Half a Dozen Provocative Squats

Your love is like   chewing marbles

I think I have an answer to the destruction of the rainforest and the climate. Make junk mail illegal. No more trees cut down for mailers and no more carrying useless mail. If I got paid for my Brilliant Ideas, I'd be so rich, there would be no need to blog. The doctors tell me blogging is very healthy. They have no idea what I'd get up to if I didn't.... and they'd rather not know.

Today I identify as  a soccer team (football in England). My pronouns are it and they.

England has undergone a related emergency with the Queen's passing. There are not enough silly hats for the funeral. As mentioned here, British women would wear a horse on their heads, if they thought their necks would support it. Cue the Ministry of Silly Hats.

My coffee thermos cups are gone, except one. 

I have no idea.

I do the dishes, so I know they haven't been washed.

I don't have a conspiracy theory or even a normal theory as to where they've gone. But since I'm typing, I'm developing one. In the back of my mind. Where the dangerous stuff lives. Even though I have no filters, this stuff never sees the light of day.

I have no way to verify this, but I feel they're not going with the socks, pens, or flashlights. Maybe the flashlights. I see the flashlights when they're purchased and when they need batteries - no idea where they are in between. They're definitely not around when the lights go out. The coffee cups don't generally disappear, except maybe one, which tends to end up in a car, under a seat, with all sorts of new life inside. When I open it up to wash, it explodes, setting the new life upon me. No one owns up to this, but I don't get out much, so....

But this is an almost complete failure to exist. Unless they're all under the car seat, which I don't want to imagine. The hazmat team will have to come out. Again. They threatened to start charging us. We have two free per year, which barely covers January.

I could inquire into a Contigo Finder, but I'm going to go ahead and take a guess there's no such thing. I could build one, except I can't. Anything I build has a tendency to look like a really bad thing, with wires coming out in all directions. It also doesn't work. If it has more than two parts, it's a guarantee I'll put one in backwards. I could print up fliers and put them up on telephone poles, but that will involve another city agency with which I do not want to interact. 

The only intelligent idea I had so far was to check with pr0nhub.com, but I'll have to wait til late at night, when they have their best ideas. I think I might have something, in the left handed guitar store. I hear they're really great people and if I buy a guitar (or four), they'll buy me some Contigos. This sounds like my best bet. Oh, wait - the mortgage company disagrees. I could ask the dog, but she holds things pretty close to her furry belly, and says little. She does like coffee, though. Nah - she'd just leave them all over the floor, like her toys. My emotional support elephant, Iqbal, has pledged neutrality; like Switzerland, but without the chocolate or freezing temperatures. I could ask my girlfriend, but having a girlfriend would be hazardous to my health.

Crap. I was hoping to avoid this, but my only remaining hope is to ask Wife. I'm not going to like the answer. 

• I dunno
• I put them all in the sink (but they disappeared again)
• why is it always MY fault?
• why do YOU always lose the car keys?

At this point, I have to declare total loss: it's just cheaper to buy more of them. We've gone through 47 of them this year.

While I'm typing this, Wife is watching some cooking contest show. As if that weren't bad enough, she's not taking my polite hints to change the channel (DAMMIT - THAT SUCKS. ISN'T THERE anything ON TV NOW?). I've heard enough lisps to keep a Ru Paul show going for an entire season. So far I've heard about 213 ingredients, only one of which sounded good (anything starting with butter cream). The contestants are so self-absorbed, we could be watching The Bachelorette. Can't we get one of those tvs that only broadcasts to one listener? TV canceling headphones?

I'd probably get on one of these shows. My goal would be to have at least one of the judges hang themselves. Or at very least, self-harm. Ok, 2 hanging, 1 shooting.

Judge: Aren't you going to plate that?

Me: I did. I put it right there on the plate.

Judge: But presentation....

Me: Look at me. Do I look like presentation matters?

Judge: But.. but.... you haven't even drizzled anything over it.

Me: Drizzled? That's where a lesser cook pours something over food because the food isn't good enough by itself.

Judge: I don't think you're getting this.

Me: Of course I am. Taste it. Good, right?

Judge: I'd put a tinge more orange in it.

Me: I haven't put any orange in it. You don't mix fruit with chocolate, you Philistine.

Judge: It tickles my tastebuds in an almost obscene way.

Me: I rest my case.

Judge: But it still looks like a lump of mud.

Me: Go eat your orange glasses. No one wears orange after April, and no one wears orange glasses.

[gunshot]

Me: One down, two to go.

It's PENIS TIME!

A Urologist Used an Electric Truck to Power a Vasectomy

Billed insurance extra for the truck

Why Does This Keep Happening: Another Teen Got a USB Cord Stuck Up His Penis

• it's the natural successor to "how did that lightbulb get up your butt?"
• My prostate is USB-compatible and I can check its health, if I put it in the right hole
• just wanted to see if it would fit
• it only takes me 20 minutes to recharge this way
• because I can

New York returns $19m worth of stolen art to Italy

Italy called New York last week and said it would like to visit. It told New York to return the stolen art or there would be no New York left to visit, capiche?

Pakistan politicians label government cybersecurity team 'incompetent'

You have to admire brutal honesty, even if it's a stupid statement to make out loud.

In the US, nobody would say anything out loud, then Biden would give them billions of dollars.

 If you think about it, the charges are being made by politicians, who can't be relied upon to turn their computers on correctly.

After Biden gave chip manufacturers $50 billion, you're asking yourself how he could top that. I'll tell you: he wants to give them a 25% tax credit on new fabrication. I'm proud to be American, where so much money is taken from me in taxes, that the country can afford to give billions away to business. And this is the stuff the democrats call the republicans on. Two sides of the same broken coin.

Brazil told Apple it cannot sell phones that don't come with chargers.

Apple went into a 2 week tizzy (not to mention a petulant frenzy). As a result, you are no longer allowed to say the word Brazil in any Apple facility. Grown men, running around pulling each other's hair out. It wasn't pretty.

I think it's a great idea. Unfortunately, Brazil didn't think this all the way through. Apple may wipe them off the map and put a giant slave-labor iDevice plant there. Remember Africa? It used to be green, with a thriving economy and there were no poor. Until the day an African minister said something about using all android phones in his country. Look at it now. Even the animals are dying off. But at least there will be ivory iPhones. For a while, anyway......

I love Brazil, especially the ladies. Except for the ones who have derrieres four times the width of their chests. Yes, it's ok to like small or normal sized butts.   Adriana Lima is from Brazil. Many Victoria's models are from Brazil. If that's not a reason to visit, what is? Gisele Bundchen. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting stunningly beautiful women in Brazil. What do they do with the ugly ones, you ask? They work in the Apple factory.

Cloudflare, a huge online security service, submitted to pressure and dropped service to Kiwi Farms, a site that promotes harm to minorities. This is absolutely unprecedented. Usually an ISP (Internet Service Provider) gets targeted to stop service to an allegedly objectionable site. This is a dangerous precedent. It's worse than blaming a newspaper for a classified ad they publish. The site drop was initially denied, but a large internet campaign, including death threats, changed Cloudflare's minds.

Assuming Kiwi Farms threatens or encourages harming people, they should be dealt with by their ISP. This is not covered by the First Amendment. But threatening Cloudflare is not the way to go about it and is downright whiny and juvenile; in other words, par for the course these days. What happens when a group doesn't like the next sort of internet traffic? Not illegal, but objectionable.

Threatening Cloudflare is ballsy (and stupid). They are huge. It's like some of the Trump-inspired lunatics threatening the FBI. Anonymous threats. Kiwi Farms, to their (dis)credit, has spent the last 48 hours doxxing and swatting people. This is also intolerable.

Asked about the Queen's death, President Biden said, "America grieves with you, Britain, on the death of Queen Elton." Biden then approved $23 billion in aid, saying that it was a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the money he's given away.  The Secret Service rushed to his ear and said, "Wrong queen, Boss."

I just got an email notification warning that Diana Ross and Boy George are appearing this weekend at a local venue. I suppose they'll perform their greatest hits...

• Ain't No Mountain High Enough to Make Me Miss You Blind
• I'm Coming Out
• Touch Me in the Morning and I'll Tumble 4 Ya
• I'm Gonna Make You Love Me (and I Really Want to Hurt You)

It's a shame I have to pluck my ear hair this weekend...

Too fat to fight! Four star general says Americans are too obese or criminal to join the armed forces and defend the country: Enlistment is at its lowest since after the Vietnam War

Too fat?

It's not our fault - body fat standards have gone up, so we're merely obese now.

Criminal?

The man is saying that we have less scruples than the entire military. We should get a trophy or something.

I'd avoid Vietnam references, because it shows people might have gotten wise to the fact they're expendable.

It's always nice getting together with my friends. They talk about their kids. Some have grandkids. I make sure to tell them Penny brought me a dead mouse the other day.

What to watch? 

A. "I realized I had to pick up my intestines because they were hanging out of me"

     - or -

B.  "Hi, it's me again. I'm here to talk to you about your Medicare Part C..."

this is a tough one, and there is no correct or good answer.