The Secret Word is a Secret

 

Your love is like  Crunchy Frog

One of the (internal) kids informs me there's a site called 'many fish in the' or something like that. She explains to me that it's like Tinder - random hookups for the purpose of boom-boom. I am apparently not hip enough to know about this site. This begs the question of why she knows about it.

Today I identify as  triple antibiotic cream

I need new glasses.

Wife told me the aviator frames are back. I seriously like these. She suggests Warby Parker. This confuses me because they don't have aviator frames. In fact, all of their frames look more or less the same, in different colors. So I can go to any number of places online to get frames, but I don't understand the measurements. In technical-speak, I want Big Ass Aviator Frames. There is no translation between the two. I notice that women have no trouble at all finding these in sunglasses, but they don't exist in men's frames, like decent songs on the radio. So now I can't figure out how to make this happen: do I just order the frames and go to a local store for an exam, or get an exam and try to find frames. Or just shoot myself. Shooting looks like the most logical solution - much easier than going 5 places so I can see again. And who really needs to see? It's not like I drive. Much.

Nothing starts a familial war quite like butter cookies.

Since my in-laws don't live anywhere near Civilization, we send normal stuff there. The favorite seems to be from a local bakery, in a relatively nice war zone. I say relatively nice because you're not dodging bullets. Often. I suspect the only reason this place is safe is because their cookies are so good. It's like a Safe Zone<tm>, in the middle of the city. If they shoot up the customers, the bakery will go out of business and the gangs won't get any cookies. Retail is very complicated in the 2000s. 

Cyberwarfare looms as Russia shells, invades Ukraine

So anyway... ummm... oh yeah, so we send cookies to the in-laws, along with this thing called butter cake. Nobody knows exactly what's in butter cake, and that's for the best. It's a short yellow cake, with some sort of delicious, sweet, butter icing. It's also best you don't know any of the nutrition information, because it's likely to cause hardened arteries in decent quantities, and believe me, it's impossible to eat this in small quantities.

So the goodies go out to the Netherlands, where they just got electricity and cell phone service is good, so long as you have a landline and don't try to use it. They literally have to walk up the block to get signal. It's the impossible dream, like a movie without III or 16 behind the name. Then the fun begins. Dad grabs the pound of cookies, saying they were sent up for him. He disappears. No one knows where he goes, as the house is small. Later, he is forced to bring the cookies back, sometimes by force, and make them public. Then he keeps on reappearing, asking meaningless questions, each time snaking his hand into the cookie box. As the cookies quickly dwindle to zero, the real fighting begins. Half the butter cake is gone, and people start noticing the cookies are nearly gone too. And heaven help the person who goes near the cherry pie; they're liable to touch it and draw back a nub.... Mom is serious about her pie too. I have never been there when this happens because, quite frankly, I'm scared. They're wonderful people, who would give you the shirts off their backs, unless there are cookies involved.

Plus I just can't visit a place where the nearest Walmart is an hour away, as is the McDonalds; two places I also don't visit. It makes me very popular with the family.

The Aliens are circling Earth.

They have their cloaking device on, so nothing on the planet can 'see' them. They're on a mission from the Multi-Planet Consortium, to see if Earth is ready to join the federation. The Prime Directive is in effect; they are not to interfere with the natives unless they're ready for First Contact. Yes, the aliens watched Star Trek too. Nobody knows how. Their version of Nurse Chapel was green, with four arms. Spock thought she was really hot.

Monitoring Earth they went, in their monitor-class ship, the Last Prize. The crew always bitched, believing they got the worst ship because of something Captain Sr92l*# said to the Council. Even the beelzerschmitzel was broken. And you know how they get when they can't have their beelzers.

As they orbit, they monitor television, which is a reflection of society. They see Texas Ranger, which upsets them greatly, as Chuck Norris isn't in it. They see Americans Idle. They see "I snigged my step sister." They see 27 Star Trek movies, 37 Star Wars movies, and too many Fast and Furiouses to count. They see the Masked Furry and start to pack things up. "These people are beyond not ready for First Contact. Judging from television content, it could be another century or two. Let's head home....

As they're setting course for the Plaedies, the captain says, "HOLD ON, guys. You're not going to believe this, but they have a Doctor Pimple Popper too! We're going in."

• GM seeks US approval to deploy self-driving car without a steering wheel
• because a driverless car with a steering wheel isn't terrifying enough 

White Castle hiring 100 robots to flip burgers.

Yes, but will they program them to get your order wrong? 

Flying AIDS News  

COVID’s spread within hospitals hit all-time high amid omicron wave

Google will no longer require US employees to be vaccinated against COVID-19

It's getting ready to SNOW again.

How can I tell? The forecast says no precipitation.

You can't tell by looking - the sky is always gray - no clues there.

On the positive side, this will cancel our trip to the place that rhymes with Bosco. Yes, I know we need food, but I just can't take that place, more specifically the people who shop there. And their Customer Confusion Program, in which they move everything around weekly, so you can never find what you're looking for.

I always stop to look at those humongous tv's.

I don't want one. I don't need one. But I feel compelled to look.

I should probably ask the doctors about this. Maybe some Adderall.

I have to warn you about.... uhh... dammit.. what's the name of that stuff? It sounds and looks healthy and has an X in there somewhere, probably at the end. They make health bars and other stuff. The problem is if you're looking for flavor, you're better off eating the box they come in. I've never tried it, but I just can't get near the chicken in a can. Or several other canned 'meats.' TIP: do NOT go to the FDA site for what they allow to be called 'meat.' Also avoid the FCC site, on general principles. And shut down the IRS.

Commonwealth Games: Athletes allowed to protest about social injustice at Birmingham 2022

In fact, all athletic competitions will be suspended. Replaced with:

• 100 member BLM chant
• who can take a knee fastest
• who has the best Antifa accessory
• fastest -legible- protest sign created
• loudest complaint decrying lack of women in football
• most traffic blocked outside the stadium

Better than bobsledding? You decide.

Tesla is working to make Steam video games work in its vehicles

So you put out quite a few hard-earned dollars for your Tesla.

You have to worry about spontaneous explosions, battery fires, and random braking. Let's now add "I wasn't driving - I was playing video games."

Honda, terribly jealous of Tesla's ability to get press for every little fatal flaw in their cars, is investigating 1.7 million cars for phantom braking. 

Tesla already does this. Can't Honda be original? Ejecting seats or something? 

Headline of the Month (year?) 

Aaron Rodgers’ go-to cleanse could involve oily enemas, bloodletting, vomiting

It sounds like a Flying AIDS cure..

Russia - Ukraine 

ThermionicEmissions condemns any act of aggression or war.

Dmitry Rogozin says he does not appreciate “openly hostile” US policy

Says the man whose country just invaded Ukraine 

Four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel says the Russian Grand Prix should be cancelled - and he will not be there if the race goes ahead.

What a sissy. So there's a full scale invasion going on. Does he think he's so important that someone is going to fire an ICBM at his car? 

Vladimir Putin is over the top giddy because his army has seized the Chernobyl nuclear plant, which melted down in 1986. Apparently his aides were terrified to tell him... Russia now owns:

• a building still full of radioactive debris
• a power plant that won't power
• the prestige of owning a melted-down nuclear power generator

With the news of the invasion comes interesting news: things can be blamed on it. So far the integrated circuit chip shortage and inflation are alleged victims of Putin's folly. If you watch and wait, there will be more blame:

• the USPS going with 8mpg trucks instead of electric ones
• little Jimmy's wagon loses a wheel
• men who can't get it up
• rent payments late
• actual buildings missing [in Ukraine]

Interview with Mr. Mackey:

War is bad, M'kay?

• FAA now says 5G airports may interfere with Boeing 737s
• The same altimeters the FAA cleared last month....

In order to do my job, I have to be a pretty tenacious and black and white guy. Either it's working or it's not working. Apparently the FCC doesn't work the same way. Either that or somebody's bribe bounced.

George Washington University Apologizes for Tracking Locations of Students, Faculty [thehill.com]
George Washington University President Mark Wrighton issued an apology for tracking students' location data without consent and said using such data "raises important privacy considerations and potential breaches of expected ethical norms in higher education." 

Further, they explained it was all a mistake.

They were told to make sure wireless was accessible, which sounds just like "make sure to track all student location data without their permission."              

• How to file your taxes online without hurting your wallet or your privacy

World number three Alexander Zverev has been thrown out of the Mexican Open after "unsportsmanlike conduct" that saw him attack the umpire's chair at the end of a doubles match in Acapulco.

He also called the taco "a national disgrace," questioned the net's parentage, accused the balls of being impotent and underinflated, and said the surface was as tilted as the Tower of Pisa.

Zverev and the umpire are holidaying together in Spain.

In his bid to make government more diverse, President Taxit nominated the first black female judge to the Supreme Court. He needs to try harder. Yes, he has nominated no white males to any post, but he could have easily nominated a black female Jew to the Court. Still there are no midgets, pagans, satanists, or trans people there - not even a single gay. Is this the best he can do? Is this to be his legacy?

What Biden's aides don't tell him is that the black female is the lady on his IT team. Once on the Supreme Court, her opinions will largely be "Did they turn it off and on again?"

• I just saw an article on threat detection, which mentioned 'security hygiene.' You're probably saying to yourself, "WTF is security hygiene?"
• As someone in the field, I can help. Security hygiene is washing your hands after you surf. Not opening every email. Not clicking on every link. Securing your browser. Using private mode, which does NOT protect your surfing, but cleans up everything after you're done - no history.