Your love is like cooties
- It's been years and I still don't understand chicken fried steak
Today I identify as the vertically-oriented Camaro in my living room
There are certain writing cliches that are ripe for skewering
Guy comes home, opens the door, and sees his wife engaged in a gangbang.
"It's not what you think," she cries.
You mean I'm not seeing you with 11 guys, a donkey, 2 people of diminished height, a giraffe, and 37 cans of Hormel Chili?
"Ok, it is what you think, but still. Can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?"
This has been going on for SIX YEARS!
"No, it was only just this once"
I have pictures and dates.
"Ok, it has been going on for six years, but I know we can get past this."
Little Jimmy isn't even my son!
"Sure he is. Look at that face."
I got a vasectomy 7 years ago.
"Sometimes vasectomies fail."
I have a DNA test, proving to a 99.9997% that I'm not the father.
"Maybe I slipped, but can we just get some marital counseling and go back to the way it was?"
You gave me gonorrhea.
"Maybe you got it from a toilet seat."
I'm divorcing you, whore.
"But I don't want a divorce."
I hate the sight of you.
But I love you. This meant nothing; it was just sex.
I hope you and the chili will be very happy together.
- American Airlines decided to put its data into THE CLOUD.
- Oh well, at least the planes are safe in the clouds.
One would think that because NASA was reporting this, there was nothing unexpected happening. I'll give you a sample of the data and you can make up your own mind:
TELEMETRY TELEMETRY TELEMETRY
XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX
All Systems Yellow
Gas prices at world high
tjioleWSF$*#%^)))@$R^&&55
1234567555*#^R$
Did you know you are eligible for Medicare that pays 100% of your claims and you get some money BACK?
#$%^&*())(*&^%
Thrusters OK
Gibberish
Did you trip on somebody else's property? SUE! Think of the money! We don't get paid til you do.
EEEEEE#F($3385
HI GUYS! We grabbed control of this cute little buggy to tell you we've been watching you.
TELEMETRY TELEMETRY TELEMETRY
XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX
The white zone is for loading and unloading
FNEEjmtt$%^*&(
Solar batteries failing. Never buy them from Tesla.
5768BLORP-BEEP-TOOKIE TOOKIE
We studied your planet, your culture, and everything else we could.
TELEMETRY TELEMETRY TELEMETRY
XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX
Landing tires flat - call AAA
NNNNNNNNNNumber9999999999
My hovercraft is full of eels
Y#*denf*#$ddW
Deep Throat?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
We're sorry to tell you that your entertainment television systems are enough to scare the BNONG off DEQQUES. While we like the recreational and functional aspects of fscking, we cannot invite you to join the League of Super Planets for Peace. You're a sick society, and we can't have you infecting other planets and profaning them with your presence. Any manned attempt to leave the planet will be stopped. This includes going to your own moon, which you haven't even visited for over 50 years. There's gratitude for you.
You are invited to try again in another 100 years, if there's anything left of the planet and its (alleged) civilization.
Rock On!
- Microsoft-backed robovans to deliver grub in London
- Oh great. Now Londoners will have to reboot the vans....
Taylor Swift graduation speech: Embrace 'cringe'
The singer addressed a stadium full of graduates after New York University bestowed her with an honorary degree.
Embrace cringe is code for buy my albums: plenty of cringe there
Didja ever notice the procession of presidential putzes is only getting thicker? Is Dubya jealous of Biden, or is his mind just fixed on his entire reason for presidency?
Over in Afghanistan, thriving after the US left, the Taleban decreed female tv presenters must cover their faces. In a further press release, it was written that female presenters must cover their mouth too, so all women will be duct-taped prior to airtime.
Come to think of it, it would make the news a lot more truthful....
The new iDevice update has something called Door Detection.
This is almost miraculous, especially for those of us prone to running into doors.
Uh-oh. The religious have been talking about the end of the world approaching. This is just the sort of event that could start it off....
For whatever reason, men's and women's soccer teams were not getting paid or prized equally, so naturally there was a lawsuit. The result was everybody would be paid equally. Hurrah hurrah!
Ownership of soccer is private. They can pay everybody what they want. This holds double if one team pulls in more revenue than the other. Let's say you have a room full of commissioned shoe salespersons (oof). If you pay them equally, there's no incentive to sell more. If the female salespersons consistently sell more shoes, what would be the point in paying the male salespersons the same amount?IF the soccer league were state-owned, they'd have to pay equally, and the suit would have merit.
In related news, a California law requiring women on corporate boards is unconstitutional.
Study also suggests test results get funnier the more crack is consumed before starting the tests.
This may be true, though. Cats wouldn't give us the satisfaction of telling us.
Our cousins in England face the prospect of a law that would provide instant fines for wolf-whistling. While England has no 1st Amendment guaranteeing free speech, they (used to) enjoy similar freedoms. Things are rapidly heading to the sewer, with laws against all types of speech. Fortunately the law is receiving pushback. C'mon Cuz, stick up for yourselves!
Better Late Than Never?
The Department of Justice will no longer prosecute good-faith hackers.
--> No, really. They went after people looking for security vulnerabilities or hackers hired by companies to test their security. Dumbkopfs.
Canada, leaping into inaction, says no more Huawei and ZTE phones on 5g networks due to security concerns
--> meh... no problem being years behind. Even Trump did this earlier.
A National Guard office was allowed to retire after motorboating a subordinate.
--> the brave people defending this country face many obstacles, as do the brave officers training them. Very few people understand the pressure on officers. This particular officer let the pressure get to him. At no point should this kind of thing happen. You're supposed to motorboat them in private. Small wonder he retired.
Meta tells employees to stop discussing abortion at work
Employees say the stance runs counter to Meta policies on discussing Black Lives Matter and trans rights
Not that the government should get involved, because this is a private company, but note the hypocrisy. This could be fixed by discussing how BLM's founder took the money and bought a bunch of houses for herself. That should pretty much take BLM off the menu.
*at least no one said to stop having abortions at work....
- Oklahoma passes bill banning most abortions after conception
- Da bahble sez.... dis needs to be sahned by thuh governator
- Even worse, a Trump-lauded candidate wants to make birth control illegal. These people are sick and bent on total governmental control.
Now that Elon Musk is busy with Twitter, other automakers are using the time to get their vehicles into the spotlight. Take Hyundai/Kia, which just announced a recall of 20,000 electric vehicles because a voltage fluctuation could cause the brakes to unbrake while the car is parked. I say this is not a bug, it's a feature. Just park the car next to the neighbor you hate and wait....
Chinese ‘Space Pirates’ are hacking Russian aerospace firmsChinese Space Pirates... the newest Z-Class movie from Hollywood. To be followed by Chinese Space Pirates II, Chinese Space Pirates: Pirating Again in an Hour, and Chinese Space Pirates: Please See This Schlock.What would the uniforms look like?Would the ships be run by 'pirated' copies of Windows 10?Would their Super Very Good Ray Guns have bayonets at the ends?Stay tuned....
Today's version of "I was minding my own business" is brought to you by:
Yoo Hoo. A drink best served very cold, even in juice boxes. Several.
So I was minding my own business, doing a very important Something or Other, when I discovered I was hot. Not 'good-looking' hot; temperature hot. Nobody refers to me as good-looking except Wife, but she has paperwork (and poor taste in men). I discovered I was hot because very little happens to me in real time. I have to sit there for a while before something registers, then it starts to bubble up through my subconscious, unlike Cher going after the role of a 25 year old. It's worse with feelings... it takes me even longer to realize I'm feeling anxious or depressed or happy. Fortunately I don't have to worry about the happy part, as it only occur every five years, like when California puts through a law that makes sense.
Feeling way too warm, I made a snap executive decision: the fan would be activated. Fan operation is made way more difficult, like most things, by the absence of its remote control. Anything with a remote will become inoperable because the remote goes to the place that's worse than where the single sock goes to. You can actually observe this phenomenon in action.... just take a new, out-of-the-box remote control for anything, and put it on the table. Within seconds, it will disappear, provided the batteries were installed. Nothing happens until you install batteries, which sometimes requires its own manual. In the 'old days' (2 years ago), those round batteries were on computer motherboards and helped them remember the date. Now they're in everything, causing them to cost $97 per battery, unless you purchase the handy dandy multiple battery pack, at the bargain price of $251 for 2. Then you have to pay close attention to the really hastily scribbled instructions or the tiny little diagram on the item itself, letting you know where to put the positive terminal of the battery. It's an awful shame nothing tells you which SIDE is the positive terminal. Oh well, you have a %50 chance of getting it right. You DID make a note of it when you removed the old one, didn't you? I miss 9v batteries.. all the guitar effects used them, as well as radios. And you can't even find a vibrator that uses D batteries anymore. Or those humongo 6v batteries that were half the size of a car battery, that Radio Shack (sniff) used to sell. Sell is a misnomer: keep around forever is more accurate.
Because the fan remote went into my hands before it hit the table, I got to use it last season. It was glorious, especially from across the room. Unfortunately, somebody 'put it away' on the table, and you can guess what happened. Some of you will say, "Goddamit, why don't you get up off your fat, lazy, puerile bum and push the power button yourself?" and you'd have a point, except I did it so many times that the actual button is worn off, so it will only operate with the remote. Plus there are other functions: since I'm across the room and the fan oscillates, I need to start it and stop the oscillation at the point where it blows on me. It's like a carnival booth, but I have less chance of winning. Pretty soon there will be a remote to control your entire dumb house, including fans, vibrators, and blenders.
Allllll the way across the room I go, for that Fan Goodness, when I come across Obstacle #2: dresses on the fan. You have dresses on your fan too, right? It's not like I'm not totally used to The Bizarre, but this threw me a bit. I had to find a place for said dresses; one that wouldn't make them disappear, especially because I wasn't going to operate the dresses (I barely look good in jeans). Finally I was ready for Fan Goodness. I manually turned the fan on, sat down, and discovered it was pointed the wrong way. I fear I will require one of those surveyor tools, a night scope, and an LED rangefinder to point the fan in the right direction. Otherwise I have to wait for an adult to stand there, moving it slightly, then asking, "Is it ok now?" repeatedly. Can you hear me now? How about now?
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