Dead people. Financial crap. Losing my best friend. Existential Agita. Suicidal phones, a severe lack of new guitars (exactly zero, more or less) and a wife with more than several people's shares of ill health. Due to my work probation, I can't kill anybody til next year. Windows is still popular. Aside from that, it's been a peach.
But it was not all bad. There were many positives.... like.. ummm... no... or... then there was... that was something else... no.. wait... oh yeah, a new furry little girl, who can apparently cause things on shelves 5' high to fall to the floor so she can eviscerate them.
Let me be thankful:
No one hit the car.
I'm employed.
I still (almost) have my health.
The tic has mostly gone, but still scares people off.
I gained approximately 1.5 readers. And 10 pounds.
ThermionicEmissions had 100% uptime (Google assured me).
Mandatory Pitch
For many people, this time of year sucks eggs (or worse).
If you're one of them, reach out. Friends, professionals, religious leaders...
If you're depressed... suicidal... bipolar.... addicted...
You don't HAVE TO feel this way.
Stigma is a thing of the past. "Man Up" is ridiculous. But you can't get help unless you ask for it.
If you're really desperate, please write me via a comment (that won't be published).
If any of you harm yourselves, that's one less reader, ok?
Other Mandatory Pitch
My goal for next year is 16 readers and a comment or two. Tell your friends. Better yet, tell people you don't like. Tell your pets (they're a lot smarter than you give them credit for). If you're still speaking, tell your spouse. Tell whoever you boinked recently. Tell your priest: there's a lot of Vatican news here. Tell college students.. they'll start a war to get this blog shut down... think of the publicity!
Because I'm feeling miserable and maudlin (great band name), here are some musicians (and people) who flew the coop in 2018:
Roy Clark - Hee Haw star, multi-instrumentalist
Paul Allen - owner of a Jimi Hendrix guitar, philanthropist, helped establish Experience Seattle, co-founder of Microsoft
Burt Reynolds - best known for his rugs and as the guy who got Sally Field in short shorts
Aretha Franklin - Queen of Soul
Robert Mandan (86) actor - SOAP
Barbara Bush (92) - she seemed really nice
Steven Hawking (76) we still don't know how he survived that long
David Ogden Stiers (75) MASH-Winchester, Better Off Dead
Marty Balin (76) Jefferson Airplane
Ed King (68) the man who played the intro to Sweet Home Alabama
DJ Fontana (87) Elvis' drummer
Matthew Mellon (53) banking heir - contrary to expectations, there was no interest
Fast Eddie Clarke (67) Motorhead guitarist
Matt "Guitar" Murphy (88) - Blues Brothers guitarist
Alan Bean (86) - 4th man on the moon
Charles Neville (79) - Neville Brothers
Art Bell (72) - the man who invented paranormal radio
Nokie Edwards (82) The Ventures guitarist
Ingvar Kamprad (91) Ikea founder. Buried without a casket because they couldn't put it together.
Marshall Cocker (13) - aka Muppet Paws; spiritual leader, cat food enthusiast, owner of 2 humans and a bed
My Nerves - shot
Continuing to Fight Life:
John Henry 'Bonzo' Bonham - drummer, alcohol enthusiast
Jimi Hendrix - he played guitar (left handed), his 'equipment' documented by the Plaster Casters, more groupies than Led Zeppelin (combined), most bandmates remain with him.
Frank Zappa - virtuoso composer and guitarist, ate the yellow snow
Joe Cocker - not Feelin Alright
Davy Jones - no longer Monkeying around
The Beach Boys - nobody told them
Scott Weiland - Stone Temple Pilots frontman, bipolar pharmaceutical enthusiast
Allman Brothers - falling like mad
Badfinger - 50% gone, suicide enthusiasts
Motorhead - 66% gone, including a 70 year old still having Jack and meth for breakfast
Electric Light Orchestra - all replaced by Jeff Lynne
Robert Palmer - still in the alley with Sally
Leslie West - leg only
Gary Moore - Still having the blues
Danny Gatton - world's greatest unknown guitarist, shotgun enthusiast
Les Paul - inventor of the electric guitar (and everything else)
Lynyrd Skynyrd - everybody but one
Bee Gees - Barry is nervous
People We Wish Were Dead:
Feel free to leave suggestions
WTF Happened This Year anyway?
A false missile alert in Hawaii, Ron Jeremy was banned from the Adult Video News Awards, Tide Pods became a popular teen snack, California banned straws, we bid hello to Chocolate Frosted Flakes and goodbye to Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows, celebrities continued not to move to Canada after Trump won, it rained a total of 364 days, a man was taken off a plane for farting, Amazon sent sex toys to random people, a Malaysian newspaper featured an article telling how to spot a gay man, "Imma do it like dis Imma gonna do it like dat" graced commercials, Mothers Day cards should be more transgender-sensitive, Nancy Pelosi said politicians can learn something from drag queens, Oprah said she'd run for president if God told her to - God wisely stopped talking to her, a murderer's defense was that acne medicine made him do it, Gun Control movement is too white, super gonorrhea discovered, Starbucks closed its 8,000 stores for racial bias education day, masculinity as a cult, brow bars, facial recognition software discriminates against black people (if serial killers only killed Chinese/Jewish people, someone would say they were being discriminated against), London's gang database is 87% black, Asian, minority, ethnic - rendering it racially discriminatory, a severed snake head can bite, the reason any Americans are poor is they're not working, you can slip and fall on a 6" shower pipe and get it stuck in your rectum.
Don't forget colleges and universities: toxic masculinity, counternarratives around whiteness, you can't say nigger in a free speech class, whiteness is an existential threat to the US, librarians argue that Christians who say God Bless You are Islamophobic, the White Privilege conference, Christians, especially white ones-receive perks, heterosexual privilege, cisgender privilege, able-bodied privilege, unconscious bias, Jesus was a drag queen with queer desires, the wilderness club can't go out because the wilderness is too dangerous, and the No Whites Allowed pool party.
United Airlines had a particularly good year: they dragged someone off a plane, forced a woman to put her dog in overhead-where it died, flew a dog to Germany by mistake, and their 286 IBM PCjr broke, grounding the airline for a week.
- It's not that I fail - it's that I fail to succeed. Every time.
According to Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy), flying is hurling yourself at the ground and missing.
- My friend had an audience with a Serious Dude at a record company today. He texted to let me know he's pooping in XXX Records' bathroom. These are the people you keep with you all your life.
Let's not bitch about that which was: let's bitch about that which will be:
lefty's predictions for 2019
- People will do stupid shit on their computers, continuing their reign as the weakest link in the security chain.
- Hillary will announce her presidency in about 4 weeks.
- Companies will leave their buckets open, inviting hackers to hack.
- People will say bad things about the president.
- Many many people will bemoan Mondays.
- A famous female music star will have a meltdown.
- The phrase 'hump day' will be used 437.7345 million times.
- I will use the words 'my dog' 265 and a half times
- Half the government will be in litigation against the other half
- California will do something whacky
- Charley Manson will return, spreading his message of peace and love.
- Higher Learning will be less learning and more higher.
- Medical marijuana will become legal across the country
- Most of the country will develop medical issues
- New York will ban packets of sugar
- The San Andreas Fault will be renamed the San Andreas Geological Feature, because California says 'fault' implies blame and hurts feelings.
- The NRA will force another 4 million people to buy guns
- Hockey will continue to discriminate against Asians with Downs Syndrome
- Faceyspaces will get caught leaking personal information. The resulting uproar won't wake an infant.
- Texas will ban cars with engines under 6 cylinders, which would be just about all of them. Except pickup trucks.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!
Thanks muchly for coming by.
No comments:
Post a Comment