Your love is like slamming your finger in a car door
Michigan school superintendent is forced to deny rumor that LITTER BOXES were provided for students who are FURRIES after outraged mom claimed kids are being encouraged to identify as cats and dogs
Today I identify as Bob Dylan
Today's most coherent headline
Caf ruling means Comoros without recognised keeper for last-16 tie live on BBC
You need a new pillow
Why - the current one works great.
It's kinda old. Who knows what's crawling around inside.
Like me?
I bought you two to choose from.
So this is a done deal and you're just notifying me?
They're really nice.
I tried one once. Couldn't sleep. I'll try again (because there are no other pillows in the house).
How was the pillow?
Tall.
How did you sleep?
I didn't.
But those are the top of the line Memory Pillows. They remember better than we do.
I believe you.
I love them. I sleep well on them.
You mean when you sleep, right?
Ok, fine. What's wrong with them?
Remember my old pillow? It was an old POS, about 3" tall?
Yes, it was old, ugly, and needed to be replaced.
The pillows that remember are about 6" tall.
Aren't they great?
Aside from hurting my neck and not being able to sleep, they're wonderful. What we have here seems to be a problem in the vertical plane. Whereas your Remembering pillow is 6" tall and causes all sorts of trouble, my old pillow, which apparently threw itself out when I wasn't looking, only ventured 3" vertically, but performed flawlessly. Will your pillow remember if we saw it in half?
But we'll never find one like your old POS, thin pillow.
This presents a problem, doesn't it? Do you mean to tell me no store on earth has POS thin pillows?
I don't think so. I'll look.
["I'll look" translates to "You'll love that pillow. Just give it a chance. Don't sleep for a week and twist your neck around backwards."]
Meanwhile, at dinner.......
Here, have some cauliflower.
I don't like cauliflower.
It's good for you.
That's nice, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it.
It's innocuous.
It looks like brains.
Just try it.
I have tried it. I don't like it.
It has vitamins in it.
So does my vitamin bottle.
Just eat it for a week.
It makes my stomach vault it out at ridiculous speeds. It could take your head off.
One week.
If it makes me nauseous, why do you think I should eat it?
It's good for you.
I have a neat concept: allow me to decide what's good for me.
Oprah made pizza crust out of it.
I'll bet she didn't eat it.
I put some in your pasta last night.
I couldn't understand why your pasta made me want to decorate the walls. It's always been so good. I didn't want to say anything....
UPDATE: new pillow appeared. Looks to be same size as Deep Memory pillows.
Sometimes it's just me (?)
I know I'm different than the other employees.
When I was little, my mom used to tell me I was different than the other boys. Now that I'm older, 'different' has a different definition.
At work, once a month, I receive a file. I add some specific information and post it to our group's file share. I sent out an email to let everyone know, with a link.
This was my first mistake.
In a recent meeting, everyone wanted to know where that file I used to put together is. [start of banging my head on the desk]
COWORKER 1: I need to get a copy of it.
ME: Look in the group's file share.
COWORKER 1: I liked when you sent it in spreadsheet format. I can work better with it.
ME: Look in the group's file share.
BOSS: I get a list every month
COWORKER 2: lefty used to send a file out every month
ME: Look in the group's file share.
COWORKER3: I go to a different place to look at it.
ME: That place is old and no longer updated, per the email I sent. Look in the group's file share.
[HUGE crash in my kitchen]
BOSS: Oh, the older list has info the newer doesn't have.
ME: Yes, that's old info. Ignore that.
COWORKER2: Well where do we find that?
ME: Look in the group's file share. TAP TAP TAP - is this thing on?
EVERYBODY: Yes, we can hear you.
ME: [so the roadblock here is understanding me, specifically that the file is in the group's file share, where every single one of files are]
BOSS: I noticed that you have a few versions of the file in the file share.
ME: Yes, they're labeled JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, etc.
BOSS: I want to delete the old files.
ME: [because no one in the group can tell the difference between clearly labeled months? Why is this a problem? Were my coworkers hired under the Special Initiative, where we hire people who have special needs? Oops, no. The special needs people have no trouble understanding this.]
BOSS: lefty - are you ok with this?
ME: [I try never to argue with the boss, because I like my job. But there has never been a reason to disagree with my boss since I started with the company.] No problem. [shaking head, which hurts from banging it on the desk Feeling very dizzy.]
BOSS: Ok, so we can keep the latest month's version only. Is everybody good with this?
ME: [Ok, no, I am not ok with this. I work with a group of really intelligent people. We get awards for our work. Are you really going to tell me this is an issue? We have wasted an hour and a half of our precious meeting time on me telling people to go look in the place we keep all our files. It seems to be a serious roadblock. Do we need to bring in a consultant to explain this to everyone?]
BOSS: Ok, are we all good on this?
Everybody: [total silence...crickets]
BOSS: Ok, we'll take it up at the next meeting.
ME: [internal voice: This is why people 'Go Postal' and kill their coworkers]
- Former Pope Benedict failed to act over abuse, new report finds
- just like every other one of them - rout them out from the top and start over
Flying AIDS News
German Covid protests turn nasty in row over rules and vaccinations
Vaccine mandates: 'I lost my job for being unvaccinated'
Unvaccinated 5X more likely to get omicron than those boosted, CDC reports
Two cannabinoids have opposing effects on SARS-CoV-2 in culture
This is a pretty substantial event, even with their lack of teaching certification.
I see this going off the rails, like Biden addressing Qanon
- MATH: Johnny has two AR-15s. Billy has one. How many rounds can Johnny fire?
- HISTORY: The Abrams tank is the most advanced tank ever made - discuss
- SOCIAL STUDIES: After a city defunds the police, who do they call when BLM peacefully loots and sets fire to businesses?
- CHEMISTRY: With airplane fuel at $13 per gallon, how much is wasted every time there is a cross-country 'training flight'?
- GYM: Give me 20, MAGGOT!
So because work uses Windows, my machine doesn't work. I have to call Helpdesk.
You know you're in trouble when the Helpdesk recording says they're experiencing 'higher than normal call volumes.'
Then it asks you a bunch of questions you can't answer.
Then it asks you if you'd rather just hang up and have the system call you back at first availability. This is a brilliant scheme on the part of Helpdesk. It works like this: you tell it to call you back and it doesn't. This takes call volume way down.
Eventually you talk to a human (hopefully). They're all in the US, thankfully, but sometimes their regional accents are confusing (Y'all).
When the technician pops up, she recites a paragraph or two that sounds like she's reading it mechanically. She should probably drop in a curse or two, maybe a death threat, to see if I'm listening.
No, this has not happened to anyone else. Just me.
Here's where it gets weird (no, really? just here?): the machines are locked down. I can't do much other than change backgrounds, which I haven't. I have a personal computer if I want to mess with stuff, so it's hands off the work machine. Yet it still drives into a wall and refuses to cooperate. My only theory is that the machine knows how I feel about Windows and breaks itself.
- Just a health reminder: most heart attacks occur while shoveling snow
- Exercise causes cancer
- please take care of yourself - I can't afford to lose any readers
- the CDC, which gets better drugs than the rest of us, says 90% of the US has poor diet, 25% don't exercise
Hippos can recognise their friends' voices
My cousin can, with 90% accuracy. We call her hippo-on-a-bus.
One of the greatest experiences of visiting California was the Sacramento Zoo. I saw the hippos and said, "Look, there's Jean!" Not only were we amused, several of the people around us laughed. I guess they knew her too.
- After 7 years, a spent Falcon 9 rocket stage is on course to hit the Moon
- We spend a lot of time blowing up the Moon. First we blew up something to hear it ring, then we bombed it from Earth, now it's a rocket stage.
Alien1: Kee-rist, they've done it again!
Alien2: Earth has once again thrown something at their moon.
Alien1: If they're not leaving trash, they're bombing it. Dirty species.
Alien2: They can't join the rest of us until they learn good stewardship. Have you seen the space around their planet?
Alien1: It's full of debris, plus spy satellites.
Alien2: It's a sick planet.
Alien1: I guess we better pack up and head home. We'll come back in a couple hundred years and see if they made any progress.
Alien2: I have 500 megaquarks on them weaponizing the moon. Alien3 says they destroy all life and all that's left is their moon and something called Keith Richards.
Alien1: Dude...... The Stones!
- Say you've got 1/4 of the US nuclear weapon stockpile - roughly 2500 warheads. Say it's at Naval Base Kitsap in Washington state (it is).
- How are you going to guard it? With dolphins, of course.
- eels aren't interested, who knew ferrets couldn't swim, and cats kept trying to set off the missiles.
This is the future, folks!
The carplane has a single BMW engine, so it won't use turn signals on the ground.
I was really curious about how the space issues were handled, but it requires a pilot license and is handled just like a plane.
The article mentions other companies are working on pilotless planes.
Call me a control freak, but I want a pilot there. I hope there's never a problem, but I want a pilot there, just in case. Large planes have up to three pilots.
I'm funny that way.
for only $92k, you can prepurchase a person-size drone to fly. No license needed.
This entire class will fail when it's discovered you can't give the finger to other flyers.
- Hactivists say they hacked Belarus rail system to stop Russian military buildup
- threaten to make New York City's subway run on time if not paid
SJWow Factor
Samsung pulls ad with drag queen after backlash
M&Ms characters to become more inclusive
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