Your love is like rug rash
Cats are dicks. You might already know this.
There's one who likes to walk on the fence, just out of Penny's reach, while Penny barks at it.
A friend's cat, who I really like, enjoys throwing things off tables.
Today I identify as a cordless phone battery that won't charge
The last place I worked had a stably unstable platform that involved moving the furniture around quarterly and meetings to plan new meetings. I worked there for 10 years and there were some meetings around longer than I was.
The new place, with so many working from home, has taken to moving whole departments around. I'm not sure, but I think I heard Network Security has been moved under Janitorial. The problem is that the moves come at least quarterly, if not more frequently. One must pay close attention to email or one will miss a change and find their group working under Sales, which is somewhat like the 8th ring of hell, but hotter and less pleasant. So not only do you have to watch email, one must keep an ear to the ground, to hear what others might have heard about tomorrow's changes, which will supersede last week's changes. Make your daily meetings, because your supervisor may have some important news for you. After the (at least) quarterly change, there will be a full-company conference, wherein the new structure will be explained. It is at this point you can tell what your company is up to: if you watch the conference and nod off within the first 13 seconds, it's obvious the company doesn't expect anything of you and everybody else is nodding off too. The only thing left is the snoring. If you understand what they're talking about, this is a really bad sign. You will be required to stay in the 4 hour meeting, where most of the time will be devoted to new organization charts. The people who nodded off will be spared.
What is the point of this exercise?
Nobody knows.
Your pay doesn't change, but you might be stopped in hallways or emails, and asked where your group falls in the new current scheme (as opposed to the old current scheme). If you cannot answer the question correctly, you will be required to work in H/R for a week, listening to people whine about every topic under the sun and claiming someone harassed them by doing nothing as they walked by them the other day.
If anyone in the entire company does anything even remotely related to programming, the only safe answer is DevSecOps. This is a buzz phrase incorporating security into Corporate Stuff<tm> and they eat this shit up. If you can squeeze The Cloud and AI in there too, you're golden. Warning: do not mix DevSecOps with SecDevOps. These are two completely different buzz phrases, even if no one can tell the difference. Entire wars have been fought over the meanings.
- Dutch chain Grocery Store Opens ‘Chat Registers’ for Lonely Customers
- Walmart has studied this and will open a Suicide Register, but you have to pay first
Vogons brought in to destroy Sun
Viral ‘Jump Humping’ TikTok Teaches the World About Mormon Sex
As unlikely as it seems, this "soaking" and "jump humping" are sex acts that horny teenagers perform to remain virgins in the eyes of god.
This is even better, and more creative, than having anal sex to remain a virgin
- The FCC will open a $1.9 billion program to replace Chinese networking equipment in mostly rural telecom carriers.
- Translated: $1.9 billion taxpayer dollars will go to rural phone carriers to buy new equipment after removing Chinese equipment
- Yes, Chinese equipment should be removed for security reasons. No, we shouldn't pay for it. Contact your Congressmen and FCC.
A rare white deer was shot running down the street.
What country was this -
- US
- Iraq
- Brazil
That's right, it was number five, England.
The RSPCA said darting the animal could be a bigger public safety issue than blasting it out of existence. We humans sure have a funny way of dealing with problems. Now the UK needs pickup trucks and beer. Although William Robert doesn't have the same impact as Billy Bob.
I say - it's the Queen, y'all!
- NY prepared for tens of thousands of unvaccinated health workers to lose jobs
- sure they are.... this will not cause a crisis in healthcare at all
- they have a plan.
Her: What do you need from the store?
Him: the same things I needed yesterday
Her: How am I supposed to know?
Him: It's on the list.
Her: What list?
Him: the list you made yesterday
Her: I made a list yesterday?
Him: Yes. Yesterday, when you asked me what I wanted because you were going to the store
Her: But I didn't go to the store yesterday.
Him: But you did make a list.
Her: Perhaps I thought I was going to the store yesterday.
Him: Yes, hence the list.
Her [looking through pad]: Nope, no list.
Him: The absence of a list on your pad does not mean there was no list made.
Her: What was on the list?
Him: the stuff we needed at the store. I don't remember a single thing because you made the list and I forgot everything as soon as I said it.
Her: Hmmmm.... ok, but what do you need at the store?
The rescheduled tooth donation went off as scheduled.
I was impressed - I couldn't feel the teeth going. Couldn't see them going either, but that was because my eyes were shut so tightly that you couldn't pry them open with a small nuclear device.
Remember: ask for the nitrous. It's worth whatever you have to pay for it. I only tried to escape from the chair a little bit. The only thing that hurts is the spots where the needles went it.
I was told no hot beverages or food for a while. I have to wait for my coffee to cool? WHAT?
Now I have huge holes until everything gets fixed. I'll tell people the Flying AIDS ate my teeth.
Me: Damn, it's cold in my office.
Her: Why don't you run that little heater?
Me: Because the fan is plugged in.
Her: Why don't you unplug the fan and plug in the heater?
Me: NO!
Her: Why not?
Me: Because if you plug the heater in and run it, you're admitting it's getting cold and the seasons are changing and soon there will be snow, messing up the roads and requiring shoveling....
Her: I see. Stay cold then.
They're Baaaaaack
As New York, San Francisco and a few other U.S. cities and counties require restaurants to check proof of COVID-19 vaccination to dine indoors, some fast-food chains are simply shutting their seating areas altogether - a move that may dent their sales.
- What happens when you have a bunch of Special Ops guys training at an airport?
- a dude dressed as a ninja, wielding a sword, injured 2 and forced them to shelter in a hangar
- the police would have shot him
- They should hire that guy.. he has balls
- ‘Nobody will tell me the truth’: Man’s death pinned on cougar attack; wildlife experts say no way
- Mrs. Sonia Spam, 47, denies responsibility, says she's happily married.
- Lockheed Skunkworks mum
- people are stupid and post anything, not to mention streaming suicides
- Think about this: Stealth planes were used in Vietnam. Something new has to be flying around.
According to someone or other, it's Suicide Prevention Month. Finally, something worth celebrating, even though it should last all year, like Breast Appreciation Month.
ThermionicEmissions renews its call for you, if depressed or suicidal, to talk to someone. One big surprise is you don't have to feel this way. There are many ways that can help. You need to take the first step: talk to someone. A mental health professional, you primary doc. If you're feeling like ending it, talk to someone. The aforementioned. Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255 - 24/7 free). Family, friends, religious leaders, local health groups or organizations, even the police. They're there to help keep you safe, to whatever degree. There's therapy and meds that can help. Now there's elephant tranquilizers that help depression (ketamine). There are ways to help you pay for help, but you're not going to be turned away if you feel dangerous to yourself or others.
This is going on all over the planet, unfortunately. It can hit anyone of any age or profession. Please speak up and stay safe. Remember: If you take yourself out, that's one less reader of ThermionicEmissions.
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also suggested: Chinese lady with cymbal hat |
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