Your love is like used Twinkies
Today I identify as a fairy prince
So I'm not sure how, but we got out of the house last weekend. It's a pretty cool area, with two actual guitar stores. One actual guitar store had hundred of guitars, but they were all backwards (no lefties). The other actual store did a fine job, with about seven lefties. It was moot, as I didn't like any of them. I'm pickier than a woman with 27 channels of NFL football.
The thing that knocked me out was the customer service, in almost every store. Truly pleasant and helpful. One of the guitar store guys went way beyond and did some digging to find some answers for me. The makeup store girls got upset because we were obviously interrupting their gathering by the register. I didn't take it personally; I'm sure it was a very important, secret business meeting to discuss stuff customers shouldn't be privy to.
I was also happy to notice that there weren't a lot of closed stores. And there was a Cinnabon, which is kind of a place of worship for us. Get yourself a mochalotta chill to drink - bon optional.
Because we had our first 80 degree day earlier in the week, it was 96. Could be worse. Could be tomorrow, where the forecast is 92 and rain. This means it will probably snow.
One cannot take a trip out without the Major Fun of people watching. I haven't been out in a while, so I almost forgot about it. To show you how long it's been, I even fell for Wife's "I'll just pop into this store for a few minutes." Wife Math is very different from actual math, where 45 somehow equals 5. I would have been happy to go in, but there was a NO DRINKS sign, so I got to stand out front with a drink. People were coming by and using me as a seat. I wouldn't mind, but they kept leaving their trash in my lap. I always wanted to go into a store with a NO DRINKS sign and wait for a helpful employee to stop me and tell me NO DRINKS. I'd remove the plastic cap from the drink and spill it on the floor. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Instead I stood. And stood. And watched people. Because it was 96, one guy was wearing shorts and a wool hat. He didn't have to worry about heat, obviously because he was so cool. The second guy with a wool hat had EARS on it. I'll just never be cool enough to pull this off.
We saw men in sandals and socks. This used to mean I'm a foreigner, but now it's apparently an acceptable uniform. We saw men in skirts. I'm not poking fun - I like a nice skirt (provided she's wearing it when I'm getting into it).
In Victoria's, I pointed out some cute panties to Wife. She politely suggested I wear them before she would. Ok, but there are none in my size. She's a lot easier to fit. I was informed that certain underwear feels like dental floss between your cheeks. She doesn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter what it feels like... it matters what it looks like (to me). This became moot because there were only 97 people at both of the open registers. Don't repeat this, but I know Victoria's Secret: how they get so many to pay so much for so little.
Since I need glasses, Wife suggested I look at Warby Parker, online. I did, and discovered that there were 100 pairs that were all the same, but different colors. Lo and behold, we found a Warby Parker actual store. You won't believe this, but we went in and there were over 100 pairs, that were all the same, except for color. Who would have guessed?
There was a smoothie store, which looked good, given the temperature. I spent 5 minutes looking at the extensive menu, getting frustrated. There was no fat frozen yogurt, acai, grass, other green stuff, and things I couldn't pronounce. I got rid of my frustration by trying to get the lady to make me something I'd like.
I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.
Yes, that comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.
I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.
That comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.
Can I have just strawberries?
You want a strawberry smoothie with just strawberries?
You nailed it! Thank you.
But how would that work?
Well, you'd put only strawberries in it.
Who would want to have a strawberry smoothie without no-fat frozen yogurt and some weird grass we pulled outside?
*I* would. I'm not asking for your extensive knowledge of stuff you put in drinks. I just want something *I* can drink.
[thinking.........] I don't think we can do that.
How about you try this: put strawberries, ice, and some strawberry juice in the blender?
BLEH!
You don't have to like it - you just have to make it.
No, I'm sorry, we just can't make that.
Why not? This isn't California.
How about the strawberries, ice, and apple juice?
I'm allergic to apples.
Ok, strawberries, ice, and no-fat frozen yogurt.
Got any vanilla ice cream? Vanilla hi-fat frozen yogurt?
[shrieks] Why would we carry that?
Candy bars? Stockings? Cheese?
Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave the store. You're just too weird to eat here.
But the real surprise was learning that the universe was listening to me: TUBE TOPS are back!
- I haven't spent much time on the Depp trial for obvious reasons, but today's tidbit is that Kate Moss will be testifying. It is of no consequence whatsoever, other than I think she's cute.
Just so the prior outing didn't feel so alone, I made the mistake of trying for another smoothie. They had 16 varieties, which I knew could mean only one thing: I wouldn't like any of them. I shouldn't be so picky... they had coconut, dirty motor oil, and peanut butter. So I asked for a plain strawberry and the guy said no problem. But yes problem. It tasted like half a strawberry. I asked if there was some way he could make it sweeter. He said NO SUGAR but offered Splenda. No thank you, I prefer to get my cancer other ways. I asked if there were some juice that would help. He kept jumping up and down to assure me there was no juice in the smoothie. I realized there was a language barrier; he was speaking accented English and I must have been speaking Swahili again. Sometimes I slip into it without realizing. I keep asking Wife to tell me when my language changes, but she's so used to it, she forgets. But goddammit, she loved her smoothie, and that's all that mattered. It's a mixed bag being my wife: yes, I treat her like a queen, but on the other hand, she has to be married to me.
Dolphins Recognize Friends by Tasting Their Piss, Scientists Find in Wild ExperimentThis could go horribly wrong if applied to humans, no?
Hey, is that you, Johnny?
Yeah.
Could you piss a bit, so I can be sure?
Hey, Bob, squirt some my way!
Sometimes a piss is just a piss, guys
Things are weird round the old hood.... we had our favorite neighbor pass from the Flying AIDS. The house is for sale. Now the Crazy Lady, on the other side of our place, has gone to a facility. I think she'll still outlive us, but I guess you get more fragile after the age of 480. As they put her into the ambulance, I heard, "..and your little dog too." So now there are two houses for sale next to us. Is it too much to ask for a hottie that plays guitar? Or is really impressed by guitar players? Someone who can babysit when Mrs. lefty goes out of town for a few days? A new friend for the dog? Vanessa Hudgens, looking for a place she can get away? Linda Fiorentino, doing research for her new movie? I figure the chances are much better because there are two houses for sale. Maybe not... I don't want that kind of temptation. Mrs. lefty would get suspicious because I'd leave the couch and the house.
Along these lines, there's a trashcan in front of the Crazy Lady's house. If she's not there, whose trash is it and who put the can out? I ask the tough questions.
- the dog doesn't like noise, like cycles and loud cars. Neither do I.
- she's currently barking at a plane. Like everyone else here, she needs therapy.
- $5.19 for gas today
- still no progress on Game Changer
- Easy Peasy easing off nicely
- We're all sorry, but Supply Chain Issues will be here for a while
- there is still no specific slur for Malaysians
- Ok, kids, this may or may not be relevant, but New York City just removed its last payphone from service. Some would argue they were never in service. That aside, it's kinda sad. Now Superman will have nowhere to change.
- 'Democratic' jackdaws use noise to make decisions
- out of 30 decisions, they come to one very bad one
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| #Libertarian |
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