How Do You Stop... the Grass from Growing?

Video Me Video You Blues

Research (that I didn't make up) shows additional productivity when a second monitor is added. So I use at least two. For a little while, the monitor cable has been going. You have to wiggle it to get all the colors.  Not being able to suffer it any longer, I got another one from The Pile. Don't ask about The Pile or my wife will tell you.

There are few things I truly despise in life. One is the 'ribbon' in more recent versions of Microsoft Office. It's foul, evil, and serves no useful purpose. It just sits there, taking up valuable screen real estate. After I hide it, I get a little less agitated. The other things I hate is DB9 connectors, otherwise known as VGA or   monitor cables. The end of these things was designed by a very clever sadist. The two screwy things that secure the cable to the computer are guaranteed to catch on anything in the vicinity, like power cables, audio cables, network cables, dog leashes, and internal or external organs. Today I was unpleasantly surprised by the connector getting stuck on my hair. WHY?

After having extricated 26 things from the cable end, I got the little bastard situated, but the last laugh was on the cable: the screen was missing red.

The other thing I would like to eradicate from the universe, and I probably haven't mentioned it before, is Microsoft Windows. I haven't said anything bad about Windows in a few hours... I must be slipping. My Windows virtual machine is set to NOT install any updates. As I was closing it yesterday, it had four updates to install. Even in public schools, but maybe not colleges, four is greater than zero. So Windows overrode the user's settings and installed updates anyway. Why do I hate Windows? This is just one of the many reasons.  There are many instances when you don't want to install updates. Microsoft has deliberately overriden the users preferences. I will not use an operating system that makes its own decisions and knows better than me. Windows: it's not an operating system - it's a virus.




It's not like I don't listen to new 'music' because I don't like it. I don't listen to new music because it sucks. Sometimes it shows up on tv in commercials, a particularly egregious example being "yeah, we're all about a good time, yeah, we're all about a good day" over clapping, in an annoying monotone, by what sounds like a black female. It offended my ears. Along with the aforementioned "You got me like ah, and ooh, with all the things you do."

• Faceyspaces will allow users to delete their history on the service. This is good and a nod toward privacy after they got caught doing what they do normally. Of course there's a hitch: everything you're deleting has been used to profile and sell your data already.

Firefox wants you to know that they're not ads - they're sponsored content. With Firefox 60, you'll see ads. Mozilla says there's no personal information sent, just HTTPS pings when you do something on the about:home and about:newtab pages. Every 30 days, the data will be aggregated and permanently deleted. Mozilla claims they don't share data with any third party. You will be able to opt out.

If the opt out uses cookies, you're screwed because you delete your cookies at the end of the session or on a timed basis or when you close the browser, right? As we tin foil people say, trust nothing and no one.  I'll try opting out. If that fails, there will be another way to stop this behavior, perhaps via about:config. The whole nonsense is run by Pocket, which Mozilla bought. Perhaps disabling Pocket will fix things. You'll hear about it right after I do. The other option is to use a different browser, but I really like Firefox, plus the Chrome-based browsers phone home to Google.

• Volkswagen and Audi car infotainment systems have been hacked remotely by Dutch security researchers, in two 2015 models, the Volkswagen Golf GTE and an Audi A3 Sportback e-tron, both made by Volkswagen Audi Group (VAG).  The hack does not impact any critical systems, although what you say could be remotely monitored. The critical systems are a firewall away from the infotainment system, so it's only a matter of time.
• In good news, the researchers were invited to VW HQ to go over the hack, which will result in stronger systems. The bad news is that every car will have to go back to the dealer for updated firmware.

The wife took the dog to visit some people in faraway lands. I really miss at least one of them. As I still haven't received the all clear for a Vice Wife (who steps in when Wife cannot perform the duties of her office), I have gone to a different system. Now I ask for a babysitter to watch me, in case I get up to things while bored. I get into a lot of trouble normally - it's worse when left alone. Since I wanted to build trust in the process, I suggested our favorite pizza place's headmistress, a particularly fetching lady. Wife knows her and approves, except for the babysitting part.  I need to work harder on a solution.

• "I found bladder leak underwear that's actually pretty" said the commercial.
• What the commercial didn't say was that if I put them on without a bladder leak problem, will I still feel pretty? Sometimes a man likes to feel pretty.

Well, it's almost that time of year again: grass season.

You know what that means... I have to find places to hide every time Wife says anything to do with 'mow'. I decided to work smarter this year, as I haven't perfected that invisibility thing yet. And even if I did, I'd still knock things over and make rude noises, giving myself away.

Last year was the happiest year of my life, grasswise. We hired the kid from across the street. He missed spots and needed a lot of direction, but he got me out of mowing. Wife says she doesn't know if she wants to hire him again this year.

WHAT?

This kid is the greatest thing to happen to me.... err... grass since it was invented. Schools teach that grass was discovered, not invented. This came as a hell of a surprise to Bill Crabgrass, noted inventor of trash bags, falling leaves and yes, grass. 

I asked, meekly, she had in mind. David Crosby just put out two albums, Tom Petty stubbornly remains dead, and Cindy Lauper, shockingly, is on tour with Rod Stewart (show starts at 8, recommend you get there at 9). She hasn't gotten back to me yet, so that's been keeping me up at night.

I suggested she give the young man another chance... after all, she'd want one. In the spirit of fairness and neighborliness, it appears that I'm safe for another season.

Oops. Except for that Satan Weed. It wasn't invented, it was discovered, right after clouds and tornadoes. It's a clump of dark green grass that pops up out of nowhere, growing to a foot and a half overnight, even though Mr. Crabgrass' invention has not yet started to grow. Since we have yet to sign a deal with the neighbor, the job looks likely to fall to me. I'm going to need a lot of excuses as to why I cannot possibly complete this allegedly necessary task (feel free to contribute):

• back hurts
• can't remember how to install the battery (it drops in)
• forgot to charge the battery
• need to change the tires from winter air to spring air
• mower no good on Satan Weed
• someone got their penis stuck in the vacuum. Again. (well, the thing attacks)

I wonder if, for a signing bonus, I can get him to take out the trash.

• It's handy to know a few words in every language, preferably dirty phrases and curses. Yesterday I expanded my vocabulary:
• Vez al pista - have you seen the runway? - in Brazil/Portuguese. If this won't get me chicks, I don't know what will.
• So I get with my Subject Matter Expert (SME) in Portuguese, who can't even translate it. She suggests this is not the way to go about meeting women. Fair enough, how about a few curses or body parts? My SME is not impressed and refuses to give me any interesting words or phrases, except the more hopeful "Kiss me, I'm stupid."
• I may have to get a new SME.

Cambridge Analytica, the company that got caught up in the Faceyspaces fracas for siphoning off personal information, is going out of business.  In completely unrelated news, the founders have registered a new data analytics company called Emerdata.

ThermionicEmissions' cynical bent tells us that Emerdata will operate extremely similarly to Cambridge Analytica.

• OOPS - Australia's Commonwealth Bank lost records for 12 million people (almost half the population) when two magnetic tapes were misplaced by a subcontractor. Per Australia's Privacy Commissioner, "a decision was made not to alert customers." Now there's some serious privacy for you.
• One of the possible scenarios was that the tapes fell off the back of a truck when they were being transported to be destroyed. 
• Cut it out. In what universe does a truck carrying tapes keep the back door open so things can fall out? You will notice that no armored trucks carrying cash keep their back doors open so money can fall out.

Because we haven't done enough damage to the language, we have a new word: micro-volunteering. Since we're not sure what it's about, let's do what we always do... take the ball and run with it. No matter if we're running the wrong way - I did it all the way through my childhood.

I'll micro-volunteering to help the neighbor take out the trash. She'll take it out, but I'll think about it for her, donating my time.

Perhaps I can micro-volunteer to help at-risk youth. I'll give them the url of this blog and they'll never be the same. Perhaps help is too strong a word....

In a little while, I'm micro-volunteering to walk the dog.
"Honey - the dog needs to go out."

• This seems to be a weird week. Moreso. Dad calls Wife: We were so worried. You called the other day at 6am. We called you right back and no one answered. We tried for days.
• News to us.
• Wife checks the phone log. Yes, there were two outgoing calls at 6am to parents. The only problem is that no one made them. Yes, there's one call from Dad, but no others from 'all week'. 
• The phone made two calls by itself.
• This is Regular Weird. Delightfully Weird was last time, when my phone called Dad, Dad's phone called Brother, and Brother's phone called me. There were NO calls in any of the phone logs.
• Just in case you think I'm done... my parents rush to answer the phone in the bedroom. It rings a lot. The only problem is they don't have a phone in the bedroom.

The Hacking Demons are at it again.
There's a Windows 10 issue, as if there wouldn't be. Bear with me, as I don't use Windows 10. The problem seems to start if the user uses a browser based upon Chrome. It displays a time-out issue and the entire screen turns black. The long and short of it is that you're screwed at this point because no one has figured a workaround. The article I read did not specify anything but my guess is that you shouldn't be using Chrome or any other browser based upon it. On the linux side, Opera, Chromium, Iron, and Vivaldi are based upon Chrome, and I believe all are available on Windows. If you're not already using it, try Firefox. Technically this isn't a hacker issue, but let's put it there.

If you're an Under Armour user, meaning if you use MyFitnessPal, you're one of 150 million affected in the data breach. 


Got an iPhone? The latest update has a bit of a bug. Since iDevices don't have bugs, this is an Undocumented Feature. Apple has decided that it is more important to listen to a caller than speak. The feature mutes the microphone during phone calls.  You can decided if this feature works for you, but remember, Apple leads, and the rest of the world follows (per an actual Apple employee who came to work to preach to us).

My computer hurts.

Actually my morale hurts.

If it were my computer, the problem would already be solved. This is the work computer, which is locked down so well I can't even put naked ladies on the background. I hate to say it, but this is a really great thing. It keeps people from destroying their PCs and doing all kinds of damage to the network. And from naked ladies, but one must take the negative with the positive.

I did everything that had to do with computers and networks at one point. I remember what it was like to be a desktop computer fixer or a helpdesk. We did our jobs well and efficiently, so we could get to the next issue. However, this was not the perception of the users. Because we were not standing at their desks the moment there was an issue, before they even had to notify us, we were fat, lazy, incompetent, and spent all day playing solitaire or looking at naked ladies (recurring theme, I know).

One day at the cube farm, I was under someone's desk, fixing something (no, the view was nowhere near as spectacular as one would think). Someone suggested to someone else that they call IT for their problem. She immediately blurts out how Stupid IT never does anything right and never bothers to show up. It suddenly gets very quiet in this area. I leap out from under the desk, pop up at the complainer's desk, and ask what Stupid IT can do for her today. There was laughter and a really red face.

The moment I got out of helpdesk, I made it a rule to never be like that: a surly, entitled user, who expects repair yesterday, plus your lunch. This has not served me well at my latest employer. Let's call the atmosphere City Worker, where you're lucky to have a phone to call Helpdesk, and if they answer, it's a minor miracle. If they make out a ticket, the sun will shine for a week straight. If they actually route the ticket and address the problem, the lottery ticket you just found will be worth $4.5 million.

Two weeks ago I lost three days waiting for Helpdesk to fix an issue. Three days of work. I tracked my Helpdesk ticket, which spent some time in Purgatory, then migrated to the San Francisco office. No one knows why, so I called the San Francisco office to speak to the new owner of my ticket. He wasn't in, but I got his handy voicemail, on which I left a polite request to call me. I figured I'd hear from him, as I said the ticket didn't even belong to him. Nope.

Finally I gave up and called a Helpdesk person directly, who fixed the issue in fifteen minutes. My ticket was still in San Francisco and had not been touched. If I waited for someone to grab the ticket, I'd be at three weeks as of now. Who knows - three weeks might improve their overall stats. Perhaps they grade personnel not on closed tickets, but on how long they keep the client waiting.

Not to be outdone, I logged on this morning to find I couldn't get my email. On planets where gravity is universal and works the same everywhere, if you can log onto the network, you can read your email. As we apparently have some sort of gravitic anomaly, I can't. Meanwhile my coworkers are having trouble getting into random apps. I called Helpdesk. Apparently wait times are so bad that it offered to call me back when it was my turn. Yay! So I kept my phone close. After a few hours, I even took it to the bathroom and kitchen with me. If I were a betting man, I'd bet that I could read a book called How to Pick Up Chicks, get some experience doing it, pick up a coworker, go to the parking lot and have sex in her car, then go back to my desk, the phone never having rung. City Workers are jealous. The federal government wants to know how we do it. We're a model of modern corporate inefficiency.

DAY TWO

It is Day Two, as indicated on the previous line.
The system that was supposed to call me back didn't.
[sigh]
So I called back and got a tech immediately.
[it's mind blowing and byzantine]

For the next 90 minutes, we did everything possible to fix the issue. The first thing we noticed was that a reboot fixed one of the problems. This is positively insane, as I booted up a few minutes prior to the call. WINDOWS.

No fix applied got me email. We gave up and I got an override, allowing me access to email. Some 'experts' will review the problem and fix it. Strangely and coincidentally, I noticed an update running by itself. The same kind of update that caused the problem weeks ago.  No one will review this or implement any larger fix.


DAY THREE
You didn't think I was getting off that easy, did you?
Could not get into the system at all. Again.
Called two support people, one of whom put in another override, which worked. I was then free to get screwed by a new piece of software the boss bought.

Helmsman, I'll expect that mood lifted by 1300 hours, understood?
Can not, Sir. Morale's taken two torpedoes in the aft flingenbottom, Sir.

Usually horrible morale is caused by a grossly incompetent boss. In this case, it's simply getting to where you need to go to do your work. And if I spend the rest of the week without email or not doing my job, no one will care. The Department of Motor Vehicles has sent over their two top operations guys to figure out how we get nothing done with such grace and style.

an honest politician?