It Smells Like There's Something Dead in Here

Your love is like  STDs so new, they don't have names yet

• It was years in the making, but the UK finally got tired of Boris Johnson and he resigned. Rumors state that late at night while he slept, his hair would get up to all sorts of hijinks. This explains a lot.
• Other rumors are that the opposing party (the Bad Wigs) have pictures of Boris at a sex party, dressed as a lamp post.

Today I identify as  a cigarette.. I'm highly-taxed and no good

DUCK - INCOMING

 You know how, if you put something in the fridge at the wrong angle, the next time you open the door, it will leap out of the fridge?  I just had the freezer lob a wireless phone at me. Using my mastery of temperature, I figured out it was not actually in the freezer. So now I have to wonder if the freezer has reached sentience and has figured out how to throw things at me. Things that weren't in it.

Eventually, somebody here will want to know where the wireless phone is. I'll suggest the freezer. And a Kevlar vest.

Could we hold up on asshole bleaching, at least til it gets cooler?

Thanks.

Mojo Vision has a smart contact lens prototype, that puts a micro-LED display on a contact lens. The whole unit is undetectable, except for the huge SVGA cable going up to your eyes.

Disney is going to lose the copyright to Mickey Mouse. It expires in 2024, almost 95 years from its creation in 1928. It turns out that Disney isn't too worried, as no one would dare use Mickey, for fear of going missing and never seeing their family again. While Florida is a state, Disney is its own nation state, employing more lawyers than Washington DC. If suing you to death fails, they'll simply deploy one of their 'lawsuit reduction specialists' to terminate you with extreme prejudice.

Missing British homing pigeon, Bob, found 4,000 miles away in Alabama.

Experts, who are embarrassed to admit they're pigeon experts, believe he caught a ship for America, as he wouldn't be capable of flying all the way. Other theories include quantum teleportation and aliens. Experts warn there's always a 'Bob', regardless of species. Bob's owners are considering dragging themselves into the 20th century and using the Pony Express. The laugh will be on them, as there are over 1,400 Bobs delivering the mail. Bob is currently being cared for by an animal group, where he is teaching the US Postal Service correct addressing. Bob is worth 1,000 lbs (13 grams), but nobody knows why.

Correction: the above may be a cleverly-disguised July 4th joke from England.

Nancy Pelosi (D-Why?) received communion in the Vatican despite her abortion stance. Her archbishop says her pro-choice views will keep her from receiving communion in the future. The archbishop noted their rules are "kind of bendy."

Asked for comment, the pope said in Pelosi's case, communion would not be denied on the basis of abortion stance; instead it will be denied because she's a very naughty person and she smells like death.

 

BEST HEADLINE 

Florida once again has giant calamitous snails that spew parasitic brain worms (for the third time)

Work is fun. And when I say fun, I mean a trip into the Weird Zone<tm>.

Something inside a server broke. On this, everyone can agree. Unfortunately, no one else can agree on anything else, including UPS, Manglement, the server guys, Ignatz the Wonder Llama, and me. Our service contract states we'll be back in service within 4 hours. What this actually means is that we'll be back up in any number of hours that has a 4 in it, like 444. My extremely complex task is not to fix the server, but to walk the tech in, point to the server, and let him fix it. I've been paid for less, but not recently.

The replacement part came in, signed for by Bob Smith. That was good, except there is no Bob Smith in our (dis)organization. The tech traced things and found out Bob Smith is not with me, but with the carrier. Or something. The tech should have known the box was returned. How he should have known was not apparent.

So they sent a second part. It actually arrived. My second 1 hour trip occurred and I pointed the tech at the server. He replaced the part, the server came up, and Robin's minstrels played. I spent half an hour trying to get hold of the server people to test things. They were nowhere to be found. An hour later, the server people wanted to know why it wasn't tested - the thing was freaking out and randomly rebooting itself. I got a gold star from my boss for never saying the word 'Windows.' So the tech says the second part is broken and ain't nothin we can do til third part comes in.

So that's two 1 hour trips in the same day.

Today they tell me the third part has come in. It was signed for by Jim Smith. I'm not taking the bait this time. There's no Jim Smith. I have to call around to receiving and 17 other departments to find out if it was delivered, or I should have known it was sent back. I refuse to leave the house until I verify it was delivered. I feel like I'm fighting City Hall. 

We locate the errant (third) part and convene in the server room. The poor guy troubleshoots until his head explodes, then calls Dell. Now *I* have to clean the residue of his head off the servers. But wait - it gets better. There are still parts needed! Because I can't trust Bob or Jim Smith, they're getting sent to ME at home, then I have to go back into work. For those of you playing along at home, that's 2 days with 2 trips into work per day. I am not greedy - I asked for ice cream. But I'd rather have a shrubbery. Meanwhile, my stomach was growling in Morse code.. something like "SOS - I haven't eaten since last night." I'm asking for bedding to be installed. With concubines. I am not high-maintenance.

Tonight Tonight! On ABCBS! More Shitty Reality Shows!

Changing Your Car's Oil with the Stars!

Vacuuming with the Stars!

Dancing with Your Car Mechanic!

Survivor - DMV!

Sex with the Dunkin Donuts Counterperson!

Hey - That Girl Has a Penis!

and more....

• The ticket company seems insistent on letting me know Cardi B is coming. And there are some more tickets available! I plan to stand in line to avoid this show.
• Speaking of which, MISTER Cardi B is in deep doo-doo for not registering his sex offender status when they moved.

 I just wanted everybody to know we're doing our part for the local economy. We're having the streets repaired. Or something. I say we're doing our part for the economy because we did this last year too. I don't want to be the one who complains about unrepaired roads, so I watch with interest. Or rather, I listen. Even dead people hear this equipment.

Since I was little, all road repairs all over the area were done by one company - ACME Road Repairs. Their mascot is Wile E. Coyote on a rocket. One of the questions I don't ask is why this company does all the work. If I did, I might end up in a landfill somewhere, never asking questions again. I'm married to a very dangerous woman, with stacks of true murder books, so I'm used to not asking too many questions. Another question I dare not ask is why this needs to happen every year. It may not be the frequency of repairs so much as why the repairs don't seem to actually repair anything. There's a hole around the corner that has eaten several cars and at least one house.

Citizen: Excuse me, Mr. Street Repairer, can you tell me why there are yearly repairs but huge potholes?

ACME: Yo, Vinnie, dis guy wants ta know why we're here so much.

Vinnie Soprano: Sir, it's very simple: this is not a repair - it's a refresh. We refresh the existing roads.

Citizen: What about the potholes?

Vinnie Soprano: Dat's a repair, not a refresh. It's a whole different contract that needs to be signed and funded by the state. If the funds aren't available, the president will take care of it in his next $52 trillion spending project.

Citizen: So nothing's getting fixed?

Vinnie: Sir, are you acting wise wid me? That machine over there can disintegrate a body. You will reach immortality, cuz you'll be a foundation of the street refresh project.

Citizen: No, no, just askin'. Can I get you a beer? I know you can drink on the job, being city workers.

So this huge company has equipment you've never seen, including this thing on tracks, that seems to gouge the street, then sent the individual bits up a ramp, onto a truck that runs in front of it. I think this is also where the bodies go. Judging by the tracks, this is also some kind of military vehicle. Since there are so many of them and one company doing the work, I think the company is a front for the Pentagon. While they look like they're doing road work, they're actually protecting us from our enemies.  Should anybody try to invade, the machinery will go into Protection Mode, like a Transformer, but worse, and vanquish all enemies (whoever our enemies are at that particular moment).

While listening to a police scanner the other day, they mentioned information from the UAV. The unmanned aerial vehicle. The drone. Aside from acquisition cost, I'm guessing this runs cheaper and stays in the air longer than the helicopter. It will also fly low and other places a helo can't. Its the first time I heard police using a drone. More from the Surveillance State.

 

With all the agencies looking into anti-competitive proceedings and buyouts, I notice nobody's looking at Microsoft's dominance in the operating system field. Not that it's the government's business...

• Clerks III is coming, with the original cast.

Another day at the convenience store, another case of many missing products, even in the soda case. It's daily and nobody has satisfactorily explained it or, more importantly, fixed it. It's the same at the grocery store. The Flying AIDS fscked us all.