Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Neighbors - Can't Live With Them, Can't Blow Up Their Houses

I grew up in a row house in Philthydelphia.  Eventually we looked at townhouses but never bought one.  The difference between them is that a row house is in the city and a townhouse is in the suburbs.

Being in a literal row, you got to know your neighbors, in every sense of the word.  We had some really nice neighbors who would sit out on the steps and talk.  It was mostly a good neighborhood, except, unfortunately, for the next door neighbors.  It's not that they weren't the nicest, brightest folks in the neighborhood - more that they believed Jews had horns.  We didn't go further into their beliefs because we were afraid.  They also painted their concrete steps.  To this day, we do not know why.

We also had the requisite Old Lady (YOU KIDS GET OFF OF MY LAWN!) but so long as you weren't on her lawn, she was fine.

Come to think of it, my next door neighbors did have a few more annoying little traits, which I'd like to share with you.  They enjoyed a good, loud stereo and television.  And they enjoyed their good, loud stereo and television placed right up against our common wall.  No amount of verbal convincing would spur any volume-lowering action in that house.

Being curious about how things worked, I discovered electronics (right before I discovered girls).  With my little signal generator, I would determine what station my neighbors were blasting and jam the signal.  When they changed stations, so did I.  When they tried the tv, so did I.  They probably wondered why reception was so poor in their house.

Fast forward many years to a house of my own, in a really nice neighborhood.  It's not a row home but the houses are close enough for the neighbors to chat (if they want to).  My wife is good at chatting, not so much for me.  In the twenty years we've been there, my wife met all the neighbors and their dogs.  I know the one dude from around the corner somewhere who walks his Akita at night.

We live across the street from the Loud Family.  I've mentioned them before.  They are two loud adults who produced five or six really loud children (F-YOU, DAD!).  The children all bought really loud cars.  If the cars weren't loud when they bought them, they modified them so they were loud.  The one child who hasn't reached driving age has a little go-kart which is horribly loud and he likes to ride it up and down the street, making loud noises and screaming loudly.  They play loud sports and have loud friends.  I can't verify it but I believe they found a way to make their car horns louder than stock.  Only the house itself isn't loud but rest assured if there were a way to make the house loud, it would be a loud house.

Then there's the Crazy Lady next door.  Every neighborhood has one.  She yelled at my wife because the dog had the nerve to walk on her grass.  There was also some vague complaint about `our bees biting her' but that was a while back.  She has been observed vacuuming her lawn.  One day she put the street sign about leaf collection on my front step.  Mind you, my wife helps her out with medical issues now and then.

Then there's Sparky, the NOF (Nasty old F-er) who lives out back.  He gets upset when the dog barks.  Since the dog barks once to come in or go out, Sparky's constantly mad.  I have a sneaking suspicion this really isn't dog-related but I keep my opinion to myself.

The rest of the neighbors are sweet as can be.  No trouble.  We don't bother them and they don't bother us.


Last week I came home and discovered a card in the door.  It was from Township Code Enforcement.  My wife was out of her mind with all the possibilities of what the township was going to require us to do and how much it would cost.  It got so bad she insisted on me calling the guy.

This would not be our first run-in with the township.  Because of me, my township has a NO SLINKY Ordinance (don't ask).

So I called.  Really nice guy.  He seemed amused.  Apparently the township commissioner got a complaint about planting materials on the lawn.  He got sent out and found some planting materials on the lawn but nothing in the way of a code violation.  We laughed.  I told him about the Crazy Lady who vacuums her lawn, who probably lodged the complaint.  We laughed again.

So it appears that the Crazy Lady, who sends us Christmas presents, called the township commissioner to complain about planting materials on our lawn.  

And if her house blows up, *I* am the bad person.

I'm speechless. 
(like that will ever happen again)

But wait.. I have a solution: I am going to pile up all of the planting supplies on the line between our houses.  And spell her name with them.


  1. Everyone knows you NEVER paint concrete!
    Solution to the loud neighbors: a sock in the mouth. (I DID love the signal jamming, I admit)
    Solution to the Crazy Lady: write an insulting slur (Fark you, Eat shit, etc.) on her lawn with gasoline or Roundup (Roundup's cheaper).
    Sparky? FARK Sparky! No one messes with my dogs.
    A well aimed middle finger should convey the appropriate message.

  2. P.S. Can ANYTHING be done about those maddening squiggley letter confirmation things????


  3. AHAHAHAHA! Hilarious! Does everyone have a crazy lady neighbor?

    We had one in back of us and one across the street when I was growing up. The one in the rear would keep all the balls that landed in her yard. Her very henpecked husband would return them to us every few months.

    The crazy lady across the street would call the police if you walked on her lawn. Oh! And don't even think about pulling an orange off one of her trees; not even when the branches are hanging over into your property. That would mean another visit from the local constabulary.

    What the f*ck is it with these crazy lady neighbors, anyway?

    The tables have turned somewhat, though. I'm "that crazy biker cat dude" in my neighborhood. I have a feral colony in my backyard that I take care of... and I'm a long-haired, bearded biker who listens to that Rock & Roll music a bit too loud sometimes. What a quinella, huh?

    I hope they don't see that big A for Anarchy spray painted on the wall out in my shop ( http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v647/vtel57/My%20Pics/anarchy_linux-shop-2011.jpg ). ;)