Boris Johnson won the election for the Conservative Party. This means he will be Prime Minister, but not now, for reasons nobody, including British citizens, can figure out. First there will be the initiation, with the male MPs, wooden paddles, and the Donkey Show. His official song will be Boris the Spider, by The Who.
This means the UK has normalized Interesting Hair. The Ministry of Silly Hats is worried for its future under Brexit. Perhaps out of spite, most of Mr. Johnson's hair was where it should have been today. It turns out the lawnmower wouldn't start this morning. Even liberals are paying attention, because they want to know what Boris' hair got up to today.
The only controversy thus far is that the UN met last week and decided that there can only be one Boris, and Mr. Yeltsin has already been there. Replacement name suggestions have been floated: Bob, Chauncy, Spot, and Cindy.
The acceptance speech was full of energy and promised decreased spending for education, social services, horse racing, Very Large Hats, and kebab shops. In a nod to Vermin Supreme, everyone will get a free* pony or a free toothbrush, because oral hygiene is a strong metaphor for government. Joyful at the announcement, the audience clapped, reservedly hooted, and men kissed other men.
* not free
Man on the Street interviews featured men, well dressed, saying important-sounding things in strange accents. I could make out the word 'exit' a lot.
Woman on the Street interviews featured hats so large, they couldn't fit in the shot, so there were two disembodied voices, being political, and not being seen. Boris was elated, remarking that women shouldn't be seen OR heard. Note to women on tv: that face makeup really does wonders for you - it puts the rose back in your cheeks and makes you look almost normal. The failure to apply it to your neck makes your neck glow, like a geek who never sees the sun, in a graveyard, under a black light.
Critics were immediately heard, in the form of outraged MPs, demanding to see if the liberal party has less frightening-looking women than the conservative party. They said 'exit' a lot too. This must be some sort of political keyword, because it's used all over the place. The American correspondent's mic was muted, so all you heard was 'what are these people talking about' and a lot of giggling. The Irish correspondent said something about Resisting taking the Exit train over the edge, which caused even more laughter from the American correspondent. The promised Horse on the Street interview never materialized.
Sky News will feature videos of Boris' youth*, around age 6, with him running around shirtless, with friends. This goes to show the fix was in when he was little; and that he does have friends.
* I'm not kidding.
Watch out, UK - it's our turn!
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