Do it Now, While the Sun Shines on the Snow

A man was convicted of breaking into a home and sucking on a sleeping woman's toes.
Ladies, tell us which you'd rather have: a guy giving your doorbell a serious tonguing, or a guy breaking in and giving you a toe job?

When sentenced, the man said, "This wouldn't be a problem if they'd stop calling the police on me."

• Recent So What news: the owner of the Patriots, some rich dude, was charged with soliciting a prostitute in Florida.
• Nice one, Stupid. With that much taxpayer money, you should be smart enough to call the right service or ask your other rich friends.
• Stop it with the prosecution/persecution. Does the government have the right to tell you what you can and can't do with your body?  Hint: the answer is No.

There are some pretty good deals to be had on solar systems for your house. I don't know all the details, but you get a nice tax break. It's apparently so nice that companies are putting them up free.

Except in Pennsylvania. All state and federal tax breaks for Pennsylvania have been stopped because there's not enough sun to make anything work. If you buy solar lighting, you'd be better off rolling a joint with a 50 dollar bill.

But it's not always so bad. Today's there's plenty of sun.

And enough wind to blow a tow truck off the road.

Dear lefty:

• How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?
• None. We get all the light we need from our screens.

R. Kelly (real name Rachel Kaplan), has reached a plea deal with the L.A. prosecutor. Before he rapes women, he will get proof they're 18 or over. If they're not, he'll go ahead.

• A Florida man (of course) shot himself in the arm and didn't realize it for three days, when he went to change his shirt.
• Where do I start?

Don't you love it when the poor people stuck in the jungle, waiting for rescue, see the helicopter, wave and scream? Because of course the helo will hear them, 1,000 feet up, over the engine noise.

• Why are there no cat assistants for the blind?
• People would be 'walking off buildings' in droves, like Faceyspaces users to the login prompt.

• Think I'm kidding about your phone (and other data) being tracked to a ridiculous degree? Take it from the LA Times.

Dear lefty:

• I'm a boy. Why do people always call me a girl?
• Because your parents decided to raise you 'genderless'. Kill them.

Heard on the radio:
The mayor and city council have put through legislation against businesses becoming 'no cash' (credit or electronic only). This is Sanctuary City Mayor and City 'just drop the cash here' Council.  Personally, I'm in favor of cash, but am not in favor of more stupid, burdensome regulation on businesses. Let the businesses do what they want and let the market decide what survives. Trust me - if a business stops accepting cash and sales go through the floor, they're going to accept cash again.

Since this is yet another case of Breakthrough Legislation, they needed a new buzzword. This time it's 'unbanked': the people who don't have or use bank accounts. So the lack of cash acceptance is unfair to the unbanked. Are you laughing yet?

The unbanked were classified as the poor, so the legislators could say they were doing something for the poor. Not to be outdone, a homeless advocate was interviewed, saying that although this might be somewhat helpful, it did nothing to correct income equality. This is the reason I don't listen to the radio.

I think we need some quick legislating to rectify these and other issues:

1. a law mandating people operating cash registers earn the same as CEOs. It's only fair.
2. a law allowing me to buy a limousine for the same price as a Hyundai, because it's not fair that I can't afford a limousine.
3. raising this or that tax because we haven't had a tax increase since Big Brother got one on 'sugary beverages', not to mention a 'temporary' sales tax increase and a per-drink tax.
4. guaranteed houses in rich areas, for diversity's sake. What white, liberal, rich person wouldn't welcome white (or black) trash into their neighborhood for the sake of diversity? They sure want them everywhere else.
5. And of course, preferential hiring and treatment for the left handed. If one is a left handed white trash, sugary beverage-drinking, Hyundai-driving, cash register operating person, they won't have to work for the rest of their life!

I suspect the mayor proposed this so the 'unbanked' illegal aliens can use cash.

• A failed 1970s Venus probe could crash to Earth this year.
• In other news, the Mars Rovers will be torn to pieces on the New Jersey Turnpike.
• Three Philly Duck Boats were rescued off the coast of Mexico. Only the boats, not the passengers, because none of them were illegal aliens.
• California's 405 Freeway woke up and found itself on Uranus. It felt right at home.