Your love is like battery acid that leaked all over your device
STOP THE PRESSES
New emoji for iOS and Android include a high five and shaking faceWe are a nation of morons. Make that a world of morons.
There is a group that approves and releases these. If we hadn't already achieved world peace, I'd be upset.
Today I identify as Hennifer Lopez
No, the Flying AIDS is not doing laundry, but a dear reader who has it is. The reader suggested the title. Other rejected titles include:
- Gazing longingly at covid
- Dancing with covid
- Going to a cheap motel with covid
Engine failure could cause an under-hood fire.Tesla is jealous - none of its cars has exploded in months.Ford says the problem can be mitigated by not starting the car.
- Recently in London, a large group of people chased a car that was transporting Niki Manaj. When asked how long they had been fans, they said, "Fans? No, we were chasing her AWAY."
- What are the odds.....
At least 3 dead after shooting at Indianapolis-area mall
A lawfully armed "good Samaritan" shot and killed the suspect, the mayor said.
Gun control gun control gun control.... oops
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| Biden begins fisticuffs with Saudi Arabian prince |
Meta asks line managers to identify poorly performing staff for firing
Meta asks line managers to identify poorly performing staff for promotion
Lord Zuck went on to say, "With only 72,000 employees, we felt we weren't getting the incompetence needed to run this whorehouse. We have instituted self-improvement programs so our employees can live up to their fullest incompetence potential."
Hey, kids, it's time to PANIC!
No, it's not going to snow. There are no elections.
It's the Monkeypox! Yes there are 1,470 cases in the US, according to the CDC, and we're short on vaccines (buy Pharma stock NOW). According to the WHO, there are 14 cases and it's nothing to worry about. According to Lord Fauci, we need to start closing businesses that haven't gone out of business during the last closures. According to Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey, WHO is trademarked and they are going to sue, vowing not to be fooled again.
Why is there dirt under my fingernails?
I'd understand if I were tuning up the car, playing in the dirt, or doing self-exams, but I don't do anything. If I'm sitting in my office, I notice dirt under there. If I clean it, it comes back within hours. Does it pick up dirt from the atmosphere? Has my keyboard been soaked in silt? Is my emotional support elephant tracking mud into the office? If I had OCD, this would be a nightmare.
Maybe it's the aliens. They abduct me and I'm completely unaware of it. The only remainder is dirt under my fingernails (and a sore anus).
I've never really seen an alien, that I know of. If they shape-shift, it's all out the window. They say the Queen is a reptilian. It's not that she's old, but she might be the original snake. Bush too. Unfortunately he's the Special Snake. He has a lot of gold stars from when he went to school and did good. Kissinger and Cheney are komodo dragons - one bite has enough pathogens to wipe out a football team (or a few towers). The gray aliens are reported between three and five feet tall, which makes it difficult to get uniforms. There are no basketball teams where the grays come from.
When the grays abduct you, you are given a memory block, so you won't be traumatized. Unlike the men and women we send into combat. Many abductions are recalled under hypnosis, the most famous being Betty and Barney Hill. Barney worked for the Postal Service, before they started shooting each other. Betty worked on her very silly northeastern US accent. It wasn't quite Kennedy, but it was on its way. Way before Monica's dress, there was Betty's dress, with Eau d'Alien. Later on, some abductees were discovered to have things inside them. Some were removed and found to be not made like stuff on Earth. Others had entire tractors pulled from their ears. They were not discovered to be Space Tractors, but if you think about it, how would we know what Space Tractors would look like? Trump was silent when he was asked if Space Force used Space Tractors. Some implants moved when surgeons tried to remove them. It looked like a cartoon, with the good guys (doctors) chasing the bad guys (implants) through hallways with ten doors. They'd go into one door and come out another door that wasn't next to the first one. These implants were used as location trackers, just like cell phones. Unfortunately they didn't all work because Bob the Alien forgot to raise the antennas. The leading researcher died suddenly, of a 'heart attack.' Did they look for grays? No.
Another popular alien class is the Nordics. They're tall and blonde, as you'd expect. They're otherwise known as Models. Just when you thought the dumbest people on the planet modeled clothes, you find out they're aliens. Don't worry too hard - they're still vapid. No, the Kardashians are NOT Nordics (or models). They're simply vapid.
Sometimes, when Bob the alien did the memory block, memories start coming back to the person. It's like childhood trauma memories, but more fun. No matter how many alien missions there are, there's always a Bob. They have to take him along, under the Woke Alien Act. He's not sick, he's special. And we all celebrate the special. There are also blue aliens, that look just like the gray aliens. After 14537 years of war, the blues were officially declared equal to the grays. Now there must be more blue aliens on the ship than grays, because of Alien Diversity Officers. While some grays don't like blues, they must take special training so they don't offend the blues and feel appropriately guilty.
There are also what is described at Grasshopper aliens. These are essentially seven foot tall grasshoppers (or cockroaches, depending on the time of day). This is where Earth drew the line and said "Nuh-uh, no sir, we are NOT dealing with seven foot tall cockroaches, no thank you." Earth put in a complaint with the Alien Invasion Council and as a result, the grasshoppers are not allowed on the planet. And Earth had a point. It is only a matter of time until our own cockroaches reach seven feet.
You would be surprised at some earthlings found to be aliens
- Keith Richards - how else could you explain his extended life?
- Richard Nixon - you probably knew this
- JFK and RFK - that accent doesn't exist anywhere in MA
- Georgio Tsoukalos - alien hair
- Andy Dick - was there ever any doubt?
Which probably explains the dirt under my fingernails.
NOTICE: As of this day, we will not click on, view, walk by, or notice out of the corner of our eye, anything described as 'hawt'. That is all.
A Russian tennis player just came out as gay.
In a vacuum, this sounds silly. She's the same as you or me, only she prefers the same sex. Why is this news? Ok there's the encouragement of closeted gays, but do we need to know what she does in her own bedroom? I don't. I wouldn't care if she was heterosexual either. We need to get over this.
I watched a little of the Parkland shooter's sentencing trial.
I used to be a proponent of the death penalty, then spent some time thinking about it. In the end, I prefer a life sentence because I don't think the State has a right to take a life. Plus a life sentence is hell... he will suffer til the end of his days. We're short of knowledge on what happens if he were to be put to death.
I also desperately want to know why. He doesn't look cuckoo, like the other famous shooters. There's no way to look at him and tell if he's programmed - only a good psychologist can tell (think Sirhan Sirhan). Is he so damaged that human life means nothing to him?
I got good at missin' her, I practice all the time
-ZZ Top Pan Am Highway Blues
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