Aardvarks with Anvils All in Arizona Around An Alleged Ark

 

Your love is like  peanut butter wanton soup

Keep in mind that we are now past the Groundhog Equinox. This means the days are getting longer. So watch out for .37 extra minutes of clouds and gloom.

• Pakistan: Police hunt for 'healer' who hit nail into woman's head for baby boy
• procedure for female child: cut off head

Today I identify as  a complete set of drink coasters your parents always used, but you threw away because you don't use drink coasters and they were ugly. Now that your parents are gone, you miss the coasters.

• my workplace wants everybody to know we're getting bigger, better printer copiers.
• 95% of us work from home. 

It's human nature, I know. To keep touching the spot the dentist operated on and stitched. If you're supposed to ignore it, your tongue will spend 75% of its time there. I would rather not know, so that area is largely untouched, like the collection of Playboy magazines at Neverland. I know there's no tooth there and would prefer not to. But there are stitches and I think I feel them hanging around, in not particularly attached ways. This disturbs and horrifies me, because I'm terrified of stitches, even after donating a tooth. Don't let anybody tell you there's no difference between male and female dentists: the male dentist pulled a tooth and I barely noticed anything happened. The female seemed to be doing some sort of dance, which calling out the choreography: "To one side, to the other side, to one side, to the other side." I swear when she got it out, she sounded surprised that it came out in one piece, if not at all.

So I had to make an appointment to sit there and go over options for toothal replacement (see, I already speak the lingo). They have some ingenious ways of generating appointment fees.... I think there are three ways of dealing with it:

1. Bridges: it's where several teeth are sorta bound together, but as with all bridges, there's never a toll taker when you need one. If you have more than one bridge, one can take over from the other if one is down. To the best of my knowledge, they do not raise when ships come by.
2. Implants: these are nowhere near as fun as the alien implants. At least you don't know it happened when the aliens do the work. It's a different story when dentists get involved. They bring in all sorts of pneumatic tools, stick some of it in your mouth, install a screw in your jaw, then glue something that looks like a tooth to it. The thought of this makes every single hair on my body stand up and scream NOOOOOOOOOO. Strangely, it is also the most expensive, at about one decent guitar per tooth.
3. I can't remember. Maybe just leaving it alone, leaving you toothless.

My wife has no fear, probably because they're my teeth, but she says implant. Funny, I never said implants to her.....

In the meantime, things are....   different.... in my mouth. There's another spot waiting for a decision. The funny part is that it's in roughly the same spot on the other side, so I can't chew correctly on either side. It's like internal food ping pong with sharp food. Plus I have to manage to miss the stitched side while also missing the other side. I saw a bag of mixed Salty Things tonight. They were all pointy, so I couldn't eat them. So naturally I tried. A mini Dorito can cause as much pain and damage as chewing razorblades. Naturally the sharp end goes right into the stitches.

What do they recommend?  Soft foods.

What, baby food? Meal replacement shakes? Weight Watchers pre-delivered, pre-digested pablum? I'm living off soda, soup, and ice cream, which, I guess, could be worse. For some reason, no straws. Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to be told I can't have my little YooHoo juice boxes? SO I got out my welding torches and accessories, and managed to open the top to drink from, so I didn't use that stupid plastic straw. Necessity is a mother, or something. I guess we all have to be proud of something... most people would be proud of not passing out in the dentist's chair, not throwing up, not complaining about needles. I'm proud I can get to the cold chocolaty YooHoo goodness without the forbidden straw. Unfortunately, more of it winds up on my shirt this way.

Flying AIDS News  

CDC turns to poop surveillance for future COVID monitoring

if the shit fits...

Covid: Australia to reopen borders to international travel

Canada trucker protest: Ottawa declares emergency

Inside the $250 million effort to convince Americans the coronavirus vaccines are safe

Covid-19 vaccines and treatments: we must have raw data, now

Pfizer CEO says two Covid vaccine doses aren't 'enough for omicron'

Moderna’s omicron booster was only as good as current vaccine in monkey study

Kansas medical board faces threats from lawmakers for probing ivermectin use

seriously now - they are not allowing investigation to see if it works. SHE'S A WITCH - BURN HER!

Beijing 2022: Winter Olympics hit by deluge of complaints from athletes 

• freezing conditions, dismal housing
• suspicion that loyalty songs to Chinese leader are not normally sung every morning at 6am at the Olympics
• spy cameras are not catching their best angles
• Chinese condom quality control sub-optimal
• Elaine Chen, American skater, about to steal Olympic business secrets and emigrate to China

I finally did it. I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS hit. Today we somehow managed to get out of the house to visit. It's not that they'd have anything I wanted, but to get out and sort of a symbolic visit. They told me right off the bat there wasn't a single left handed guitar in the store. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch... there sure are a lot of guitars here. On the door was a sign that said due to CDC guidance, masks not required for vaccinated customers. That changes daily, but good for us.

There was a Cracker Barrel on the way home. I see the sign but it still seems like a foreign restaurant to me. Mrs. lefty went once and suggested I de-virginize myself. We checked the menu online... if I were to make a joke about Cracker Barrel, it might start with chicken fried chicken. But no, it's on the menu. After reading through the menu it seemed like a foreign language that used the same words we do. Country ham, sugar ham, down home ham, and everything is fried, even the boneless, skinless chicken (the healthy choice). Chicken fried steak, chicken fried ham, ham fried eggs, egg fried mashed potatoes, and Coke. As much as I could decode from the menu, they seem to speak Southern. Perhaps this is revenge for the war.... Yankees ain't got no breedin'.

Small wonder Wife wanted to go... there's a large store/gift shop in front of the dining room. And there was a bizarre selection of Stuff for sale - everything from car toys to cast iron cookware (the husband behavioral aid). There was a whole half wall of sodas I'd never seen before. The most confusing one was Red Soda. Just Red Soda. WTF is Red Soda? Am I supposed to feel stupid asking? They had Windex soda, which is anything light blue, but it had the good grace to say it was blue cream soda.

Finally pried away from the buyables, we went to get sat. They had a really cool app for the tablet that showed the tables. I thought it was really cool. Off we went. Past the first section. Looking at the second section, into the third section. The hostess looked a little confused, and disappeared into the kitchen for a bit. I looked at Wife and said "This is going to get more difficult, isn't it?" She agreed, but hostess finally returned from her cigarette/line/doobie, still a bit quizzical, and finally sat us in the very rear of the last section. So I'm wondering about the point of the cool app on her tablet. Did it actually show tables, whether they were full, and the waitress, or was it all just for show and to further confuse the staff?

Reading the menu was difficult for me. I'm fairly fluent in english, but remember, this was Southern (or something). I had to keep asking Wife what this or that meant. This was weird too, as Wife has never been south of New Jersey. The menu items were just... not what we generally eat here, generally for health reasons. They did have a rainbow trout dish, which I thought would be healthier, but they deep fried it with deep fries. I decided on meat loaf, because how can you fsck up meat loaf? That was my mistake. When I ask how you can fsck something up, restaurants take it as a challenge.

I want to be fair here; after an hour or so, when the food appeared, it was good. The Coke was good. I tasted a dumpling, which I can safely say I would live just fine without, although I was assured it was a good dumpling.  It was at this point I came up with the one dish they were missing, but would put them over the top: Bacon-Wrapped Ham.

So far the score is Liked It (1), Didn't Hate It (1). You don't know this but Didn't Hate It is actually high praise. I hate everything. They suddenly ran out of everything for dessert, so I had some nice Industrial Vanilla ice cream. On the way out, I tried as best I could to corral all the little spenders, so the non-food bill was only $57. I don't understand it, but she buys large bags and gives them as presents. You'd think they were filled with gold. The entire family is thrilled with a sturdy large bag. And they stop stealing hers. Where am I going with this? Off a cliff. 

I have an extremely vague memory of a chain called Stuckey's in the South. Dan Baird even referenced it in a song (Julie and Lucky).

Oh yeah, Guitar Center had a deck of Elvis playing cards for $20. I don't know whether this came about before or after Chapter 11.

Definitions 

fantasmare: when you give in and fly out to visit your parents. Is it a fantasy or nightmare? Both.                         - contributed by Mrs. lefty

• there I sat, grumbling that the dog had once again failed to take the trash out, when I noticed it was sunny outside. I stopped for a while to let this register. It was difficult. I sat in my office and could see the sun out of the corner of my eye. It was distracting and threw me off my work.
• my coworkers, some in other states, don't understand. Their states get more than two days per week of sun. When I tell them, they look at me like I have three heads. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the way they look at me normally.
• we keep our cameras taped over for safety reasons. Perhaps the safety of the person on the other side, in case they got a glimpse of me.

Stuff, already impossible to find, has taken a new opportunity to confuse. Whereas we had a place for everything, that changed daily, we now have a place for everything, that changes slightly, perhaps by itself, but the data isn't in on that yet.

Unable to find my hand in front of my face to start, this makes things incredibly difficult. Before, stuff used to move by entire rooms or sides of the house. Now it moves a foot or two. It might as well be the entire side of the house, because I still can't find it. Just the other day I went to get something.. I forget if it was toilet paper or head gaskets for an old eight cylinder engine. I was getting ready to shout "Hey, Honey, where are the..." when I moved my head slightly and discovered the item had moved, but only a foot or so, just out of my immediate field of vision. This is not so bad with head gaskets, but potentially catastrophic with toilet paper. Just two weeks ago, toilet paper had moved from a counter display to a floor display. Men are not equipped to deal with this sort of change, and will stand there until either they re-discover it or a spouse comes along to explain it. So now I at least have a head start on finding things. Before I yell "Where is the...." I look within a two foot radius.

Now that I've figured this out, I'll need to work on how it's happening. I know all disappearances and reappearances were the work of Wife. The slight moves could still be the work of Wife, or maybe House. Stuff just happens. Sometimes we don't even bother questioning it. Like the time the bed moved to the basement. Wife can't lift it and it's just not something I'd do. So how did it get there, and why did *I* have to put it back? I guess Bed-Moving Elves could be an answer, as well as a dog who had developed super powers. I just don't get what they get out of it. Maybe they get off on the confusion they create. Poltergeists? Leprechauns? The Cauliflower Marketing Board?

We have to sage the fsck out of this place.

• The US Navy has announced a position for carrier experts, to be paid at a very high level. The candidate will be able to keep track of F-35 aircraft and see they are secured correctly. IF they land.

The USS Bajyma 

Captain: how long has it been?

Mate: a week, Sir

Captain: and still no sight of our target?

Mate: What *is* our target, Sir?

Voiceover: 25 men, aboard the USS Bajyma. Its sacred mission; find the Port of Clitorris. Explore for the good of mankind.

Mate: Oh. I have heard this Port of Clitorris spoken of, but didn't know it was a real place.

Captain: That is what we are going to find out.

Mate: Captain - I think I see it - the Port of Clitorris! After only a few weeks' sail on the Sea of Lubriccasion.

Captain: That's why you get the Big Bucks, Matey. Tie off - we're going ashore!

Mate: I've not seen the likes of this anywhere.

Captain: Aye. (because there had to be an 'aye' in there somewhere)

Mate: What are your orders?

Captain: Explore.

Mate: Captain, we've been here for a week.

Captain: what have you found?

Mate: it's going to sound silly, Sir, but there's a formation that comes and goes, occasionally getting larger.

Captain: We must document this for our backers. Shore leave!

Mate: Captain - where to now? More exploration?

Captain: We will continue to explore the Port of Clitorris. Ever since we started, the women have been very nice to us. The longer we explore, the nicer they are.

This week in Tesla News does not feature Tesla.

Instead, Kia and Hyundai warn 485,000 SUV owners to park outside due to fire risk. The cause is an antilock brake controller module, not an exploding battery. Sorry, Elon, better luck next week.