Neo Liberal Conservatives

The entire neighborhood received a personal letter from an existing neighbor. The letter would allow us to get in on a great deal; the sale of their house before the realtor got it. Some people want a second home at the shore, but everyone wants a second home on the same block. Avoid the rush - get yours now!

We couldn't figure out what was up with this monumentous event.
A brief conversation with an occupant of the house in question turned up the reason for the deluge of personal letters: the neighborhood demographics were changing. Translated, the hood is getting dark. The afros are invading. The darkies are in the hood. Property values will go to hell! Women will find their husbands insufficient! KFC will sponsor the block! Watermelon is mostly water!

It's great to see that attitudes have evolved.
Oops.

I'm staying put. Maybe they can help me get some rhythm.

The national speeling bee was the other day. The kids did so well that the award went to the entire group of eight. The kids appeared on the news: when asked what they wanted to do, one piped right up and said, "Gastroenterologist." These kids are just past the "I want to be a fireman!" stage. Each won $50,000, which most said will go for college. The mantra was "We worked very hard and these are the benefits."  

There were seven Indian kids and one caucasian female.

Before the Bee was over, SJWs flooded the hall, demanding Children of Color and trans kids win, retroactively.

Dear lefty:

• What do I do, now that my state outlaws abortion?
• Retroactively abort the politicians.

Sylvester Stallone (72) is making Rambo 5. He just got done making Rocky 47 and vowed all of his movies will have a number in them. His stunt double does all the walking and speaking. Nobody does any acting.

• Toronto is in an NBA final. Even I know this is odd. They will only play if the court is laid on top of the hockey ice.

In case you were wondering, and I know you were, English cockers are every bit as wacky and neurotic as American cockers.

• The Air Force says the sky trail shaped like a penis was unintentional. The plane's tendency to skywrite "The Pope Fucks Little Boys" is also unintentional.

A Pennsylvania (not Florida) auto auction sold a car, later found out to contain a man in the trunk. Auction officials said it's just like a spare tire; in case your man deflates or gets a nail in him, you replace him with the spare man.

• Can we do away with Roman numerals - it's MMXIX already

Snapchat employees have abused internal tools to access user date, including phone numbers, snaps, location info and more.