Monday, July 16, 2012

Things I Have Learned from Watching COPS

  • Your policeman, soldier man and assaknot don't give you no break.
  • No matter what the crook is caught with, `Dat not mines'.  If the police pull it our of their pants, the pants aren't theirs.  If they were driving, the car isn't theirs.
  • People do not have needles, handguns, hand grenades or rocket launchers in their pockets.
  • Police need to give every order two or three times, in their loudest voice, before people understand.
  • Men with mullets commit more crime than anyone else.
  • You have the right to remain silent, but you most likely won't.
  • No matter how serious the crime, before going into the back of the police car, every criminal needs a cigarette.
  • Inner Circle, who sings the theme song, just put out their second release.
  • If there is an attractive woman on COPS, she is a meth addict (this might say more about me than them).  If there is an attractive policewoman, she was a minority hire.
  • If it's 132+Bush, I've got them at gunpoint.
  • `Put your hands behind your back' means `flail about wildly' in Criminal.
  • Men never pick up prostitutes - they offer them rides.
  • Names like Mitsuo Goto and Sandy Emiko Itao are in the credits.
  • Nothing good ever happens in a trailer park.
  • When the police dispatcher says `man with a gun,' the call will be about a woman hiding pork chops in her pants.
  • Albuquerque is not a safe place for a transvestite truck driver to run around in a leopard leotard and lipstick, looking (and feeling) pretty.

Yeah, COPS is my one guilty pleasure.  This admission is particularly ironic in light of my recent visit from the county sheriff's office.  There I sat, watching COPS, when there was a knock at the door.  The fellow there, with the large gun, asked if I was me (which I was) and mentioned that he had a warrant because of an unpaid ticket.

Yes, certain townships within the county send the sheriff out for one unpaid ticket.  Let's face it, the reason I got the ticket in the first place was because that particular township uses tickets as a revenue stream, so it makes sense that they'd send someone to my house.

I will soon have a court date and will report accordingly.   And just in case you're curious, this is all over a parking issue.

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