Guitar Strings as Garrote

With this increasingly technical and remote world, many companies are opting to let their employees work from home. Except, of course, your employer, who will watch you yawning at your desk, but can't bear the thought of not being able to watch you at home.

After a brief (and fictional) survey, I have compiled The Habits of Successful Teleworkers. You know it's serious when there's a Habits book. And when the practice gets its own word (teleworkers).

On the Phone

1. Be absolutely certain that, when in a phone conference, you MUTE your phone before doing your hilarious imitation of the boss' accent.
2. Be absolutely certain that, when in a phone conference, you MUTE your phone before you view some of your best porn.
3. We have not yet determined whether sex during working hours is the same as inaugurating your desk at work, but whatever you do, be absolutely certain that you MUTE your phone. Putting a sticky note over the camera would also give you great advantage, before you wind up on Pornhub, where your coworkers and boss 'accidentally' wind up seeing it.
4. Turn down your Insane Clown Posse and Circle of Shit tunes, as well as anything that vibrates. Even if you can't hear it vibrate, it will come in contact with your phone and everybody else will hear it vibrate.
5. If you're in an important phone conference, it is guaranteed that four trash trucks will come by, the dog will bark at them, and the Amplified Drum Marching Band will begin practice up and down your street.
6. If you are stuck in a web conference which has absolutely nothing to do with you but you got suckered into attending, you might want to devote the smallest portion of your hearing to listening for your name. Just because the meeting has absolutely nothing to do with you doesn't mean some other poor soul, probably a good friend of yours, will ask you a question. You must reply almost instantly with an approved excuse...

Approved Excuses for Not Speaking Up

1. Sorry, technical malfunction.
2. Windows rebooted itself (perfectly believable)
3. My hovercraft is full of eels - (people who aren't Python fans won't risk admitting they have NO CLUE what you're talking about).
4. My stupid phone wouldn't unmute (see 1,2,3 above)
5. do NOT mention that you were in the bathroom. The reverb in there will give you away immediately, if the flushing doesn't.
6. your significant other might have a talent with a certain body part or even their thighs. You will NOT want to use this as an excuse, even if your air might have been cut off at that precise moment.
7. I wanted to leave the question for someone less experienced, as a learning exercise.
8. If the meeting is exclusively male, make reference to your junk getting caught in your zipper (or the car door). Groin injuries of any type are an instant pass.
9. If the meeting has mostly managers and marketing, explain that the Wintel resistor that bridges your voice and data networks failed at a very unfortunate moment and you already ordered the replacement on your dime, which will be here tomorrow before working hours.

Other Stuff

1. Always make sure your status is set to Busy.  This way, the poor suckers your friends at work will know you're very engaged in an Important Business Process. It is not necessary for them to know you're taking a Power Nap. Experts say a power nap can run 10-20 minutes. Never mind that yours has been going on since you first logged in.
2. Lunch generally falls between 12 and 2, meaning between 9 and 5. You should avoid 8 hour lunches. Business consultants also recommend avoiding liquid lunches, unless required for an important group call with your boss and his boss.
3. If you are required to attend a meeting with video, you must dress appropriately. And by appropriately, I mean a dress shirt, perhaps a tie, and your best "Home of the Whopper" or Spider Man underwear. Just don't stand up before the meeting is over. Especially if you're not gifted Down There.
4. If you're starting to get tired of working for this company, you might find that pulling down your Spider Mans and waving things about sends the right message. Industry practice is to give at least two weeks' notice, unless Waving of Junk is involved. My weekly meetings with HR are the stuff of legends.
5. You have to keep work separate from life. Carefully choose a spot for your work only; this way your family will know that when you're at 'work', it's time to perform drum solos, practice their carpentry by using a sledgehammer, study science by seeing how to make explosives, and torture the neighbors (and your windows) by watching Judge Judy at top volume.
6. Your work space can be any suitable spot in the house that's comfortable for you. The roof, the spare bedroom (next to the drums), the hidden toilet that nobody knows about in the basement (clear out the bodies first). You can erect a shed out back or in the basement. Rent space at Storage R Us, and pray Storage Wars isn't filming there. If you have kids, a crawl space will be sufficient. For them, not you.
7. If your wife doesn't work, you will need a bunch of phrases to gently remind her that you're working, if she wants to interrupt you. The phrases all mean Shut The F- Up, but you need to make them gentle and varied. Yes, Dear. I would love to, but I'm working. Wanna play Hide The Salami later? Can't you give me a little space, you invasive she-devil; you have ruined my life. You can pull from this pool or make your own.
8. You must keep the work atmosphere clean and free of interruptions. If your girlfriend comes over, do NOT introduce her to your wife.