Eyebrow design. I had hoped that 2017 was Year of the Eyebrow and we'd never hear or see anything about it again. My wife, who spends as much time in malls as me, seemed to know all about it. I guess eyebrows are the natural progression from breast implants to push-up bras to blue hair to Brazilian waxes and anal bleaching. It's a weird world, but generally fun to live in.
I know, deep down, that there had to be some sort of Eyebrow Control Station somewhere, so why not the mall? They were closely located to the perfume wagon with the obnoxious foreign fellow, spraying everyone walking by, then asking if they want to try the perfume (Eau de Skunk toilet water). On the other side was the soda machine. Like antiques and vintage guitars, if you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. There were no prices on the soda bottles, but they did have a slot for your debit card. And if you need a debit card to buy a bottle of soda....
Although I suspect the eyebrow place catered strictly to women, I allowed as how my eyebrow control is relegated to genetics. This doesn't stop my coworker from making rude comments about them. As she's female, they're even funnier, regardless of my having to go to the bathroom and cry for a half hour or so, or take some time off. This is a known entity to H/R and you are allowed time to get over this, provided you come back with a psychologist's note.
I spent some time observing this operation, by which I mean staring with my mouth open as I walked by. The Main Eyebrow Design Expert was standing on the customer's lap, studiously doing something in her expert way, involving what looked like an impossibly long string of dental floss. I don't know about you, but I don't want to make the connection between eyebrows and dental floss any more than eyebrows and what looked like a combination pneumatic jackhammer and weed whacker. Small wonder the mall businesses change so rapidly between our visits.
We were pretty excited to discover a Cinnabon in the mall. You know Cinnabon, right? Impossibly good cinnamon buns with some white, sugary substance akin to icing all over the top. It's an orgasm for your mouth. Then there's the Mochalotta Chill, which is a chocolate coffee drink; perfect to wash down your bon. New was a variation on the Mochalotta - an icy drink. My head was ready to explode. I decided against a bun because I'm trying to cut down, but my wife took my job and did the Bad Influence Thing, ordering a bun. I had no choice, Your Honor. We ate it at home, with glazed eyes and satiated sighs.
Because it was New Years Day, I checked the mall's website to determine their hours. It said normal hours. Because she's a wife, my wife demanded we call too, as the site was obviously wrong. Do you think women are born with this, or does it come with the wedding band? In any case, the phone agreed with the website's hours, and off we went. The secret here is that we left about 4pm, after a brief 'getting ready period' that went about an hour. I live in terror that if, heaven forbid, there's a fire, she simply won't make it out of the building. Speaking of buildings, the mall closed at 9pm.
Much to the wife's surprise, the humongous mall consisted largely of cell phone and shoe stores. In case you're still trying to guess, it's the shoe stores that caused the most glee, in spite of her cell phone, which has a whole gaggle of gremlins in it, that have messed up her contacts so badly that wrong names and photos come up for the contact, plus it refers to Jim Smith as Jim Jones. Back to the shoe stores, it was a great day for looking at shoes. Up one aisle and down the next. Up the next aisle and down another next aisle. These stores are larger than football stadiums, as if I've ever been in a football stadium.
I think I identified one of my wife's issues as we walked down the aisles:
Got that.
Got that.
Got something similar to that.
Got one almost like that, but in a different color.
Wouldn't wear that if they paid me.
DAMMIT- I knew they wouldn't have that in my size.
Praying for the sweet release of death, I thought we could get out of the store at that point. Proving that thinking positive is a waste of time, she discovered the Closeout section. Did you know that women's shoes go to size 15-16? Why that's ... uhhh... size 27 in men's. Must be like wearing an alligator on both feet. And in about 15 minutes, I'm going to get a nastygram from one of my readers who wears a size 16 due to a congenital deformity and I will have to stop blogging out of shame.
When she decided to try 'just a few on,' I asked if she wanted me to adopt a lisp and play Male Shoe Store Employee. She laughed and said no, as she handed me six boxes to shoes to carry over to the bench to try on. I got to hand her the shoes one by one, then she asked me how they looked. What is the correct answer here - I don't know but I can say with absolute certainty that "the shoes make you look fat" is NOT the correct answer. I discovered that agreeing with her assessment was the safest option. I should have known that because it's generally the correct answer (for dealing with me also). We escaped with only minor damage, yet great savings.
Then we went to the next shoe store. And the next shoe store. She kept feeling guilty because we had to get to the far end of the mall to visit the guitar store, which was my only stop. The far end of the mall was approximately six nautical miles in the other direction, whether taking a ship, taxi, kids' ride, or heaven forbid, walking. She wanted to get moving out of guilt. Ok, guilt and fairness, as I never get to go places I'd like to visit for one reason or the other. We noticed there were stores that never bothered to open. That's weird. What is even weirder is that some stores started closing around 6pm. Yet according to the website and phone call, as you remember, the hours were 10-9.
We got the car and drove the six nautical miles, through the frozen tundra and piles of snow that the 30% of precipitation brought us the previous day. As we saw the entrance, Wife said they look like... and I said NO. They are OPEN. They will be OPEN even if I have to use this car to make the store a drive through.
And quick as that, the store was closed. Who knows if it ever opened... certainly not mall management.
Bring the band on down behind me, boys....
For those of you playing along at home, pre-Christmas, we attempted to visit quite a number of guitar stores quite a number of times. We failed each and every time, for reasons no one can understand or articulate.
Due to the most interesting timing, or for the sake of entertainment of some larger agency of which we're completely unaware (some call it God, some call it The Universe, and some call it That Thing That Fucks With Me), anyway... I don't get presents. I don't get them at xmas and I don't get them for my birthday, as something always pops up at the last moment to divert funds from me. Even when I've been assigned a few dollars, something will require it before I get a chance to use it. Last year it was the dog's oncology bills. I try to take it with a grain of salt, even though I greatly prefer sugar. I'd rather have a well dog anyway, even if that doesn't explain why my presents came up missing most times before Marshall got sick. Can you say Obamacare and health expenses in general? I knew you could.
I mention this not for sympathy, but for background information.
As we saw no lights on at the guitar store, I yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
It's not just one event.. it's a whole compendium of them lately. After a whole mess of crap, it's hard to not take it personally. As if I were important enough in the scheme of things to be someone's entertainment.
I'm feeling kinda like Charlie Brown ("I got a rock").
I asked my dear partner who she was. Without hesitation it was Lucy. Because she's loud and in charge.
Apparently she gets good deals on shoes too.
- If you found yourself spending money at a Forever 21 store last year, you should know they got hacked, via a data stealer on their Point of Sale devices (formerly known as Cash Registers). Reacting with frightening speed, they announced the breach after being infected for 7 months, which they didn't know. How did they uncover the malware? A third party told them.
- Yes, of course their important data is encrypted to prevent theft. Only the encryption "was not always on." Bzzzt: Crap Alert.
- Customers were notified in November, after 7 months.
- The statements from Forever 21 were all ludicrous and full of imaginary visions and soothing terms. Yes, the malware ran from April to November, but in some locations, it was only running for a few days or several weeks.
- In most cases, the malware was "only" able to collect credit card numbers, expiration dates and internal verification codes, but cardholder names were also compromised in some instances. Bzzt: this press release was put out by the PR department, not the IT department.
- Oddly enough, in 2008, nearly 99,000 Forever 21 cards may have been compromised in a series of hacks.
- Before you giggle at Forever 21 customers, Brooks Brothers, Buckle, and Eddie Bauer had cyber intrusions in 2016 and 2017.
- Your best and safest option is to disguise yourself as someone else and pay cash for everything you purchase. And purchase everything in second hand stores, just in case; which are less likely to have facial recognition systems.
Parts of the northeast coastal states were confused by weather the other day. Forecasters predicted a snowstorm with 5-8" total accumulation. Because snow was forecast, no one expected it to happen. Everyone was caught with their shovels down.
Fun Stuff happens with a black dog in white snow. When he comes in, he looks like the Abominable Snow Span.
- I didn't notice for a while, but we're having a serious Gravity Day in the house. Everything my wife picked up, threw itself at the floor, taking a few other things with it. When she left the kitchen, a loaf of bread did a water slide to the floor. Then some dressing left a shelf, taking a bag of cereal with it.
- I didn't notice this happening until she made a few loud remarks on the subject. Then my vitamins fell off their perch. Then a few other things took a header off a table.
- There is no cure for gravity (that sounds deep, doesn't it?). You just have to wait til it falls off.
Speaking of snow, the forecast calls for a high of 42 degrees late this week. With that kind of weather, I need to make sure my body is bikini-ready. Meanwhile, it will be really weird, slipping on ice in June.
So.. speaking of snow, we're on our way out of the house to do a few errands and get some barbecue. OOPS, it's 4am and the wife starts talking to me as if I'm awake and waiting for her missive: "Well, so much for barbecue - we're getting rain, sleet, and more snow." I have suggested that we hold a telethon to purchase a climate. This time it's even weirder... the South is getting it too.
Speaking of snow and sleet, the PANIC has started. Schools are letting out early today and some are already closed tomorrow. This alone should indicate we'll get no precipitation at all. The stores are no doubt jammed so badly that you can't get down an aisle. This is to be expected, as it's Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) here. Bloody idiots.
Now we face a different problem... we haven't shopped in a while and are actually out of SODA. The plan was to go today. Now if we go today, we'll run into the Bloody Idiots and we won't find bread or milk in the city. If they'd stop being idiots, our life would be much easier, but that simply ain't gonna happen. If we stand too close to the idiots, people might think we ARE idiots. It's almost, but not quite, worth it to stay home, without soda.
- Speaking of staying home, I've probably mentioned that I'm working on my agoraphobia certificate. That's the disorder where you don't leave the house. I don't get out much at all, except the odd trip for barbecue or to visit a guitar store (that will invariably be closed or not have a thing for me). Psychologically I've come up with Coincident Agoraphobia, where it just looks like agoraphobia, but I can leave whenever I like, and Stupophobia, where I don't leave the house because of the idiots on the other side of the door.
- Thanks for tuning into another fascinating episode of Dr lefty, Amateur Psychologist (and part-time Gynecologist).
So this Intel chip Spectre and Meltdown vulnerabilities have been found to brick some PCs with AMD chips, sometimes completely screwing up the pc because there's no back-out point set. And if your antivirus company hasn't set a particular bit (or you have an illegal copy), you won't get any future Microsoft updates. This is going to get worse, both due to future discoveries, and the solutions that introduce different problems. Fortunately you have my bright, sunny outlook on the subject.
- Did you know that the border of the US extends 100 miles from the coast? Customs and Border Patrol can stop you, in spite of the 4th Amendment, which is obviously dead in this case. The government has legalized a brief search for immigration status, but not an invasive search (which happens anyway). If you're a victim, contact the ACLU. This is the kind of thing it is necessary to know and strongly protest. Why is it there? 9-11 was a tremendous excuse for expansion of infrastructure.
- If you're in New York City or Philadelphia, you're on the border, so watch out.
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