: Whyzat?
Dingo1: You've already bitten 2 vacationers - you become dangerous when you hit three. And we know what happens to dangerous dingos, right?
Dingo2: [intake of breath] The needle!
But there's good news.... viewership for Americans Idle is through the roof!
I feel these 2 things are related somehow...
In completely absolutely unrelated news, get ready for the new movie Death Race 2023
- Watch Ultimate Spiderman, in which Spidey lands on a plant and gets eaten by somebody's cocker spaniel.
After careful post-game analysis, it is said the ill-fated Titan underwater craft would have done better if it were never actually put into water. UC Berkeley said it was ok, so long as none of the passengers or crew were Jewish.It turns out the sub went ahead with its mission after every single person who had even seen a picture of a sub said it wouldn't work.
Teenager on sub took Rubik's Cube to break record, mother tells BBC Only cube partial solving under water before compressed to nothing.
Texas airport worker dies after being sucked into Delta plane engineNTSB experts advised tarmac workers to avoid getting sucked into engines. |
All the uncertainty of driverless cars, plus hundreds of feet in the air!
also: reducing weight lowers risk of being fat
I think my office has its own weather system. I work there from 9-5 daily, and it's always different in there than the rest of the house (Aliens!). Lately it seems hot and ridiculously humid. Not only are my papers limp and soggy, so are my pens. My little air conditioner coughed, sputtered, and said "NOT TODAY." The little clouds up near the ceiling are adorable and Wife wants to do matching curtains.
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