Our semi-friendly guard has slightly unzipped his hazmat suit, having been here 2 weeks, figuring we're clean. Maybe tomorrow he'll take the coffee we keep offering him. The Pop Tarts are fresh too. We're still the only house on the block with a guard.
We're catching up on our bad 70s shows (that we never watched originally).
And the old game shows, where each contestant, host, and celebrity guest is dead (except Betty White, of course). Anything but TMZ and that furry show at the top of the ratings.
- We are deeply saddened by the mask and rubber glove shortage. We donated all our rubber gloves to the hospital, and now we can't have sex.
- It's also a great time to work on household projects. Or, in my case, to keep on ignoring household projects.
Wife said there are 3 kinds of people: hoarders, pack-rats, and normal people.
She is a pack-rat and she said I'm a hoarder. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, but I dare not doubt her or ask for an explanation.
None of us are hoarders. How do I know?
We applied to go on that Hoarders show, but were rejected when they found out they could walk around freely, with no piles of newspapers over 2 feet. Also, our psychiatric diagnoses weren't spectacular enough... neither of us would even cry.
So I set out to document the difference between pack-rat and hoarder.
Both of us have the faceplate screw from a 1950 Hammarland tube shortwave receiver. These are valuable. If I understand correctly, the pack-rat doesn't remember what it's for and throws it out. The hoarder holds onto it, just in case a 1950 Hammarlund tube shortwave wanders into his house. It would have to wander, because it weighs around 60 pounds. Or maybe he can give it to somebody who needs it.
The pack-rat has half a house worth of Stuff, cleverly located in the middle of everything, in every room, mostly shoes. It required a board meeting with at least 2/3 present, to decide what's going. The hoarder has half a house worth of Stuff, but has it cleverly located where it's much harder to see. And nothing's going. Wait! We are hearing from the hoarder.. as a concession, he will throw out the remote control for a 1983 Radio Shack answering machine. He will not throw out the machine itself, in case he needs it somewhere down the road. Hang on... he has another magnanimous gesture: he will add the pushbutton phone with no # or * keys, even though it will be a collectors item (about 25 years after he's dead).
When there's a project, the pack-rat cannot find anything purchased specifically for any project and goes to the store for more of them. The hoarder goes to his collection of parts and finds everything he needs to build an electronic doodad (Shop At lefty's!).
The pack-rat buys slightly older Barbies because they will be worth something.
The hoarder bought a $50 guitar toy. Because a famous person was associated with it, it will be worth $500 or more, when he sells it.
The pack-rat put a Barbie steering wheel cover on her head, as a hair band. She realized she did it when the neighbors just shook their heads: this wasn't the first time. The hoarder is never bothered by neighbors because federal agencies routinely knock on their doors and ask questions about him.
See where I'm going here?
Neither do I.
- Dunkin Donuts is still closed, despite a corporate statement they were open. Mrs lefty is going through detox. I want a damn frozen hot chocolate. We're simple people.
We have to be very careful with Penny. Dogs have gotten the Flying AIDS, so we need to make sure she doesn't. It's incredibly difficult to practice social distancing with a delightful fuzzy dog, who licks your face and sleeps between you two in bed.
- It's funny and odd what captivity will do to people. The poor parents are now stuck with their kids, husbands and wives are stuck with each other, and boyfriends/girlfriends have decided to shelter separately. Divorce lawyers will make out wonderfully, if they're ever allowed to leave the house.
- We don't have problems here. We're married AND actually like each other.
- The only change is that Mrs lefty has turned into a raving nymphomaniac.
- I had to get up early this morning, so that's all I remember of my dream.
New Jersey has a lot more cases of Flying AIDS than Pennsylvania.
I think it's a good idea to close the bridges so the Jersey-ites don't get into Philly. Of course I think this is a good idea 365 days a year. You don't have to pay a toll to get from Philly to Jersey but you do to get from Jersey to Philly. They knew people would pay handsomely to get out of New Jersey.
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