A fictional couple is purchasing a sleep number bed and a no number fridge from their fictional parents.
Fictional Mom: I need a new bed, so we want to give you the new Sleep Number bed.
Fictional Wife: That's incredibly generous of you but we must pay you for it.
Fictional Husband: G-bus, we've had cars that cost less than that bed.
Mom: And the fridge.
Wife: The fridge?
Mom: Yes.
Wife: I'll call some movers.
Husband: Call one of those 2 guys and a truck people. We don't need commercial movers for a bed and fridge.
Wife: I called them, only it's two guys - we have to rent the truck.
Husband: This isn't going to go well, is it?
Wife: Not on your life, bud.
Wife: It's all set! We have a truck, two guys at an outrageously high hourly rate, and all will go well.
Husband: You're just tempting the universe.
Wife: All we need to do it make sure there's a path for them to move everything.
Husband. A path, you say?
Wife: Yes, so they can walk the bed and fridge through.
Husband: What - the 2' path that's already there isn't enough?
Wife: It's Monday - we have the whole week to work on it.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
Wife: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE ALL THIS SHIT TO DO. Bag up the 100 dog toys he put all over the steps. Clean the entire kitchen. Hide the spare televisions and the rhinocerous cages in the bathroom. Throw the explosives in the bedroom. Put the bird out back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE A BIRD?
Husband: You do realize I'm working from home today.
Wife: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY.
Husband: How do you leave early when you're already home?
Wife: STFU and get vacuuming.
Husband: Shouldn't I wait til they have everything in place and they're done dragging in more dirt?
Wife: No. We're recovering slobs and I don't want anyone to know. Now clean the fridge.
Husband: The fridge? The one we're throwing out?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Why am I cleaning literal trash?
Wife: I don't want anybody to know what our fridge looks like.
Husband: Keep the (*#@ing doors closed.
Wife: You need to take the doors off.
Husband: No I don't.
Wife: Yes you do - it's the law, so kids don't get stuck in there.
Husband: If they get stuck in there, they'll learn a valuable lesson and never do it again.
One day earlier:
Wife: I texted Dad 4 hours ago that everything was set and nothing has changed. He just left a voicemail, panicking because he doesn't know the game plan.
Husband: I just got 2 calls from Fictional Parents within 5 minutes, out of their minds because they don't know what's up and because you didn't answer your phone. When did I become your answering service?
Wife: They're crazy. They will wait til I have time to call them.
Husband: Can't we just cancel the bed? They're giving stuff to their neighbors - let them give the bed to them too. It's a small apartment, so they'll have to hang it from the ceiling, then the parents will complain that the ceiling makes too much noise.
Back to Friday: T minus four hours til delivery.
Dad: I'll help by driving the truck. But Wife, you have to come over and spend time with Mom the moment you're done. She misses you and you haven't come over all week.
Husband: WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? IT'S THEIR BLEEDING FRIDGE and they have no concept of us having to set it up, as well as firing up the front-end loader to make room in the bedroom (behind the explosives).
Wife: Ok, I'm leaving now. All you need to do is take out the trash, clean the fridge, sweep everything you can find into a random trash bag, make a nice picnic for when we're done, and put together these 12 space-saver shoe racks, because 12 is all they had - the rest are back ordered.
Husband: These are for the basement, right? I can't get to the basement because of all the shoe rack boxes blocking the stairs. Why is there a half full can of soda that's unopened in the fridge? Hey, have you seen the dog?
Husband continues chores.
Notices that if he touches one thing, 13 other things mysteriously appear in the way, then fall over.
Brings out vacuum. The cord won't reach. Vacuum turns itself on and off.
Vacuum has to be stopped constantly because there's change on the floor. Nobody knows why, but change is always on the floor at vacuuming time. Unfortunately, high denomination dollar bills never litter the floor- just change. Vacuums don't like change. Neither do most people.
The chair that needs to be moved weighs 100lbs without the 100lb go-kart that's on it. The poor dog is cowering on the couch, unable to see the floor. Husband goes to the (now clean) fridge to get something to drink. There's nothing there except plenty of warm spring water. Under the chair is that cat he thought ran away last summer. Perfectly preserved too. Perhaps he could earn a few bucks through taxidermy.
Wife calls to ask how wide the doorway is. Husband measures 71. Wife says the answer she's looking for is in inches - try turning the tape around. Husband regresses to age 5, when Mom asked how many gallons of gas the car took.
Tip: do NOT smoke near gas pumps.
Husband sees a trash bag to take out in the kitchen, only he can't pick it up because there's a chainsaw on top of it. The fridge had to be moved away from the wall. Why? Because the underneath might be dirty and has to be swept before the movers get there with the new fridge. Husband's head hurts really badly. The voices are saying very nasty things that would lead to a lengthy jail sentence. At 3:30, husband figures he might want to have breakfast but can't, because most of the food has been hidden in the garage. He didn't know he had a garage, but you learn something new every day. Also, Dunkin Donuts frozen hot chocolate makes an excellent breakfast, any time of day.
Husband collapses and finally goes back to work. He wonders if he talks wife into sex, would that be considered having sex at work. He ponders other large questions while the the neighbor manages to run three mowers at the same time. He tells wife that it's been nice and sunny for two days, so they better get ready for the May snowstorm the following day.
Fictional Mover: Where do you want the bed?
Husband: upstairs.
Mover: Do you want the fridge up there too?
Husband: This is a pretty weird house, but I'd prefer it in the kitchen.
Husband: Wouldn't it be easier to take the old one out first?
Mover: What old one?
Husband: The old fridge.
Mover: We weren't told anything about that. You should really clean that thing - you don't want the neighbors seeing it this way.
Mover: Ok, we need a wider doorway for the new fridge.
Husband: Oh.
Dad: Nah, they just have to move it in sideways. GUYS - just move it that way. The magnets come off the front- take the little fridge magnets off and you'll get it through. Turn it this way. No, it won't work. Nah, it won't get through. You should move it back and try it again. Nah, it won't work.
Mover1 to Mover2: Turn it a little. That's it, we're good.
Dad: See, I told you so. Sometimes I have good ideas.
Husband: stunned silence.
Mover: [seething] Do youse need anything else? Here are some parts of the door that fell off.
Wife: No thanks, I just have to clean the old fridge you guys put on the curb. I don't want the neighbors to see it like this.
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