Butt Pains in the Afterlife

 

Your love is like  chewing lemons for lunch

FedEx Support Employee on Twitter: Sorry We Lost Your Dead Body

I hate when that happens. They're so small they tend to get lost. 

P.S. The body escaped three years ago.

Today I identify as  some good looking person, like Brad Pitt.

But It's for the Children

DHS bought “shocking amount” of warrantless phone-tracking data, ACLU says

Once again.... you don't believe me? If they CAN, they WILL. It is not safe to give them an inch. Now let's see what the NSA collects [hint: everything, warrantless].

The Fourth Amendment guarantees the right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure. 

• It took a while to get my work iDevice to ring. Eventually it turned out to be the ringer switch, which I didn't turn off. I continue not to turn it off and it continues to be off. I think we've reached equilibrium: I don't like the phone and it doesn't like me.
• It's getting pretty long in the tooth, meaning there's a replacement on my horizon. I fear no matter how much pleading, begging, doctor's notes, and antibiotics I offer, it's still going to be an iDevice.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar were among those detained near the Supreme Court during an abortion protest.

Not that it's a bad idea for the three to be put away somewhere... but they were blocking a street, and that's not free expression. And I support their cause.

Ode to a Dead Fly in my Lemon Water

Oh fly, why did you drop by 

Out of the sky, when night was nigh

I cut a lemon for my drink

I did not think

You'd be by

I drank

I spat

I ruminated

This is why I drink soda

I think I need a sippy cup.

The astronauts don't have to worry about a fly in their water; why should I?

Of course the astronauts drink and eat through straws and wear adult diapers. There is always the question of whether or not two (or more) of them have had boom boom in space. If you think about the mechanics, it seems really difficult... one thrust and you both go plunging off in opposite directions. If you were trying to get pregnant, this would not be worth the effort. If you could both get in your NASA-approved sleeping bags, it would be much easier to mattress-dance.

You'd have to wear a condom, because, face it, you wouldn't want to be an astronaut, floating along, minding your own business, when you ran smack into Floating Sperm<tm>. That would be pretty gross, unless you're into that sort of thing. And let's face it, you couldn't do this at home. Anal would be VERBOTEN. Imagine mixing up your KY and your mashed peas containers. No straws, please.

Oral would be much easier. In fact, there is a kill switch on the video feed to NASA, in case oral breaks out. So if you're watching the Space Shuttle feed and there's a 30 second break, one of the guys is getting his candle waxed. NASA calls this Interruption Due To Oro-Genital Interface. You can be sure this happened when the video starts back up and at least one astronaut has a faraway look in his or her eyes and is trying to hide a big smile.

UPDATE: 

The following evening's lemon water was free of flies. Unfortunately I can't be 100% sure because I made it in a black cup and couldn't really see inside it. Sometimes I seriously outsmart myself.

I was too happy yesterday, so I watched some of the trial in the Parkland shooting. I saw testimony from two of the victims. One thing that occurred to me, aside from the sheer terror of being in a classroom when this happened, is that the school system has to try harder: their grammar was atrocious. "I done this", "I left out", all sentences start with "So", the word "essentially" repeated in the same sentence. It was not a strong endorsement for public education. At least the kids weren't in their English class when the shooting started.

Maybe the shooter was from a more militant wing of the Grammar Police.

Unwanted Lifeforms, Spock  

As I've written, the neighborhood is alive with things we'd rather not have in our houses. When they hit, the ants are horrible and multitudinous. There were the mice, but that's not common. Now it's the flies. These fsckers are huge... they must be genetic defects, let out of the farm, probably in China. They frighten the dog, even though they're only half her size. Using Science, we set off to figure out how they were getting in. We checked windows, doors, amplifiers, and roofs; everything was sealed up tight. Perhaps, like aliens, they can walk (or fly) through walls. I'm going to go ahead and discount this theory, as good as it sounds. Maybe they have tiny bolt cutters and make tiny cuts in the window screens, then wave all their fly friends in (like illegal flying aliens). Perhaps they line up, in groups of 50, waiting for one of us to open a door, then CHARGE in. Someone got out the insect spray and let loose near a window. It was a complete massacre. Bodies all over the place. The 11:00 Fly News will report a shooting of immense proportions, and demand a ban on insecticide. 

Sometimes you can use substances to not kill them, but deter them. Mice don't like orange and a few other things. We're going to try lemons, Diet Pepsi, napalm, hot peppers, and M80s. We have to use these only at the front of the house, as Mrs. lefty smokes at the back of the house, and we feel the resultant BOOM would be inconvenient (unless the Jehovahs come by). 

I'm sitting there, in my favorite chair, minding my own business, with my favorite laptop, when the bombing starts. WHIZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZ WHZZZZZZ It's the flies, Batman - get out the Bat-Swatter! My laptop and the lamp next to it are very bright, making us a prime flying spot. Since Wife massacred them, I will look forward to a quiet night tonight (unless the president lets the Mexican flies in).

We have a tennis racket, you know. It's an electric one. You push the button and swat at things that are flying around. If you get one, it goes BZZZZ also, but it's a more satisfying BZZZZ because you're killing the flying bastards. In effect it's a Racket Zapper, like your bug zapper from outside [think Prince's 'When Doves Cry' - This is what it sounds like... when bugs fry   BZZZZ  BZZZZ].

So while we're watching the Parkland shooting trial, no one's mourning the Great Fly Massacre of 2022. And we still don't know how they're getting in.

HOLD ON a minute.... a British company called Faradair is working on a 19 seat electric plane. I'm wondering to myself how are they going to get 19 people plus the batteries to fly the plane into the air?  They're not. There is a small gas turbine to provide the electricity. By that definition our cars are electric too.

"[insert name] would want you to go on and be happy. Find a new mate."

After you die, would you truly want your significant other to go on and find a new mate? People frequently assign wants to the dead. As I've never been dead (at least I think I've never been dead), I don't know if it matters. (No, I'd want you to be in mourning for the rest of your life)     How about you? 

And if you have been dead, let us know. Did you go to the light? See departed relatives? Jimi Hendrix? I'd like to see some departed, but am in no hurry to be dead. Wife may have other ideas...

Speaking of the dead..... 

For some reason I don't want to contemplate, sitting next to me is Death, complete with robe and all the trimmings. 

To what do we owe the pleasure?

I'm on the 2022 Reputation Tour

What do you hope to accomplish?

To get people to realize I'm not a bad... umm... person. 

What are some of the issues?

Well, people are terrified of me, mainly. They won't even shake my hand. Nobody will say as much as "Good morning" to me. No one is ever happy to see me, and I never get any chicks.

Oh, you're male?

Does my voice sound hormone-influenced?

Point taken. How did you get this gig?

God called a staff meeting and I overslept. Last one in gets the really horrible jobs.

But aren't you an angel?

That word doesn't mean what you think it means.

What sorts of things can you do?

Duh.

Oh. How does the process work?

A lot of people think I write their name in the Book of the No Longer Living. This is not accurate. They only get there after the fact, so I can keep track and my boss knows I haven't been slacking. Beware of the word 'metrics'. God discovered it and that's all I've heard for 10,003 years. He thinks He's a corporate genius.

Have there been any accurate descriptions of you?

Yeah, Family Guy. I'm not on anymore because Norm McDonald came to join me. His voice was pretty accurate. Anyway, I pretty much show up, the subject gets terrified, I touch them and tell them to come with me, and it's all over but the burying.

What if the subject doesn't follow you?

They all do. Eventually.

Grim.

You're telling me.

At the risk of sounding like a psychologist, how does it make you feel?

Horrible. It's unbelievably depressing. In 10,003 years, there have only been a few people happy to see me: the nutballs who castrated themselves and thought they were going to Haley's Comet. The goths. Hitler. And mostly the religious. They seem to think they're going to a greater reward. It's not pretty when they discover reality.

How do you keep yourself sane?

Who diagnosed me sane? I tried antidepressants but all they did was make my junk stop working, not that I get much chance to use it. Death Groupies are few and far between. And weird. I tried exercise, but found out that in the living, it causes cancer. It doesn't do anything for the dead except piss them off. Just like the living, I guess... heh heh. I get a real boost from snow; most heart attacks are caused by shoveling.

What about pets?

I used to have a dog, but he died.

I meant do you visit them in your official capacity?

No, that would be too sad, even for me.

Any hobbies? Recreation?

I play guitar. You think Keith Richards has all that death imagery for no reason? He's my special project - he's been dead for 35 years and doesn't know it. I like junk food, and always wash it down with Yoo Hoo. 

How about Ozzy?

Ozzy is a special case. He's halfway between the living and the dead, but he's so drug-addled, he has no concept of it. And no rhythm.

Death metal?

Contrary to popular belief, I have nothing at all to do with that genre. You may be shocked to find out they're mostly churchgoing guys, who don't drink or do drugs. They're really no fun, as a group.

Hollywood?

They're actually my best recruiting agents. After listening to them and seeing them, most people are inclined toward death.

Is there a retirement or way out in your future?

Well, I could get demoted to Congress, but nobody wants to go there. I have no retirement plan, but if God calls another meeting and I'm not last in, someone else might be called to take over for me. I hope it's one of those goody two shoes angels - they're pathetic with their sycophantic behavior. God sees right through them. 

Well, Death, you seem like a good dude; just misunderstood. You're welcome to stop by whenever you want... err.... unofficially.