Honey, Get the Fire Extinguisher - there are Salesmen at the Door

Things got even weirder last night, when we had about seven people knock at the door, all using the same knock. This makes things interesting if I have to work, watch tv, eat, or breathe. Our lovely new child is highly agitated by the door, starting the barking immediately and not stopping til about 10 minutes later. Like most of us, I refuse to answer the door, because it's never anything important - usually people telling me they happen to be doing work in the neighborhood and would I like an estimate... No thank you, SLAM. Vote for me (don't piss the dog off - she's a libertarian). I'm selling dirty socks for college..... SLAM.  Like the phone ringing, the door is just another irritant.



While taking the fur child for her morning trip outside, I started wondering..... [shaky video wooooo]. How do dogs decide where to do their stuff? The smell of each blade of grass hasn't changed overnight. Is one spot naturally better than another? Will the yard need to be defended from birds and squirrels? What if people had this routine?

"I gotta go before we eat - be right back."
Up steps... into bedroom... kick over some laundry and go through it, throw dirty clothes here and there... into bathroom. Kick over trash, spread it evenly across the floor... shit - this place stinks of ammonia or something... into guest room, jump on bed.... turn over trash... nah, not right.  Back downstairs, check out the window for people walking on my sidewalk.... yell at them a few times... into kitchen.... empty trash and spend some quality time digging through it and moving it around... yell at kids... yell at wife.. yell at company and sniff their laps. Finally, as if a light came on, run to bathroom... give final approval... do my stuff.  Sigh... all is well.

HONEY - someone needs to come in here and pick up after me!

• Define 'kinky'   - dog chewies in bed
• Define 'kinkier'   - dog eating chewies in bed while you're gettin busy

Dear lefty:

• Sam Smith, of San Salvador, asks why we're so ornery.
• Fuck you, Sam.

The American Psychological Association, long known for their great expertise on matters of gun ownership, says that traditional masculinity is harmful. If SJWs can reach the APA, we're doomed. The APA has some small influence... do you want to be treated by people who think your gender is harmful? As if they don't have a bad reputation already....

• Remember: if you shoot em, they'll never do it again.

Oh Charles...

Yes, my darling?

Oh Charles... feel my left breast.

Just the left one, my darling?

Yes, Charles. I'm saving the right one for marriage.

• My email program did a cleanup today. It saved exactly the amount of space my first hard drive had: 40 megs. It's interesting to think about this stuff... our phones have more RAM and horsepower than we could imagine 'back then'.

My house is so cold....

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold, we have to put things in the fridge to keep them from freezing.

• Some kid in a Philly high school dyed his hair green, in support of Dem Iggles. The moment he gets a car, there will be a green Idiot Flag hanging on a window.

I think that Amazon Ring thing is pretty damn cool. Who couldn't love a video feed of whoever approaches your house? Unfortunately, Amazon security is an oxymoron. They're incredibly easy to access and Ring has a history of lax security. And of course, this involves The Cloud. And of course when The Cloud is involved, something will be misconfigured and accessed. And of course it was left open and everyone's videos were accessed. Internet of things: a very slow moving train wreck, where the train is carrying serious explosives.

• Honey - my adult diapers are here!

Yes, it's snowing.
And yes, I know I shouldn't complain about snow in the winter, but that won't stop me. The dog, who saw her first snow last year, is not impressed. She came from somewhere warm, where I'd like to move. I want snow to be something we watch on tv news, when it's happening in another state.

I asked a tv weatherman what the stats said on rain and general gloom. He told me the stats weren't different. The other day I heard that last year set the record for most rain in a year. They didn't mention total days without sun because they didn't want people to start committing suicide in large numbers. Rest assured, it would be filmed for reality tv, plus every idiot with a phone would be out, because you didn't die if it wasn't livestreamed on Faceyspaces.

Existential Dilemma: I've never been on Faceyspaces, therefore I don't exist. I'll bet you feel funny about reading this now, don't you?



Dear lefty:

• Dan Diamond, of Dover, Delaware, says you wouldn't know grammar if it jumped up and bit you.
• Readers often ask me why I hate people...

GUITAR PLAYERS
Don't tell anybody, but I'm going to let you in on a can't miss financial opportunity. Since all guitar players are poor (except Slash), we need all we can get.

With the news that Sears is closing, now's the time to pick up some bargains. Lowell George, RIP, of Little Feat, used a Craftsmen 11/16" socket for a slide. Get down to Sears and buy all the 11/16" sockets you can find. Craftsmen tools are moving to Lowes, so they'll still be around. Wait about a year, then sell the Special Lowell George 11/16" sockets. Mention that they're pre-Lowes, because the Lowes sockets don't sound as good.

Trust me, non-guitar players... this is hysterical.